My heart needs a break from breaking

Have you been reading the news lately? I have, unfortunately. It feels as though current events have just been an unrelenting stream of examples of the horrors and cruelty that human beings are capable of inflicting on other human beings. Thanks, murderers and abusers and rapists and torturers, but we don't need more examples. We get it. You can stop now.

And in the last several hours I've done only two things: read about the latest awful case of kidnapping and almost-unspeakable abuse, the one in Cleveland, or stewed over it while unsuccessfully attempting to focus on other things.

But I'm here trying to write something because there's a part of me that's sure someone will ask. Or assume. How many hours or days til the half-witted comments hit, ones about how this is all because of the "culture of death" that abortion perpetuates? OR the ones asking why I "care" about this but "don't care" about the trial of Kermit Gosnell, a man who stands accused of killing babies and calling it abortion?

I ask because because it's so, so, so routine; these words have likely been uttered on several prominent anti-abortion blogs today. But I don't want to go find out.

Sometimes, despite being a super-famous internet celebrity (humble joke), and despite bearing the weighty mantle of spokesperson for ALL abortioneers and being asked for comments on ALL bad things that happen to babies or fetuses or embryos (angry joke), a person's got to have some time to themselves to deal with pain.

We often have stuff to say about things that show up in the news, but I'm not interested in being a ripped-from-the-headlines current events commentator. I just wanted to tell my truth, particularly in times when it wasn't represented elsewhere. But you're probably sickened and saddened too, and that's the truth for all of us.

Army of One

In the wake of all this anti-woman sentiment that’s been blowing around the last few years, the public has started to take notice of the plight of enlisted women in the armed forces. Entrenched in a nearly all-male environment, women have been victims of discrimination and violence since they were first allowed to serve during WWII. Women have not been allowed to fight in combat with men; they do not receive coverage for abortion under military health plans, nor can they receive abortion services in military health facilities. Most egregiously, they are frequent targets of sexual  violence by officers and fellow enlistees. I take that back; the worst part of all is that complaints of sexual violence are rarely taken seriously, assuming a complaint is made in the first place. Most cases go unreported, for fear of retaliation or punishment. 

That’s right. In the US Armed Forces, you can be punished for being raped. It sounds like something that might happen somewhere far away, like the woman from Morocco who killed herself after being forced to marry her rapist. But nope. This is happening right here at home. It would surprise me, but little does these days. 

I first learned about this phenomenon a few years ago watching The Coathanger Project, in which a former soldier told her story of being dishonorably discharged for having sex and then attempting an abortion. More recently, I watched The Invisible War, a documentary about women enlistees (and some men) who were raped, even drugged and beaten, and received no help from those in charge. They were slut-shamed, victim-blamed, or plain told to suck it up. When a group of victims brought a lawsuit against the military for mistreatment of them and their cases, it was dismissed on the grounds that sexual assault is an occupational hazard of being enlisted. 

Gag me with a spoon. 

If you haven’t seen the film, DO. I can’t remember the last time  I was so angry, so if you’re interested in draining yourself emotionally it’ll do the trick. One issue that wasn’t addressed in the film was the what happened to those who became pregnant as a result of rape (which can happen!). As we know, you can’t get an abortion with military funds or in military facilities, so I’m sure those people have quite interesting (and horrific) stories to tell. But I suppose that would become a six hour movie. 

You know, I’ve gotten lots of flack in my life for not loving my country as I should. For threatening to move to Canada if Bush was elected. For not buying that the military has anything to do with protecting my freedom. For hating American flag  and “Support our Troops” bumper stickers. For questioning why our defense budget is out of this world but we can't feed the poor. For not identifying as a patriot, because being a patriot these days apparently means toting a gun, driving a big car, and popping off firecrackers in a South Carolina rest stop in a "USMC" t-shirt. But the reason I don't love my country as I should is because, call me crazy, I believe in an America where women are treated as equals. Where they can fight alongside their brothers without fear of incest. Where they can love their country so much that they'll die for it without feeling unsafe around the people who supposedly keep us safe. Support our troops? Not as long as they're raping our other troops.

 Look, I have lots of thoughts on this, but sadly I don't really know what I can do except stand together with victims and support reform in the military. I think some minor changes are happening (better moves than these god-awful posters, and these, and these), but I'm pessimistic that nothing will change on a large scale until misogynistic looneys are six feet under. I guess I just want to raise awareness, and give readers the opportunity to learn and pass on their learnings to others. Talk about it, make sure that people understand why this is such a problem. And pray not only for our troops, but for the sad, angry place this country has become in hopes of REAL security and freedom. 

Dear America: It's Time to GROW UP

*had to do some digging to find out who Cristy Cardinal is. Cardinal works at HAVEN in Michigan, I think. This quote was picked up by The Nation, August 21st. Article here. Cardinal - we love your quote!*


Misogyny in this country is staring straight at us. Looking us in the eyes and slapping us across the face. It doesn't care there's an audience. It doesn't care that generations of women who have fought for reproductive freedom have just watched. It doesn't care that this 13 year old was raped by her step-father and is now pregnant. The misogyny in our country is THAT blatant. THAT rampant. That disgusting.

When you're slapped so hard, with such force, it's shocking. The magnitude of disregard for women is strong enough that I feel stung every time I read. Every time I turn on the TV. There's always a new slant. A new way to get us on our knees.

But misogyny forgets that we are strong. Misogyny thinks of himself with such ferocity, that it doesn't notice the rumbling in the once quiet audience. Women are starting to speak out.

Maybe they began to feel safer to do so after Obama promised women at the national BlogHer conference that he would not "give ground" on abortion. Maybe quiet women are realizing just how loud the hate is.

Whatever has prompted it, women are using their voices.

I read a beautifully written post here from a woman who had been raped at 17. The blogger shared this private information with her community, and was shaking in her boots doing it.

Another blogger bravely wrote her abortion story here.

