Dear America: It's Time to GROW UP

*had to do some digging to find out who Cristy Cardinal is. Cardinal works at HAVEN in Michigan, I think. This quote was picked up by The Nation, August 21st. Article here. Cardinal - we love your quote!*


Misogyny in this country is staring straight at us. Looking us in the eyes and slapping us across the face. It doesn't care there's an audience. It doesn't care that generations of women who have fought for reproductive freedom have just watched. It doesn't care that this 13 year old was raped by her step-father and is now pregnant. The misogyny in our country is THAT blatant. THAT rampant. That disgusting.

When you're slapped so hard, with such force, it's shocking. The magnitude of disregard for women is strong enough that I feel stung every time I read. Every time I turn on the TV. There's always a new slant. A new way to get us on our knees.

But misogyny forgets that we are strong. Misogyny thinks of himself with such ferocity, that it doesn't notice the rumbling in the once quiet audience. Women are starting to speak out.

Maybe they began to feel safer to do so after Obama promised women at the national BlogHer conference that he would not "give ground" on abortion. Maybe quiet women are realizing just how loud the hate is.

Whatever has prompted it, women are using their voices.

I read a beautifully written post here from a woman who had been raped at 17. The blogger shared this private information with her community, and was shaking in her boots doing it.

Another blogger bravely wrote her abortion story here.

I'm in awe of women being prompted to talk about their experiences. And I know our abortioneer community is grateful. Not to mention many other American women.

Women have the right to be outraged. At least one in three of us will have an abortion. That's a lot of us. So, lots of women should be outraged, really.

Women blogging on abortion is a good thing. It's a terrible thing that all the insensitive and flat-out-jaw-droppingly-stupid things politicians have been saying has occurred. For some, it's like being raped all over again.

No matter how you put it, all this hate being spewed is a violation. It crosses the line so far that you can't even SEE that line anymore.

That is jarring. And it's making some of us talk. But they're so scared. So worried about being judged. And they're worried because we live in a society that shuts women up.

This society makes us think we can't use our voice, lest we are shunned and bad and wrong and selfish or a whore or had it coming to us. Or worse: that our bodies can shut off what we had coming to us.

Our society needs to change.

Our society needs to grow the fuck up and starting showing its humanity.

We love YOU!

That picture's funny, right? Come on. If you work at a clinic, you totally know WHY that's funny!


Oh, there's soooo much shit going on out there right now, isn't there? Are you getting depressed about it all? I sure as fuck am.

What the HELL is going on in this country, huh?

Well, if you're anything like me, you need a laugh. Especially now. Especially because there are so many damned idiotic politicians making stupid assed comments. (And worse, believing them.)

Because we love you and you're our biggest fan, we want you to take a minute and relax. Yes, that's it. Take a deep breath. Take a moment for yourself.

Relaxed?

Good.

Now. Let's have a little laugh.

This is my favorite. Every time I buy Prego, I think of this:

I used this one back in January, but January was a loonnnnnnng time ago. So here it is again.

Funny, right?


Feel better? At least a little?

OK, GOOD!

Try to have a good day, all ye fellow Abortioneers.

We love you. (It's true!!)

Give yourself a BIG pat on your back. You deserve it. You're AWESOME!

Now.
GO FIGHT THE GOOD FIGHT!

Sex Selection

Are there ever times you feel a little – uncomfortable – with a woman’s reason for having an abortion? We’re not all Saints of Non-judgment, though some of us may strive to be. (Err…maybe some of us don’t…)

Last week, a recent immigrant from an Asian country (I won’t say which) came to our clinic for an abortion. I was the abortion counselor that day. She was in her second trimester and wanted to know if we could figure out the sex of the fetus. This isn’t a completely strange question, but I don’t get asked that often.

Because she was less than 18 weeks and because we don’t perform diagnostic ultrasounds, I explained we wouldn’t be able to identify the sex. I let her know that usually diagnostic ultrasounds to determine the sex are done between 18-22 weeks and that if she had a physician/midwife, she could schedule an ultrasound with them at that time (as it is standard practice).

She wasn’t willing to wait at least another month to have an abortion. You know the drill: she’d have to travel out of state; the cost would be much higher; she’d have to spend time away from home; someone would have to watch her small daughter while she left the area (and explain why she needed a babysitter); and her husband would have to get a lot of time off work.

We don’t ask patients why they want to have an abortion. Really, it’s none of our business. Still, lots of women offer their reasons when we ask if they’re sure of their decision, if they have support, etc.

