My heart needs a break from breaking

Have you been reading the news lately? I have, unfortunately. It feels as though current events have just been an unrelenting stream of examples of the horrors and cruelty that human beings are capable of inflicting on other human beings. Thanks, murderers and abusers and rapists and torturers, but we don't need more examples. We get it. You can stop now.

And in the last several hours I've done only two things: read about the latest awful case of kidnapping and almost-unspeakable abuse, the one in Cleveland, or stewed over it while unsuccessfully attempting to focus on other things.

But I'm here trying to write something because there's a part of me that's sure someone will ask. Or assume. How many hours or days til the half-witted comments hit, ones about how this is all because of the "culture of death" that abortion perpetuates? OR the ones asking why I "care" about this but "don't care" about the trial of Kermit Gosnell, a man who stands accused of killing babies and calling it abortion?

I ask because because it's so, so, so routine; these words have likely been uttered on several prominent anti-abortion blogs today. But I don't want to go find out.

Sometimes, despite being a super-famous internet celebrity (humble joke), and despite bearing the weighty mantle of spokesperson for ALL abortioneers and being asked for comments on ALL bad things that happen to babies or fetuses or embryos (angry joke), a person's got to have some time to themselves to deal with pain.

We often have stuff to say about things that show up in the news, but I'm not interested in being a ripped-from-the-headlines current events commentator. I just wanted to tell my truth, particularly in times when it wasn't represented elsewhere. But you're probably sickened and saddened too, and that's the truth for all of us.

Dear Beatrix (as inspired by Kill Bill)

Back-story: The following letter is written to a real friend of mine who I met in Atlanta three years ago. In 2008, I received a phone call that a woman was en route from five states away and was desperate to find anyone to be her “driver”, aka she needed someone to pick her up from and take her back to the clinic for her 2-day abortion procedure. This was the last week that she could legally obtain an abortion. Little did I know when I agreed to this that she would help me as much as I helped her, and we would form a unique relationship that endures today.

Dear Beatrix*,

I just finished reading Linda Lovelace’s autobiography, “Ordeal”. Linda was the star of the infamous Deep Throat, which was considered scandalous for its time and featured the plotline of a woman who had a clitoris in her throat so giving head provided her with immense pleasure (as if, ugh). I have never actually watched Deep Throat, and after reading Linda’s autobiography I certainly never will. Linda details how she was forced to do the film by her abusive husband and raped repeatedly during the filming and forced to “service” many of the people involved with the production. Linda spent four years with this husband who essentially kidnapped her and forced her to be prostituted for his benefit (financial and psychological). She details in her book many examples of verbal, mental, physical, and financial abuse she suffered while trapped with this man. Abuse is the only way to describe what happened to her while with his man. Nothing else.

When I think about women I know in abusive relationships so many people come to mind. Some have varying degrees that they endure and it is often really hard for me as an outsider to make a judgment or to know exactly how bad things are. With physical abuse there are bruises and cuts and burns and attempts to cover up with makeup and scarves. With verbal and emotional abuse it can be so hidden yet so intensely damaging. I think about you and I think about me, because with both of us, at the point in our lives when we met, we both so desperately needed to leave people who were emotionally and verbally abusive. I still struggle to type the words, and even still doubt them. I have no physical scars or markers, only my memory and my confidence in how I experienced things.

I don’t remember when you started to open up to me about your abusive boyfriend, the person who you had gotten pregnant with. Was it at the clinic the first afternoon we met? Was it that night as we shared dinner over two steaming bowls of Pho? Was it months later over email, where you shared with me your emotions around your abortion? In the many emails we exchanged after we met, the topic of your abusive boyfriend came up. You knew that as long as you were with him you should not and could not bring a child into the situation. You knew that you needed to leave him before you could be the best mother you wanted to be. You knew that you had to prioritize yourself and grow strong enough to leave him before you could add a child to the mix. Having a child would have tied you to him forever. So you had the abortion, and he made you feel bad about it, which was just more evidence of his manipulation and emotional abuse.