I'm in awe of women being prompted to talk about their experiences. And I know our abortioneer community is grateful. Not to mention many other American women.

Women have the right to be outraged. At least one in three of us will have an abortion. That's a lot of us. So, lots of women should be outraged, really.

Women blogging on abortion is a good thing. It's a terrible thing that all the insensitive and flat-out-jaw-droppingly-stupid things politicians have been saying has occurred. For some, it's like being raped all over again.

No matter how you put it, all this hate being spewed is a violation. It crosses the line so far that you can't even SEE that line anymore.

That is jarring. And it's making some of us talk. But they're so scared. So worried about being judged. And they're worried because we live in a society that shuts women up.

This society makes us think we can't use our voice, lest we are shunned and bad and wrong and selfish or a whore or had it coming to us. Or worse: that our bodies can shut off what we had coming to us.

Our society needs to change.

Our society needs to grow the fuck up and starting showing its humanity.

We love YOU!

That picture's funny, right? Come on. If you work at a clinic, you totally know WHY that's funny!


Oh, there's soooo much shit going on out there right now, isn't there? Are you getting depressed about it all? I sure as fuck am.

What the HELL is going on in this country, huh?

Well, if you're anything like me, you need a laugh. Especially now. Especially because there are so many damned idiotic politicians making stupid assed comments. (And worse, believing them.)

Because we love you and you're our biggest fan, we want you to take a minute and relax. Yes, that's it. Take a deep breath. Take a moment for yourself.

Relaxed?

Good.

Now. Let's have a little laugh.

This is my favorite. Every time I buy Prego, I think of this:

I used this one back in January, but January was a loonnnnnnng time ago. So here it is again.

Funny, right?


Feel better? At least a little?

OK, GOOD!

Try to have a good day, all ye fellow Abortioneers.

We love you. (It's true!!)

Give yourself a BIG pat on your back. You deserve it. You're AWESOME!

Now.
GO FIGHT THE GOOD FIGHT!

When is enough enough?

I remember back in 2008 when some reporter dared to ask Sarah Palin if she was a feminist. I'm pretty sure she said yes, and came up with some jibber-jabber about how just because she's anti-choice doesn't means she's anti-woman, and how the Republican party can actually become the Party for Women.* I think around the same time, John McCain's heavily made-up daughter made a similar plea for women to look to the Republicans to fulfill all their womanly needs and desires. For a while it had seemed, for better or for worse (and likely for the worse), that Republicans wanted to reach out to women and improve their lives. Yes we (Republi)Can!

Fast forward four years, and I can't believe my freaking ears with all this hateful, anti-woman speak being tossed around. And I find it hard to believe that Todd Akin, Steve King, and others are simply so bad at politics that they can't control their verbal diarrhea. I think these people REALLY BELIEVE the nonsense they're promulgating, and it frightens me. I'm scared to think that if I were raped and went to my local congressman he might tell me one of the following: a) I wasn't "legitimately" or "forcibly" raped; b) I can't have an abortion in the event that I become pregnant; c) but don't worry, because when a woman is raped her body has mechanisms to "shut that whole thing down". Maybe I could at least take my story to King, who has never heard of a person getting pregnant through rape, because he's "open to discussion" about that kind of thing. WHAT'S TO DISCUSS?!?!?!

So, I remain thoroughly unconvinced that the Repubs are a party in any way responsive to the needs of women. When you try to tell someone about one of the most serious issues affecting women since the beginning of time, and they don't believe you, then we're dealing with some serious troublemakers. I can't believe any woman would be a Republican after this. All kinds of women get raped, regardless of political affiliation. I hope the women on the right are doing something about this, because the men sure seem not to give a damn who does what to you. I can't believe they're driving me to this point, but I'm starting to wish these neanderthals would face assault. Maybe not "legitimate rape", but just a good fondle would drive the point home of how horrible it is, even without having to deal with the whole pregnancy thing. 

Oh wait, that doesn't actually happen. NM.  

*Now that I think about it, SP did charge women for their rape kits in Alaska, right? 

Rape.

I just can’t understand that there are people out there who don’t support abortion even when rape is the cause of pregnancy. I don’t want to understand these people and I don’t believe I could even be civil to one of them. I really don’t. (And if you knew me, you’d know I’m civil to most everyone.)

This week, my co-workers and I advocated for a young girl – 13 years old – who was pregnant and had been raped by her father. Last week, I was helping an elderly woman schedule an appointment for her 12 year old granddaughter who had been raped by a cousin. A couple weeks before that, I was trying to help a woman that lived 300 miles away to get to our clinic for an abortion after being raped by a guy 1,000 miles away. All of these girls had to travel to our site. All of them needed help coming up with the money to pay for it. Each of them was in their second trimester. One of them had been denied Plan B at a Catholic hospital after her rape, so she thought she didn’t need it and believed she wouldn’t become pregnant. Under lots of stress, she didn’t think twice about not having her period for awhile. The 12 year old had only just started her menses, so she didn’t even know/understand/think to tell anyone she wasn’t bleeding.

How anyone – ANYONE – could deny these young women an abortion is absolutely beyond me. As clinic employees and abortion advocates, it’s our responsibility to do everything in our power to be there for them, to give them resources, to help make their abortion experience empowering in some way. Our doctor who will help give rape victims a bit of control during their abortion; he will ask the women to hold one of his fingers and if at one point (before aspiration), they want him to stop so they can breathe/take a break, then they just have to pull on that finger. This works. It gives the clients a voice without using their voice. Some control in a position – literally – that could bring back horrific memories.

I don’t agree with – but can be respectful of – individuals who don’t agree with abortion for most circumstances; but I just cannot – and will never – be able to get behind someone who believes that even if raped, that abortion is wrong. Sometimes, I just wish that those individuals could meet one of these girls. Or just talk to them. And though everyone says it: if it was one of their children/grandchildren, I would hope to god they’d be supportive of her having an abortion after a rape, if that is what she chose (because I do know that not everyone who becomes pregnant as a result of rape chooses abortion).