The woman from last week calmly offered she didn’t want to have a girl.

Look, I’m about as pro-choice as they come. As long as it is a patient’s own decision to have an abortion, I’m cool with it regardless of the circumstances or gestation. I’ll admit though, it took me a slight second to register what the patient was telling me. My brain hitched.

I nodded at her and she explained herself, though she didn’t owe me any explanation at all.

In her country (like in many), girls do not have as many opportunities as boys and are considered a burden. She and her family plan to go back to their country soon and they wouldn’t be able to afford another girl (it costs a lot of money to have girls marry/dowries).

There’s been some national controversy about this (like, in May); even the pro-choicers didn’t want to really talk about sex selection abortion occurring. The reality is, though: it does. It’s not very common in our country, and I’ve never heard anyone – except someone who is from an Asian country – even mention it, at work. And I’ve been doing abortion work a long time.

The concept seems very foreign to us; but, is it really? Globally, there is underlying sexism that drives the devaluation of women. It happens here, too. Please, how many people have raised their hands saying women in this country don’t deserve to be paid equally to men? (Rolling eyes.)

It was a good reminder for me that we’re here to support women, in whatever it is they want, and trust that they know what they need for themselves, even if we may not understand it. We don’t need to understand. We just need to be there.

First Impressions

Can someone please come up with a "Tripadvisor" for abortion clinics? Who wouldn't want to rate their clinic experience? It would be cool, in an ideal world, if women felt safe enough to "rate" their experience. (Check out Abortion Care Network's Advice on choosing a clinic.)

- Were the staff friendly on the phone and in person?
- Was the doctor warm?
- Was it efficient and informative?
- Was it in a good location?
- Was the clinic clean?
- How was the website?
- What did you like and dislike?

First impressions count. They count when your clients call your clinic or your abortion fund. They are listening for something. Anything. Any detection that the person on the other end of the phone might judge them. She's trying to decide if you're the right place for her.

Abortion is riddled with stigma. People think of back alley abortions and dirty instruments. If your clinic is in a bad neighborhood, needs a paint job, and your staff aren't warm and professional (maybe they answer their phone too quickly and sound apathetic), it just adds to the nasty abortion stigma. On the other hand, if you have a modern, clean facility out-of-reach from hassling protesters, affordable prices, and kind staff, you're rockin' it. Right?

Women don't share their abortion experiences, but it would make a difference, I think, for women to weigh-in and provide online referrals. I use all sorts of websites like Yelp! that help me determine whether I want to go to a certain restaurant or not. Do I want someone's opinion on the abortion clinic they went to? Yes, please.

So You Want to Be an Abortioneer

So, you’re thinking of becoming an Abortioneer. Yay! There is no shortage of Abotioneers, so you’ve come to the right place.
With all jobs, there are pros and cons. Abortioneering is no exception. Here’s a list of some potentially negative things to consider if you want to be an Abortioneer.


1. What should you say when people ask you where you work? I believe there is no right or wrong answer to this question, and that you may likely find yourself varying your answer depending on circumstances. Abortion is highly stigmatized. Depending on your geographic location and your own community, you may or may not feel comfortable stating where you work and what exactly your job entails. Check this out. And another.



2. Abortion is riddled with stigma. This impacts LOTS of things (could be multiple blogs in and of itself), including how people respond/react to abortion, which means it will impact you. Be aware of this. Even people you think are liberal may not be pro-choice; people you consider – or consider themselves – to be conservative may be. This might impact the way you talk about your daily life; for example, while an accountant may be able to talk about her day at work to most anyone in a social situation, you may not feel that you can without potentially being harassed (or even violating HIPAA). Here are some previous blog posts about talking to others about your work. This. And this one. And this. And yet another. (You can see we write about this a lot.)



3. Abortioneering can be isolating at times. (I could write several blogs about this topic alone.) Stigma plays into this, causing many abortioneers to feel somewhat guarded about their work lives. In an unhealthy (but probably not-so-uncommon) situation, some abortioneers may even feel a bit cut off from their communities, families, friends and stay safely within Abortioneering circles. (There are many reasons this could easily occur – but they require another post!) It’s up to you to come up with strategies to keep involved in your community. We all need support. Which brings us to…



4. Support. You'll need it. Consider ways to get the support. Having friends, family, and co-workers you can talk to helps immensely. If key family members and friends are not supportive of your decision to become an Abortioneer, you may be in for a bumpy road. Compile strategies on how to deal with this in healthy ways. Abortioneers are amazing people. You’ll probably be drawn to them. You’ll have common interests, they’ll understand what you’re going through, and you can talk about your day with them. They “get it.” And there’s a beautiful community out there waiting for you, filled with passionate, caring people. Still, try to strike a balance between your abortion world friends and your non-abortion world friends so you keep a foot in your own community (even though, it will be strange to navigate this at first). Here are some posts we're written on support, or calling on the need for it. And here.