I never equated my situation with yours. I was never faced with the added pressure of an unplanned pregnancy that would complicate my messed up and unhealthy relationship. Yet, the words you spoke about how he treated you felt like my own. I did not tell many people about the depths of what I was going through, just like you did not tell anyone about your own abuse and about the abortion. I was in major denial, and was living in a fantasy world where I hoped things would change. However, every time I heard from you and found myself giving you advice, I knew I had to stop being hypocritical and heed my own words.

Three years later and where are the two of us? I moved away from the city where memories of the emotional scars still haunt me. You left him and are making your way on your own. It is hard to tell over email how someone is really doing, but I trust your words. We reunited this summer when I traveled to your city and, while it was only the 2nd time we were together, I saw a light shining in you that was clearly absent that weekend back in Atlanta. I have seen so much strength in you over the years, first with the decision to have the abortion and then to leave him and finally to make solid steps to move on with your life. It took me living in a new place to truly rid myself of the damage I incurred. I think we both have grown immensely in these years and know what we deserve for the future. And if I ever forget you better remind me.

So to you I say thanks, and I’m always here for you.

Love, Vegan Vagina**

*not her real name
**not my real name

Surviving partner violence isn't as simple as they make it sound

We were working with a patient living through extreme domestic violence. There was some concern that she might also be experiencing verbal abuse during the appointment itself. The security guard was asked to stay alert to the situation. Under their breath, the nurses were venting fantasies of retributive violence against the perpetrator. The counseling session was long -- such sessions invariably include attempts to verify that the patient is making as free a choice as she possibly can, discussions about involving the police, explanation of what resources exist that could support a patient (and any children) in getting away from the perpetrator.

All too often, the counseling sessions also include a heartbreaking resignation by both parties that today is not the day that things will change. We've talked (and rambled) about partner violence before, and there are lots of informative reference materials online, so I know you know about the insanely cruel catch-22 of trying to escape violence and stay safe and not go homeless or hungry. A lot of times, no counselor (including one at a DV crisis center or a specialized police unit) is in a position to "convince" someone to leave their abuser. In these times, no matter how much you've tried it will probably feel like you haven't done enough to help.

And sometimes a patient is terribly unhappy with the idea of having an abortion, but never wanted to become pregnant in the first place and had little or no choice in it. I think about this every time I hear people oppose legal abortion on the basis that "most" women are "coerced" into choosing abortion. This twists a lot of situations into one word, when actually "I don't want to but feel I have to" can mean so many different things -- including "I don't want to, but my experience tells me I'll be in greater danger if I don't, and promises of support from the system won't make a difference." Whether the abuser wants her to have an abortion or doesn't want her to have an abortion is ultimately immaterial to whether we, the abortioneers she seeks out, act on the woman's own decision to have or not have an abortion. (Certain people seem to think that if a woman weighs the situation and decides to have an abortion, and this is also what her abuser wants to happen, then we should cut off her reproductive rights to spite his face. No, the punishment for violent partners isn't an unwanted baby! It's jail time.)

It's really draining to hear outsiders say things like "So your solution is that we should have legal abortion instead of fix the system to support women?" Duh, no. Why are such people always assuming you can EITHER support addressing systemic problems OR support assisting someone who has an immediate problem and faces limited possible approaches? Total false dichotomy. I favor doing both of the above, because both are needed! How is that difficult to grasp?

The patient wasn't happy about having an abortion, but she was firm in her decision. She wasn't happy with her abuser, but not confident that she and her kids would be able to survive if she left him, either. Despite our staff's efforts, this was not the day that she could decide to find a safer life.