Anyway, I just want to say to those who don’t agree with abortion even under this circumstance, need to totally go fuck off. That is all.

What does Penn State have to do with abortion?

I was outraged after reading about Penn State and how so many people allowed the continued sexual abuse/rape/assault to happen. When I first read the news I had just come off of a 2 week jury duty stint for an attempted rape and sexual abuse case...needless to say rape and sexual abuse and violence have been on my brain. Although, I would argue that our country has a ubiquitous rape culture so I never really get a break from my exposure to these horrific things. I'm not naive, as some of my fellow jurors were, to think that rape doesn't happen "here" or among "these types of people".

So after my first few readings of various media posts about the Penn State "scandal" I shot out an email to my fellow abortioneers. I knew they would get "it" and understand why I was seething. I immediately asked, "what does this have to do with abortion"? So, what DOES it have to do with abortion? PLENTY, as my fellow abortioneers showed me. We live in a place where "life" is valued until birth. Where we spend millions of dollars fighting for the rights of a zygote, but once that child is born we abuse it, ignore it, and forget about it. It is such an obvious connection that it is INFURIATING.

What other connections do you see? How has this news impacted you?

Oh, and reading this made me simultaneously soo soo happy and soo soo sad. I was so proud of this guy that I sent him some love on facebook...just to let him know I was thinking of him...you can too, click here!

10-year-old gives birth in Mexico

In Puebla, Mexico, located an hour and a half east of Mexico City, a ten-year-old girl gave birth via cesarean section on October 22nd. She was 31 weeks along, and suffering from seizures, which is why she ended up in the hospital.

Both the girl and the baby are okay, but the baby is still in the hospital.

The first question, of course, is how did this 10 year old become pregnant? The authorities are looking into the matter to determine if she was raped. In Mexico (with the exception of Mexico City), it is illegal for a woman to have an abortion, unless she can prove she was sexually assaulted. If she can’t prove this, she may be fined or placed in jail. It is worth noting that there have been several cases of women being sentenced to up to 30 years in prison for this. That doesn’t exactly set a strong precedent for coming forward if someone has been raped and wants to get an abortion. Even more troubling, some research I did online suggested that Mexican law does not define incest as rape, but as consensual sex between family members (!!!).

This case is a perfect of example of why such laws are problematic. We don’t have the full story yet, so we don’t know what exactly happened, but at minimum it seems very unusual for a ten-year-old to be pregnant. Besides the obvious that she is a CHILD and therefore does not have the ability to even consent to sexual intercourse. Why should she have to “prove” she was raped if she wants to get an abortion for a high-risk pregnancy? Her uterus is most likely not yet fully developed yet, and cannot carry a pregnancy to term without significant dangers to her health.

And without access to legal abortion, young girls and women are likely to turn to unlicensed, dangerous people who lie about their backgrounds and perform abortions on women unfortunate enough to cross their paths. Though the whole “back-alley” abortion thing seems kind of cliché at this point, it unfortunately is a stereotype for a reason: these things happen.

I am glad the girl and her child turned out okay, but I wish that our world respected women and girls more, such that this poor girl wouldn’t have had to go through all this. I wonder if she can even have children in the future. :(

Man Down- Rihanna

This music video tells the story of a woman's reaction to rape. The video is not directly related to abortion provision; however, as an abortion provider I often come in contact with women who have been raped and may even be ending a pregnancy that is the result of rape.

At the clinic where I work, we do not allow any male partners to the back with patients. Partners and women often get upset about this policy, but I always try to take the time to explain that we do have women in who have been through many different experiences. One of the first posts I ever shared is about my story of sexual assault and supporting women who are pregnant as a result of rape.

Hip-hop and pop music is often violent, and often condones sexual violence and objectification of women's bodies. I thought it was very powerful that Rihanna approached the subject in her music. So many women have been raped or assaulted, and it's something we cannot afford to ignore.

Killing a baby (baby, baby, oooooooh)

BIEBERGATE

I won't backtrack. Google it if you haven't heard.

I started off feeling pretty down on Bieber. I mean, rape pregnancies happen for a reason? Come now. But I get that Bieber is a young guy. I also get that he grew up in a pretty Christian home and, like most folks, shares the sociopolitical views of his family. I get that he probably doesn't feel the need to lie about his beliefs when asked, and I have to respect that he has his own opinions and blah blah. I mean, Bieber's never protested my PP. But come on, Rolling Stone reporter Vanessa Grigoriadis. Bieber? Abortion? That, I don't get.

Yes, Bieber is a big influence on young people. Did anyone see the little boy cry because "my teenager" didn't win the Grammy for best new artist? Bieber fever is real. Inexplicably so. But does that mean anyone cares what Bieber things about politicized medical issues that have nothing to do with him or his day-to-day? I sure don't, and I listen to "Somebody to Love" several times a week! I have to disagree, Grigoriadis, that a pop culture icon should be asked "all questions". Bieber hasn't ever been on his own. He doesn't have a driver's license. He's just beginning to date, as far as I can tell. And I'm only now starting to hear his voice changing. He's got little or no real-life experience. So why is his opinion on "whatever they have in Korea" all of a sudden so relevant, especially to a magazine that's supposed to be about music? WHO CARES?! His job is to entertain, and as long as he keeps pumping out cutesy lyrics and graceless dance moves then I'm satisfied never to hear another word out of his mouth.

Anyway, listen to Barbara Walters echo my sentiments and simultaneously castrate Glenn Beck!

Injuring and insulting women: legislative edition (Or, "Hereafter Known As The No-Good-Reason Act")

You need to know about this. Chris Smith, along with several other congressmen (many of them newly elected), feel that our representatives' first priority in the new Congress ought to be the passage of "insult plus injury"-style anti-abortion legislation. Enter the "No Taxpayer Funding for Abortion Act." I want to discuss two especially stupid provisions, which this column summarizes nicely.

