Healing Words

The Lessons of the Falling Leaves...

The leaves believe such letting go is love

Such love is faith

Such faith is grace

Such grace is God

I agree with the Leaves

-Lucille Clifton

I love this poem. It is a poem about healing, for me it reminds me that letting go is an act of love rather than hurtful. Often when I sit down to write I am bogged down by the intensity of the work I do. I wish I were able to set aside my memories and experiences completely at moments. I love what I do and I do not have bad memories, but it is an intense line of work. So tonight after a hectic day at work, healing keeps coming to my heart.

Lucille Clifton's poetry often addresses the beauty and pain of real life. I decided to read a bit about her poetry concerning abortion. She has a unique story concerning abortion. In the poem "the lost baby" Clifton expresses a since of ambivalence and sadness about a terminated pregnancy and alludes to financial strains. I believe this poem is beautiful, not because all women *should* experience sadness after an abortion, but because some women do experience some kind of sadness just like some women experience relief and joy.

I have spoken to a few women in both my professional and personal life who experience regret in some form after an abortion. I believe that just like any difficult and life altering decision abortion can be intense and hard.I wish that rather than offering judgment we could find ways to help women heal. No one wants to face an unintended pregnancy, no one.

Lucille Clifton wrote another poem about abortion called "donor". I was unable to find the poem online but from what I have read she attempted to self abort unsuccessfully and 30 years later her daughter donated a kidney to her. This story would probably make an anti-abortion radical hyperventilate with excitement. Based on Clifton's experience I wonder what about her opinions on keeping abortion safe, legal, and accessible. I have no idea if Clifton is pro-choice, but for me what is revolutionary about this poetry is her willingness to make herself vulnerable by sharing her experience of abortion access and choice.

I dream of abortion provision that allows women to express their feelings without the expectation that they should feel any one way. Last week, a woman stated that she felt many of the women in the clinic were taking the procedure "too lightly." I explained to her that each person who walks in the clinic had different life experiences and circumstances and each person will respond to their choice differently. I further explained there is not one way someone should feel or act through their abortion appointments.

*It is hard to write about regret and sadness and abortion. I fear some crazy person on the internet will skew my words. This blog is a place to address all aspects of abortion both as providers and as women.

Burning Negativity

This weekend I sat in a circle with my sisters and my dad and we had a bonfire. A healing ritual if you will. We burned hurt, anger, fear, abuse, and much more. We laughed and cried. Abuse and disrespect were the catalyst for this circle. We all healed, each of us with different scars some that ran deeper than others, and some so fresh they had not even begun to scab.

I have toyed around in my mind with all sorts of thoughts on what to write. I'm not in the direct line of action these days and truly I'm in need of this hiatus. There were and still are so many other things stirring in my soul that I need this time to work through. While working as an abortioneer for the last 4 years, I had an ovary removed due to a 13 cm cyst, I came out as lesbian, I was raped by a woman, I experienced large scale disaster and temporarily lost my home, and my sanity, I was also robbed at gunpoint and jumped exactly one year later.

Not long before I left my job in abortionland a wonderful supervisor noticed the burnt out nature of many of the employees. We all love helping women get the information and care we need, but its also exhausting as we often share. This boss lady brought us information about Secondary Trauma and Compassion Fatigue. Many of us joked about these very seemingly silly concepts. As I have had a moment to breath a bit a fresh air, I began to think more about the things I learned in abortionland, experiences gained as well as the difficulties. Secondary Traumatic Stress Disorder(STSD) is about experiencing symptoms much like Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder as a result of working with someone else who has experienced trauma. Here is a semi-recent study regarding STSD and working with survivors.

I fear rape more than anything. I always assumed my hypervigilence about men, strangers, night time, being alone, and anything else that might be associated with rape was all because of my own experiences. I've been raped and I was assaulted twice. I've been told its PTSD and I don't doubt it thats part of it. However, the longer I am away from abortionland the more I realize that my fears and hypervigilence is a culmination of PTSD from my own experiences and secondary trauma. For years I heard women's rape stories maybe not everyday, but more than a few times a week for sure. The thousands of woman I talked to are tucked away in the crevices of my memory sometimes I remember a story or one sort of haunts my thoughts when I don't even realize it. I wake up any night I sleep alone in a fright and have to sooth myself back to sleep.

On saturday night we burned abuse and our abusers. I am burning this negativity I carry in my soul, I started on Saturday but I'm finishing.

I grew up in abortionland, I developed passion, love, counseling skills, a connection to thousands of women's lives, a little bit of professionalism, and a lot more. I'm thankful but I'm still figuring out to deal with the trauma that is integral to so many women's experience of their bodies including mine.