If you know someone is abusing children, in many cases reporting is mandated and there are channels for it and the kids get "taken away" (sometimes out of the frying pan and into the fire, sadly) and they may gain state protection in the form of an undisclosed placement location or something like that. If you know someone is abusing an adult, that isn't usually the case. She cried in the recovery room and everyone was worried and angry but we had to discharge her into the care of the person who was hurting her, because she's an adult and that's what she told us to do. It sucked. 

The Case of the Minor

I would like to piggy back off of Revolutionary Vagina's last post about the young girl who self-induced an abortion using a lead pencil. An article about this was posted on lifenews.com, and contains several false and just plain ridiculous claims.

I am sure this story probably has most people wanting to vomit and cry at the same time as their hearts break for this little girl. I would also guess however that many of those same people would not even bat an eye if her method of killing her child had been a RU 486 prescription from the local Planned Parenthood. -Bryan Kemper, head of Stand True, a pro-life group

First of all, you cannot get the pill from Planned Parenthood to induce abortion after about 9 weeks. From the article, it sounds as if she was much much further along, but who really knows. If she was "delivering a baby," I would guess she had to been late second trimester. If she was that far along, wouldn't her parents have noticed? If she was in her first trimester, she wouldn't have delievered a "baby." She would have bled a lot. Kemper makes it sound like you can just take the pill at 25 weeks and boom you're done. Totally not the case.

Secondly, if this young woman would have been able to go to Planned Parenthood to get her abortion pill prescription, she would have had an interview with a counselor. Obviously, we cannot know if she would have told the truth to the counselor or not, but it would definitely have been in her best interest to talk to an adult about having an abortion before trying to perform one on herself. Thus it probably would have been GOOD for her to go to Planned Parenthood.

It is also a very different thing to perform an abortion on yourself and then have your creepy older boyfriend bury the fetus in a ditch. That is just not normal. That is very sad, scary, and bizarre. Having an abortion in an abortion clinic is normal. It is safe. It is not dangerous. The risk of even minor complications is very, very low when an abortion is performed in a safe, sterile environment with trained medical professionals, like at a Planned Parenthood. So, yes, I would not bat an eye at that. If that makes me a monster, then you have a fucked up definition of what it means to be a monster.

Kemper also said, "I can also hear the spin now, 'this is why we need safe and legal abortion,' -- even though abortions are already legal and are supposed to prevent such self-induced abortions." This goes back to precisely what Revolutionary Vagina was talking about. Pennsylvania has parental consent laws. She obviously did not want to tell her parents. How come none of the anti-choicers want to talk about that? If she was able to go to a clinic she wouldn't have been in this situation. THAT is the problem. Further, she is thirteen years old. She is child. I can say at thirteen I was in no shape to be having sex, and definitely not sex with someone SEVENTEEN years older than me. Can we take a step back and ask, why was this thirteen year old doing this? Her boyfriend/partner/creeper said he had sex with her "hundreds" of times. How did this happen? It troubles me this happened so many times yet nobody seemed to be aware. Of course, teens can be very sneaky and do a good job hiding things from their parents, but she is thirteen! I find it hard to believe a thirteen year old could sucessfully pull that off unless she is some sort of smooth talking magical pixie with a unicorn.

My favorite quote of the article is "'If the girl had gone to Planned Parenthood he would probably still be raping her as I doubt they would have turned him in," Kemper explained."

It is true there are cases where Planned Parenthood staffers did not appropriately follow state rules and turn in a man who was engaging in an inappropriate relationship a minor. I think that is terrible. It is beyond messed up. I would prefer if everyone followed the rules about that. I do think that each staffer was trying to act in the best interest of the minor, even if the staffer might not have been in reality. Either way, it is ridiculous to assume that all Planned Parenthoods everywhere just let minors get raped all the time like it's no big deal, because that is definitely NOT the case. I have worked with plenty of clinics that have bent over backwards to get guys arrested who were doing that kind of stuff. Planned Parenthoods and clinics, for the vast majority of cases, DO follow the rules. And rapists get caught. Which is a good thing because they might otherwise have not.