The tax credits that are encouraging small businesses to provide insurance for their workers could not be used to buy policies that cover abortions. People with their own policies who have enough expenses to claim an income tax deduction could not deduct either the premiums for policies that cover abortion or the cost of an abortion. People who use tax-preferred savings accounts to pay medical costs could not use the money to pay for an abortion without paying taxes on it.

I mean, this is purely symbolic for the legislators, and purely punitive for people who need an abortion! Republicans are going after tax deductions? Breezing right past that irony, let's consider: Does the fact that I can deduct my spending on medicine or a doctor's visit from my "taxable income" make me more likely to spend on those things? Not really, it just makes it slightly easier on me to afford the things I need without taking extra money from me at tax-time as though I had spent those dollars on "fun" stuff.

At my current income I don't actually have to pay federal income tax (shocker), but assume the default 20% bracket applied -- if I get to subtract, say, $500 spent on a first-trimester abortion from my total taxable income, I'll save $100 come April 15. Not enough to make me decide to have an abortion, and not enough to make me decide against an abortion if Chris Smith bans that deduction.

Another example, going further afield to tax credits, which really are a significant chunk of money credited to you directly (not just deducted from your taxable income base): if I have dependent minor children I can get $1000 taken off my owed taxes each year. Has that affected my decision to have or not have a child? Would it affect yours? Probably not; people decide to have children because they are ready to and want to, not because someone's giving them a coupon on it.

I know taxes are a drag, so we don't have to keep discussing, but you see the gist: this ban's purpose can't logically be to make people less likely to choose abortions -- it's only to injure them for it by taking out an extra $100 of their taxes (or more, depending on their income bracket), and to insult them by refusing to acknowledge that their abortion counts as a health-related expenditure. (Just like tampons and pads and menstrual cups don't count, either. Just like breast pumps don't count, either. I discern a fucking pattern.)

The Smith bill also would take certain restrictions on federal financing for abortions that now must be renewed every year and make them permanent. It would allow federal financing of abortions in cases of "forcible" rape but not statutory or coerced rape, and in cases where a woman is in danger of death from her pregnancy but not of other serious health damage. It would free states from having to provide abortions in such emergency cases.

FYI, as Sady Doyle notes, "70% of rapes are 'non-forcible.' Rapists consciously seek out people and situations where they’ll have to use a minimum amount of 'force'."

Currently I work in a state that doesn't provide any of its own funds for abortion coverage but supposedly abides by federally-funded Medicaid's mandate to cover abortions in cases where a pregnancy resulted from rape. Even the old-timers at my work say that they have never seen Medicaid cover a procedure, even when the rape was "forcible" (all rape is forcible, obvi, since that's the opposite of consensual, but by this Smith really means there must also be beating), even when prosecution occurred, even when the pregnancy was DNA-matched to the perpetrator. Many clinics don't bother trying to bill Medicaid anymore, so the state is passively stripping women of even the limited rights they supposedly have. Abortion patients whose pregnancies are a result of rape, even patients who do have Medicaid, overwhelmingly are already paying for their own abortion care (and often struggling to do so). And women who can't pay for their own abortion care overwhelmingly are already bearing their rapists' children. Doesn't that warm your Republican heart*? (Oh, a few Democrats too!)

So this provision, too, isn't going to prevent women from choosing abortion. If the federal government reverses decades of painstaking progress in legal thought, jurisprudence, and goddamn human rights, it isn't going to make women who were raped but just not beaten too feel that they deserve to remain pregnant any more than they did before. It's just going to bring written law more in line with the outrageous reality of states already not understanding rape or supporting rape survivors; add to the stigma of patients who choose abortion outside of the few 'acceptable' reasons (e.g. "I can understand it in cases of rape, but this wasn't even 'real rape'"); and in the process possibly fuck up criminal justice even worse than it's already fucked up.

Sorry, y'all: every time I tell myself I'll try not to rant, something comes up that just makes my brain start bleeding out my eyeballs.


*Update: also h/t Sady, these dudes aren't even in touch with their own supporters - in a November poll, "71% of American voters who voted for a Republican candidate opposed the Smith bill."

Update 2: Sorry, I should have included a What You Can Do!  The same post I linked above provides a handy-dandy link to your representatives' contact page and helpful hints (for a sample call, see rabbleprochoice):

Click on this, and it should take you to a page where you can find out exactly who your rep is, and what their contact information is. Look that person up on Wikipedia, to get a sense of who they are, if you don’t already know. Then, CALL THEM. Be polite; be professional; do not threaten or use violent or abusive language under any circumstances. Explain to them that their constituents don’t support this bill, explain how and why it’s a bad bill, and let them know that if they support or fail to oppose this bill, they can expect that to impact them in a very bad way when it comes to the matter of keeping their jobs.

Another FAQ: "Why did she wait so long?"

Yes, it's a frequently-asked question, and I kinda hate it. Like she "waited" around until her schedule cleared up or something. If a woman finally makes it to an appointment at 18 weeks, it's safe to assume she wasn't "waiting," she was being delayed. 

This came up for me yet again last month when Frances Kissling, who formerly led Catholics for Choice, controversially questioned whether we really know anything at all about why some women have later procedures.* To make a long story short, Kissling said we don't know how many abortions are done because of fetal anomaly,** said that "there is no evidence regarding shame over sexual abuse leading to pregnancy denial, indecision etc as a major factor," and asked "Do we really think women who do not have the money for a first trimester abortion find the larger amount needed for a later procedure in any significant numbers?"

Apparently, even people (like Kissling) who have experience providing abortion care and emergency abortion funding for second-trimester patients may feel this way. But that baffles me, honestly. Because I have those experiences too, and I've spent so many days/weeks/months, yes months, working with the same women who are still trying to obtain treatment for the same pregnancy, and heard all of the trials and tribulations along the way. How could someone who's done this still feel they "don't know" why women "wait until" the second trimester, while I feel I know it all too well?