How come anti-choicers don't want to talk about how clinics often get bad guys in trouble. Or that this girl, who could have died, and just went through something terribly traumatic, didn't have to go through that. She could have just had a regular, safe abortion. It wouldn't have been the horrifying experience of shoving a pencil into your own uterus and then becoming violently ill and having to have your boyfriend who is not a doctor deliver your dead baby for you and then take it and bury it in a ditch. The fact she had to go through that is so fucked up. If she had access to a clinic, she would have been able to have an abortion with a doctor who knows what he/she is doing and with counselors who are trained to talk to her about her decision. A fucking sad state of affairs. Perfect example of what parental consent laws are dangerous.

Also -- if anyone stumbled upon this page by googling the story of the girl who used the pencil, and is thinking of using a pencil or anything to self abort. PLEASE DO NOT DO IT. Self aborting is very dangerous and often leads to at minimum serious complications and even death. If you have questions about where to go please see the National Abortion Federation's list of clinics or contact your local Planned Parenthood for a place in your area.

Precious Girls

"I sit in my room. I know too who I'm pregnant for. But I can't change that. Abortion is a sin. I hate bitches who kill they babies. They should kill them, see how they like it! I talk to baby. Boy be nice. Girl might be retarded, like me? But I not retarded.

I bet chu one thing, I bet chu my baby can read. Bet a mutherfucker that! Betcha he ain' gonna have no dumb muver.

I look down my stomach. I'm some big now. I'm only seven months but I know I look nine. I mean I am big. Scale just stop at 200 but I know if it a different scale like hospital scale it just keep going. I'm going to doctor tomorrow. Miz Rain fall out, I mean she fall out! when she find out I ain' been to doctor. PRENATAL! PRENATAL! The whole damn class is screamin' preeeenatal! Whas that! You gotta this, they say, and you gotta that- I don't gotta though. I don't tell them I had first baby on kitchen floor. Muver kicking me, pains whipping me. Who gonna believe some shit like that?"
PUSH by Sapphhire p. 63


PUSH is a fictional novel by Sapphire that was recently made into a movie called Precious, named for the main character. This is a story of a girl who makes her way in the world after a lifetime of abuse of many forms. She gives birth to a child who is the result of rape by her father at age twelve. Her story unfolds as a testament to the role of literacy and knowledge as an instrument of self love and the ability to make personal decisions. Precious' story entails aspects of racism, classism, sizism, sexism, literacy, health care, access, and abuse.

Early on in the story Precious is kicked out of her high school because she is pregnant, she is told she is too old to be in junior high school and asked to leave. She is given information on an alternative Each One, Teach One program by the same teacher some time after being kicked out of school. She is pregnant for the second time by her father at the age of sixteen.

I would venture to say that most people who are strongly against abortion might even be willing to agree that abortion is acceptable in Precious' circumstance. However, Precious makes it clear that for her abortion is not an option, despite her circumstances. If I spoke to Precious I might ask her to seek more extensive counseling but I would tell her not to get an abortion if she doesn't want one. The children Precious gave birth to gave her a sense of purpose and helped her develop a sense of self-love.

The quote above strings together many different issues. Precious knows she is pregnant by her father and she asserts her negative opinion of abortion. She then wrestles with her feelings of self-degradation: if she has a girl it might be retarded like her. Next she hits on the importance of literacy: her baby will be able to read and will not have a dumb mother. Her next thoughts jump to her own body image: "I'm some big now....I mean I am big." In this story it is clear that she has internalized that being big is ugly and gross. Finally she mentions that she has never had prenatal care for either of her pregnancies, and links all of this back to the abuse with her description of the birth of her first child on her mother's kitchen floor.