Here is your frequently-given answer:

Women DO suffer, sometimes terribly, from shame and denial -- young women especially. They don't tell their parents, who might beat them, throw them out of the house, or simply 'be disappointed' about either consensual sex or rape (outrageous but not uncommon) or the pregnancy itself; imagine how much more complicated and traumatic when abuse by a trusted relative or family friend is involved. Will they even believe her? How can she bring herself to speak up?

Then there's the surprising number of women who simply don't realize for a few months that they're pregnant: they have urgent things on their mind, like keeping their children clothed and fed, where outgrowing their shoes can be an unaffordable problem, and maybe to scrounge up some shoe-money they'll forgo lunches at work, so feeling tired and slightly sick all the time is nothing new; you get the picture. Or they keep getting their "period" (actually implantation bleeding, 1/3 of women have it through the first trimester) or are in some other way among the "lucky" women who barely have any symptoms.

And yes, HELL yes, women do spend months getting the money together. In my area, most of the quality providers charge around $500 for a first-trimester abortion; some places are able to discount $100-150 with proof of Medicaid. This is low compared to most out-of-pocket medical costs, and has barely kept up with inflation since 1973, but of course if you're on Medicaid you probably don't have $350 in your pocket. Sure it doesn't "make sense" to try to get $2700 instead of $350, as Kissling says, but the logical conclusion of that view is If they can't get the $350 right away, why are they bothering at all? Yet we know women are much more determined to decide their pregnancy outcomes than that. Plus, when I work on funding, a lot of the second-trimester patients I talk to got their price information when they first called a clinic in the first trimester, and had a terrible shock when they called back several weeks later and the price was higher.

Then, if they are lucky enough to find out about emergency funds, which many clinics don't even know about (!), they will still be disappointed to learn that the fund can't always pay everything they are missing. "Can you pawn your TV, get a predatory payday loan or a loan for your car title, can you borrow ten dollars from everyone you know, can you find five houses to clean after work this week?" (It sucks to talk about these options -- even more so if they've already been checked off.) They painstakingly set that money aside. Then, maybe, a drug-addicted relative steals it from them. (Yes, really.) They're back at square one. Or they have to help their family move before the eviction date and the delay takes them from week 12 to week 13, and they've moved to another neighborhood/town and have to find a new clinic with a new price, or a ride to the old clinic. And so on.

The funny thing is that when I mentioned all of this in a comment on Kissling's article, I felt shy and embarrassed, because someone with her experience has surely heard it all before! But why do the detailed memories come back to me so readily whenever this subject comes up, and not to her? These stories and examples are not statistical evidence (which might be what she was calling for without naming it as such), but they are not nearly rare, either. I've heard them for years -- sometimes alldayeveryday -- but never lost my trust in women and girls' good-faith efforts to TCB as efficiently as they were able, or implied that their own words about "why" the delay (not that I was owed an explanation at all) were not reliable enough.

The entire post I just wrote is only a small handful of common examples, in a health care context where abortion is mostly privately provided and privately paid for. There's no one Major Reason (or 3 or 5) explaining the course of all women's pregnancies up til their appointments. To sum it up in different words: the British Pregnancy Advisory Service reviewed a full month's worth of requests for abortion past 22 weeks in the UK. The article where I read about this, A Moral Defence of Late Abortion, is fantastic in itself, but if you want to get to the details of the audit, scroll down. There you go: your frequently-given answer, woman by woman.

Prolixly yours,
Placenta Sandwich

PS: I don't hold it personally against Kissling. I still like other things she's written. Like this article, for example, that I think everyone supporting abortion rights ought to take to heart this new year - Twelve Things You Can Do To Help Increase Abortion Access.***


*The main point of Kissling's article was to address the calls for "honesty" from pro- and anti-choice camps alike; she stated she isn't comfortable with some pro-choice advocates' rhetoric, like typical characterizations of "reasons" for the 10% of abortions that occur beyond the first trimester. By way of example, she quoted Catherine Epstein writing that major reasons for the vaguely-defined "late abortion" include fetal anomaly, shame or denial following sexual abuse, and the struggle to get enough money for the abortion. 
**What we know about abortions sought because of fetal anomaly is that they represent less than 1% of ALL abortions, but probably much more of what are vaguely referred to as "late abortions" (I'll try to find exact percentages, but the reporting is not uniform across states). Between Epstein's and Kissling's articles, the distinction between "second trimester" abortions (after 12 weeks) and "late abortions" (after 20 or 21 or 22 weeks, depending who you ask, when fetal anomalies are more often detected) became blurred in the arguments. 
***Even though, as the National Network of Abortion Funds pointed out, many clinics and doctors DO already forgo payment to provide urgently-needed abortions. I had to go and be argumentative, didn't I? 

"Why don't you..."

Ensure women are confident in the decisions they make about their problem pregnancies
Help women leave their abusive partners so they can have that baby
Combat domestic violence
Provide women with contraceptive services to avoid unplanned pregnancies
Find a job developing more effective forms of contraception
Prevent rape and sexual violence - so that "the innocent ones" don't have to have abortions, natch
Find counseling for assault victims
Throw them baby showers so they'll have "all the supplies they need"
Offer to adopt her children so she'll have time and energy for one more
Buy her kids the damn Christmas presents so she won't have to have the abortion (What?? Please work on distinguishing between a problem and its symptom, OK?)
Help her with the cost of a new baby
Pay their utility bills
Help them find safe cheap childcare...

*

Dear devoted denialist antis, regular know-it-alls, and well-meaning strangers/friends/family/bloggers who just think abortion "shouldn't be used so thoughtlessly": 


Thank you for your suggestions. We regretfully see that you consider yourselves geniuses for having hit on the one magic solution that no one has tried.


In order to keep this letter brief, I leave to your own heroic efforts the task of identifying which of these things we ALREADY DO that you just assumed we don't do, which of them we would NEVER DO because you are not adequately informed to dream up effective strategies ("tell her to Just Leave him!"), and which ones we would LOVE to do but lack the resources and/or magical patriarchy-busting power to do.


In fact the purpose of our reply is simply to ask you a question, since you brought it up.


Why don't you?


No, seriously. Why don't you do those things? Answer me, each of you, about your individual practices. And society-at-large, you answer me too. And when you've all answered why YOU don't do these things, I'll understand you a little better, and then one day maybe we can "discuss reasonable solutions" as you have proposed but are currently unprepared for.


We regret that we will not be working with you at this time but encourage you to submit future proposals that meet the minimum thoughtfulness standards.


Good luck,


Placenta Sandwich
VP of Irritated Blogging
The Abortioneers

WTF

Sharron Angle is running for the Senate in Nevada. Think Progress has unearthed what I would describe as a terribly chilling soundbite from an interview earlier this year:



Here is the key part:

Interviewer: Is there any reason at all for an abortion?
Angle: Uh, not in my book.
Interviewer: So, in other words, rape and incest would not be something?
Angle: You know, I'm a Christian, and I believe that God has a plan and a purpose for each one of our lives and that he can intercede in all kinds of situations and we need to have a little faith in many things.

Let me just get this off my chest:

A:LKREJ:LKRHSE$(*%&(*$%SDfHHDHFDF(*$%Y*(PHSF:IOSDFH:O

Anyway. So you’re telling me, that after a young woman has been violated in the most terrible way possible by, say, her dad, she has no right to an abortion? She just needs to buck up and have a little faith in God?

Dear God,

Last night Dad raped me again. I am getting sad that this won’t ever stop and I have nobody to turn to. I feel like this is all my fault and I want to die. To top it all off, there’s a good chance I’m gonna get pregnant out of this whole thing. I know it’s in your plan, though, for this to happen to me. LOVE YOU!

Xoxo
***CaRoL***

UM. NO. This is a perfect example of why we have a separation of church and state! Give me a break, people! What if you get in a car accident? And you need to have major surgeries to stay alive? I’d love to hear a surgeon say, “Well sir, we would operate… but it just looks like this is in God’s plan for you. Have a nice day.” Better yet, what if you were just walking down the street minding your own business and you got hit by car and needed to have a big operation afterwards? No way would someone say, "We'd love to help you out, but... it's just, this is a part of God's plan, so you just gotta roll with it, you know?" If someone running for public office said he/she supported that idea people would flip out! I despise the double standard for women seeking abortions.

Either way, if you live in Nevada make sure you get out to the polls! Sharron Angle should not be elected!

Legislators think they are our daddies (and good daddies make things harder on their children)

Happy Fathers' Day! I was going to write you a post about dads, but it'll have to be tomorrow, because I got distracted by an entirely different kind of paternalism. Today I'd like to direct your attention to this post at The Curvature: Anti-Choice Ultrasound Laws Don’t Change Abortion Rates, But Continue Getting Tougher. It's about the wave of state-level legislation that's been passed in the last year or so, much of it having to do with forcing a woman to pay for a medically unnecessary ultrasound, look at it, and/or hear a description of it from the sono tech.

Now, many clinics use ultrasound as a way to determine at what point in the pregnancy the abortion is going to be performed -- there are important technical distinctions between, say, six weeks and sixteen weeks, though ultrasound is not the only way to figure this out -- and I'm all for patients having access to their own medical records if they want it. However!

(a) There is really not that much to see on a sonogram that's made for the purpose of determining gestational age. The screen is pretty dark, the image is fuzzy, and 90% of abortions are performed in the first trimester, a time when all the print-out shows is a roundish grey blur. 

(b) Instructing, as some laws now do, that the technician must turn the screen to face the woman but the woman "may avert her eyes" is pretty ludicrous. So is the idea that a woman averting her eyes must still hear the doctor or tech "describe the fetal development at that stage" (no provision for "averting her ears" in such laws!). If it's in some way relevant to care, a doctor should -- and would -- explain this sort of thing. If it's not relevant to care, well then, it sounds to me like legislators are trying to alter medical practice for political purposes, and as we know that's not OK. Actually it sounds to me like our state reps are practicing medicine without a license -- which happens to be illegal, you know? 

(c) Most of the laws make no provision for victims of sexual trauma who may be re-traumatized by this process. In fact, the Oklahoma bill which was vetoed by the governor even specified that if the abortion is taking place very early in pregnancy, the ultrasound must be done with an intra-vaginal wand, rather than over the abdomen, to "give a clearer image." I was struck to the core when I read this. Like the state was mandating a second rape -- yes, that's what it's called when someone puts something in you that you don't consent to -- if you wanted an abortion. 

(d) Most strikingly: I have never seen a patient change her mind about her abortion because of an ultrasound. My clinic does perform a sonogram before every procedure. By law, clients fill a form indicating whether they want to see the image, listen to the "fetal heart tones if present," both, or neither. We get back forms with all sorts of answers, meaning plenty of clients do choose one or both, but I don't know of anyone who has said, "Oh my god, you know what? I had NO IDEA there was an embryo in there! I thought an abortion was something to do with my bladder! Now that I know, there's no way I can go through with this." 

(e) Which brings us back to the conclusion at The Curvature: it's probably not at all about changing patients' minds, but simply yet another approach in the campaign to guilt, shame, isolate and traumatize women who choose abortion. To punish them for having made this choice that we know she will go through with, because women are not stupid and women are not children, they understand their lives better than a stranger ever could and they already know in their guts what they are capable of at this moment. 

Sometimes that's giving birth and giving her parental rights to another family. 

Sometimes it's leaving high school or going on public assistance in order to afford a wanted, or perhaps unwanted, child. 