This trail of thought is so poignant because it is clear that for Precious her access to health care and information is tied to her abuse. All of this is a part of her internalized self-hate. She is fat, black, ugly, and retarded. It is literacy and information that helps Precious escape her abusers and begin to learn her own self value. Her choices are limited and so each decision she makes is limited by access to information and resources. She doesn't think she needs to get prenatal care because she doesn't have the information to know how to take care of herself.

People who should have helped Precious place blame on her. Precious' mother blames her for the abuse from her father and for both pregnancies. The teacher who initially kicks her out of school blames her for being pregnant and assumes Precious has a nasty attitude. All people and systems that should have helped Precious blame her for her predicament, until she meets Miz Rain in the Each One Teach One program. Typically people who are victims of classism, racism, sexism and miseducation are blamed for their circumstance, they are treated as individuals with an individual problem, rather than a product of an abusive, dysfunctional social system.

I may not have spoken to the Precious girls who hate abortion. However, I have spoken to the Perfect, Lovely, Bonita, Faithful, Princess girls, children who have been raped and terrorized by people who are supposed to love them. Precious' story is fictional but it is not fantasy, there are girls all over the world who have stories that parallel this one. Literacy and information are directly linked to access and the ability to make decisions for oneself.

PUSH is a story of survival. It is a story of a girl who survives abuse, hatred, sizism, sexism, racism, classism, lack of health care, and miseducation. Precious believes abortion is a sin. Maybe if she had more information she would feel differently. Regardless, her choice to be a mother should be respected without judgment, just like another precious girl's choice to have an abortion should be respected.

Burning Negativity

This weekend I sat in a circle with my sisters and my dad and we had a bonfire. A healing ritual if you will. We burned hurt, anger, fear, abuse, and much more. We laughed and cried. Abuse and disrespect were the catalyst for this circle. We all healed, each of us with different scars some that ran deeper than others, and some so fresh they had not even begun to scab.

I have toyed around in my mind with all sorts of thoughts on what to write. I'm not in the direct line of action these days and truly I'm in need of this hiatus. There were and still are so many other things stirring in my soul that I need this time to work through. While working as an abortioneer for the last 4 years, I had an ovary removed due to a 13 cm cyst, I came out as lesbian, I was raped by a woman, I experienced large scale disaster and temporarily lost my home, and my sanity, I was also robbed at gunpoint and jumped exactly one year later.

Not long before I left my job in abortionland a wonderful supervisor noticed the burnt out nature of many of the employees. We all love helping women get the information and care we need, but its also exhausting as we often share. This boss lady brought us information about Secondary Trauma and Compassion Fatigue. Many of us joked about these very seemingly silly concepts. As I have had a moment to breath a bit a fresh air, I began to think more about the things I learned in abortionland, experiences gained as well as the difficulties. Secondary Traumatic Stress Disorder(STSD) is about experiencing symptoms much like Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder as a result of working with someone else who has experienced trauma. Here is a semi-recent study regarding STSD and working with survivors.

I fear rape more than anything. I always assumed my hypervigilence about men, strangers, night time, being alone, and anything else that might be associated with rape was all because of my own experiences. I've been raped and I was assaulted twice. I've been told its PTSD and I don't doubt it thats part of it. However, the longer I am away from abortionland the more I realize that my fears and hypervigilence is a culmination of PTSD from my own experiences and secondary trauma. For years I heard women's rape stories maybe not everyday, but more than a few times a week for sure. The thousands of woman I talked to are tucked away in the crevices of my memory sometimes I remember a story or one sort of haunts my thoughts when I don't even realize it. I wake up any night I sleep alone in a fright and have to sooth myself back to sleep.

On saturday night we burned abuse and our abusers. I am burning this negativity I carry in my soul, I started on Saturday but I'm finishing.

I grew up in abortionland, I developed passion, love, counseling skills, a connection to thousands of women's lives, a little bit of professionalism, and a lot more. I'm thankful but I'm still figuring out to deal with the trauma that is integral to so many women's experience of their bodies including mine.