And sometimes it's selling her furniture to scrape together 400 or more dollars (have you ever had someone count dollars and nickels on your desk for a medical appointment?), facing a crowd of clueless shame-mongers, listening to maudlin scripts written by state legislators while her pants are down and a high-tech stick is moving around in her vagina, watching a video about a screaming fetus, spending six hours in a crowded waiting room, and having a safe five-minute procedure before going back into the world, back through the clueless crowd, back to her loved ones and not asking them for reassurance that she is still a worthy human being, because they might rebuke her, because they might not understand, because they've heard from ten thousand shame-mongers that anyone in their right mind who's seen an ultrasound would change her mind and leave the abortion clinic. Yes, sometimes women are capable of all that. But god forbid we make it any easier on them. 

The Case of the Minor

I would like to piggy back off of Revolutionary Vagina's last post about the young girl who self-induced an abortion using a lead pencil. An article about this was posted on lifenews.com, and contains several false and just plain ridiculous claims.

I am sure this story probably has most people wanting to vomit and cry at the same time as their hearts break for this little girl. I would also guess however that many of those same people would not even bat an eye if her method of killing her child had been a RU 486 prescription from the local Planned Parenthood. -Bryan Kemper, head of Stand True, a pro-life group

First of all, you cannot get the pill from Planned Parenthood to induce abortion after about 9 weeks. From the article, it sounds as if she was much much further along, but who really knows. If she was "delivering a baby," I would guess she had to been late second trimester. If she was that far along, wouldn't her parents have noticed? If she was in her first trimester, she wouldn't have delievered a "baby." She would have bled a lot. Kemper makes it sound like you can just take the pill at 25 weeks and boom you're done. Totally not the case.

Secondly, if this young woman would have been able to go to Planned Parenthood to get her abortion pill prescription, she would have had an interview with a counselor. Obviously, we cannot know if she would have told the truth to the counselor or not, but it would definitely have been in her best interest to talk to an adult about having an abortion before trying to perform one on herself. Thus it probably would have been GOOD for her to go to Planned Parenthood.

It is also a very different thing to perform an abortion on yourself and then have your creepy older boyfriend bury the fetus in a ditch. That is just not normal. That is very sad, scary, and bizarre. Having an abortion in an abortion clinic is normal. It is safe. It is not dangerous. The risk of even minor complications is very, very low when an abortion is performed in a safe, sterile environment with trained medical professionals, like at a Planned Parenthood. So, yes, I would not bat an eye at that. If that makes me a monster, then you have a fucked up definition of what it means to be a monster.

Kemper also said, "I can also hear the spin now, 'this is why we need safe and legal abortion,' -- even though abortions are already legal and are supposed to prevent such self-induced abortions." This goes back to precisely what Revolutionary Vagina was talking about. Pennsylvania has parental consent laws. She obviously did not want to tell her parents. How come none of the anti-choicers want to talk about that? If she was able to go to a clinic she wouldn't have been in this situation. THAT is the problem. Further, she is thirteen years old. She is child. I can say at thirteen I was in no shape to be having sex, and definitely not sex with someone SEVENTEEN years older than me. Can we take a step back and ask, why was this thirteen year old doing this? Her boyfriend/partner/creeper said he had sex with her "hundreds" of times. How did this happen? It troubles me this happened so many times yet nobody seemed to be aware. Of course, teens can be very sneaky and do a good job hiding things from their parents, but she is thirteen! I find it hard to believe a thirteen year old could sucessfully pull that off unless she is some sort of smooth talking magical pixie with a unicorn.

My favorite quote of the article is "'If the girl had gone to Planned Parenthood he would probably still be raping her as I doubt they would have turned him in," Kemper explained."

It is true there are cases where Planned Parenthood staffers did not appropriately follow state rules and turn in a man who was engaging in an inappropriate relationship a minor. I think that is terrible. It is beyond messed up. I would prefer if everyone followed the rules about that. I do think that each staffer was trying to act in the best interest of the minor, even if the staffer might not have been in reality. Either way, it is ridiculous to assume that all Planned Parenthoods everywhere just let minors get raped all the time like it's no big deal, because that is definitely NOT the case. I have worked with plenty of clinics that have bent over backwards to get guys arrested who were doing that kind of stuff. Planned Parenthoods and clinics, for the vast majority of cases, DO follow the rules. And rapists get caught. Which is a good thing because they might otherwise have not.

How come anti-choicers don't want to talk about how clinics often get bad guys in trouble. Or that this girl, who could have died, and just went through something terribly traumatic, didn't have to go through that. She could have just had a regular, safe abortion. It wouldn't have been the horrifying experience of shoving a pencil into your own uterus and then becoming violently ill and having to have your boyfriend who is not a doctor deliver your dead baby for you and then take it and bury it in a ditch. The fact she had to go through that is so fucked up. If she had access to a clinic, she would have been able to have an abortion with a doctor who knows what he/she is doing and with counselors who are trained to talk to her about her decision. A fucking sad state of affairs. Perfect example of what parental consent laws are dangerous.

Also -- if anyone stumbled upon this page by googling the story of the girl who used the pencil, and is thinking of using a pencil or anything to self abort. PLEASE DO NOT DO IT. Self aborting is very dangerous and often leads to at minimum serious complications and even death. If you have questions about where to go please see the National Abortion Federation's list of clinics or contact your local Planned Parenthood for a place in your area.

Restricting Abortion

I am so tired of the many abortion restrictions happening throughout the country right now. New ultrasound laws, parental notification/consent laws - all these do is hurt women who have already experienced a lot of pain. They don't stop someone who really wants an abortion from getting one. They just cause her to go through more trauma.

By now you all may have already heard the story of a 13-year old from Pennsylvania who tried to self abort with a pencil. This girl, impregnated by her 30-year old boyfriend chose to risk her life in order to end her pregnancy. Why did she do this to herself? Pennsylvania has a parental consent law. In order for this girl to have had a safe abortion, she would have had to get the consent of one of her legal guardians. Why wouldn't she talk to her parents? Well, she's 13 and was having a relationship with a 30-year old. Now, of course I don't condone the relationship those two had, and who knows what kind of control this man had this girl under. The fact is, she was afraid of being found out, so she inserted a pencil into her vagina, hoping to give herself an abortion, and ended up miscarrying. Why are these laws continuing to be created? Why do people think these laws are a good idea? This story shows that if someone wants an abortion, they will find a way do it and possibly hurt or kill themselves in the process. It makes me angry.

Some light in this bleak scene can come from unlikely sources. In Florida, Governor Crist appears likely to veto a law that would require all women seeking an abortion in the state of Florida to get an ultrasound. He made the following statement to the Pensacola News Journal.

"I have concerns about it," he said. "The notion that there would be a forced ultrasound, if you will, that would have to be paid for by the woman involved — you know, those are the things that seem to be pretty difficult for a woman already in a difficult situation."

Wow. I am amazed to hear a politician say this, and a Republican at that. Could there be hope?

Burning Negativity

This weekend I sat in a circle with my sisters and my dad and we had a bonfire. A healing ritual if you will. We burned hurt, anger, fear, abuse, and much more. We laughed and cried. Abuse and disrespect were the catalyst for this circle. We all healed, each of us with different scars some that ran deeper than others, and some so fresh they had not even begun to scab.

I have toyed around in my mind with all sorts of thoughts on what to write. I'm not in the direct line of action these days and truly I'm in need of this hiatus. There were and still are so many other things stirring in my soul that I need this time to work through. While working as an abortioneer for the last 4 years, I had an ovary removed due to a 13 cm cyst, I came out as lesbian, I was raped by a woman, I experienced large scale disaster and temporarily lost my home, and my sanity, I was also robbed at gunpoint and jumped exactly one year later.

Not long before I left my job in abortionland a wonderful supervisor noticed the burnt out nature of many of the employees. We all love helping women get the information and care we need, but its also exhausting as we often share. This boss lady brought us information about Secondary Trauma and Compassion Fatigue. Many of us joked about these very seemingly silly concepts. As I have had a moment to breath a bit a fresh air, I began to think more about the things I learned in abortionland, experiences gained as well as the difficulties. Secondary Traumatic Stress Disorder(STSD) is about experiencing symptoms much like Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder as a result of working with someone else who has experienced trauma. Here is a semi-recent study regarding STSD and working with survivors.

I fear rape more than anything. I always assumed my hypervigilence about men, strangers, night time, being alone, and anything else that might be associated with rape was all because of my own experiences. I've been raped and I was assaulted twice. I've been told its PTSD and I don't doubt it thats part of it. However, the longer I am away from abortionland the more I realize that my fears and hypervigilence is a culmination of PTSD from my own experiences and secondary trauma. For years I heard women's rape stories maybe not everyday, but more than a few times a week for sure. The thousands of woman I talked to are tucked away in the crevices of my memory sometimes I remember a story or one sort of haunts my thoughts when I don't even realize it. I wake up any night I sleep alone in a fright and have to sooth myself back to sleep.

On saturday night we burned abuse and our abusers. I am burning this negativity I carry in my soul, I started on Saturday but I'm finishing.

I grew up in abortionland, I developed passion, love, counseling skills, a connection to thousands of women's lives, a little bit of professionalism, and a lot more. I'm thankful but I'm still figuring out to deal with the trauma that is integral to so many women's experience of their bodies including mine.

Worried

I can’t stop thinking about a patient – I’ll call her Ellie – who came to our clinic for an abortion yesterday. She drove eight hours, some of which was through the snow, and was on time for her 9am appointment. She was 16 weeks pregnant and brought her older sister with her as support. They seemed close, and I found myself smiling as I walked down the hallway, catching a glimpse of them holding hands, talking warmly with another (I have a soft-spot for rock-solid, non-judgmental support people). Ellie was in her early twenties and in university. She and her sister seemed very content and were kind – even witty – to all the staff.

During our counseling session, I learned that Ellie’s pregnancy was a result of rape. As she shared with me how she was raped and what happened, she did not cry. She did not appear victimized. She did not wince. Because she knew the guy that raped her, and because she had used illicit drugs at “the” party, she didn’t go to a hospital after being assaulted. Ellie explained that she’s an avid runner, so her periods are not regular; it was quite normal for her to go three to four months without a period, so when she didn’t have her menstrual cycle after the rape, it didn’t even occur to her that she could be pregnant. Last week, when she realized she could no longer fit her bra, she worried she could be pregnant.

After the positive pregnancy test, she reported the rape; but the detective – a woman, no less! – told her she was a liar and just wanted to “get back” at the man who raped her. This detective then told her she was closing the case and added, “You’re making a big mistake, Ellie. I don’t agree with what you’re doing and you should really think about it.” I couldn’t contain my astonishment and let out a little gasp. Still, Ellie didn’t flinch and seemed just as resolute as before. After I told her I was grateful she at least had her sister with her for support, she confessed to me that she wouldn’t know what to do without her; Ellie shared that her very own mother refused to support her abortion decision and told her she’s committing a “mortal sin” and will go to hell, even though she was raped. Her mother has stopped talking to her altogether and spends most of her time at church, lighting candles. Then Ellie cried.

Honestly, I don’t get it. I just seriously don’t get it. I mean, I “understand” some people think abortion is “wrong.” I just cannot – and never will – however, wrap my head around the extremism of those who still oppose abortion in the case of rape! ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I just don’t get it! And what mother could ever turn their back on their own child in such a time of need? Seriously, I think the mother is the one committing a mortal sin. Don’t even get me started on the detective and how wrong that whole situation is!

Anyway. I keep thinking about Ellie. And I hope she’s feeling her sister’s love (times ten million). And I hope she felt our love and compassion. And I hope it will be enough.