5. Work for an organization that encourages its employees to support one another. Sounds obvious, but I would try to suss out if they really do support their employees (in the ways their employees want/need). It might be best to know someone you can talk to who works for the organization to see how their organization supports them. It may be more difficult for some employers to breed a culture of support nowadays. In this economy, many clinics and organizations have had to reduce their staff. That means fewer people working harder and smarter. That also means there is less time during work to seek out support from co-workers. I would argue that it would benefit you to find the ones that do their best under the circumstances. (This could mean: happy hours; occasional lunches; debriefing meetings; whatever.) I have a friend who used to work at a clinic and they would write down all the funny things their co-workers said. At a bi-weekly meeting, they’d start off by reading out all the funnies. This helped lift spirits and encourage a spirit of teamwork.



6. Work/life balance. Abortion is intense. Talking to a 13 year old who was raped and now wants an abortion is intense. Many abortioneers are motivated to make a difference in others’ lives. That commonly means you’ll focus on the women you serve throughout your day. This is an absolutely amazing, special, and rewarding part of Abortioneering. It’s where all the magic happens. It can also take its toll if you don’t take care of yourself. Take your lunch. Take your breaks. When things feel especially intense at work, step outside. Go to the restroom and take deep breaths if you have to. You will most likely need ways to decompress after work as well. Try not to take your work home with you. (Literally and figuratively. This is difficult to do.) When I was single, I would go straight home, get a glass of red wine, grab a great book, and soak in the bath. Now that I have children, I decompress in the car, en route to picking them up from school. I blare music, chat with my friends on the phone, nip into a little shop. Whatever. When I get home, I focus on my family and, late in the evening, I make an effort to do something just for me. Here's a post about that.



7. Security. Ever so sadly and infuriating, the safety of the facility where you work, the safety of your doctors, your co-workers, and yourself is at risk. I hate even having to type that. But it is true. Depending on where you live, the risk might be lower. I know a handful of people who have been followed. It’s not uncommon for anti protesters to take photographs of staff. They might even write down your license plate number. US Marshals recommend clinic workers register their cars to a PO Box or to their place of work, not to their homes. It may be disarming to see the doctor wear a bullet proof vest. Depending on where you work – and honestly, at any abortioneering job they should be talking about this – you might be advised to stay alert at all times, walk out of work in pairs (at least), change your route home on a regular basis. This began to impact me more deeply after I had my children. I didn’t want some psycho following me home to my two kids. Consider your safety. Look around at the facility where you’re working: do they take security seriously? If it’s a clinic, there should probably be, at minimum, security cameras, bullet-proof windows, alarm systems, etc. Here are some posts about safety and security. And here. And a last one.



Hopefully these ideas help a bit. Ask away if you have questions! Good luck in your Abortioneering job search. It really is an amazing sector to work in.

Hey! Don't I Recognize You? Oh! You're One of Our Protesters!

In my last blog post, I discussed how I outted myself as an abortioneer to a friend. I also mentioned that one of my hints to her that I do abortion work was that I had asked her to find out if guests at a recent dinner party we both attended could be uber pro-life…

…That dinner party was loads of fun, but there was an older couple who looked an awful lot like infrequent Catholic protesters at our clinic. During the dinner, I just couldn’t figure out if they were protesters or not. I searched for hints on whether they were politically conservative. No one mentioned politics. I heard a whisper of “Planned Parenthood” once, but didn’t catch what was said and this only heightened my paranoia. I kept wondering if they thought I, too, looked familiar and whether they would out me to the host of the party (whom I hadn’t told about my abortion clinic work). Conflicted, the only things I could surmise were that they were educated, well travelled, soft spoken, unassuming, and very, very, very nice. I kept playing out in my head a scenario where I would see them the following week outside the building, not knowing whether to quickly duck into the clinic, hoping they wouldn’t see me, or wave and say, “Hey! Hi! How are you? What a great dinner party that was last week, huh? It was lovely to meet you.” In this scenario, I could actually imagine this couple shaking my hand and have a friendly little chat about the dinner, how things are getting on, etc. Part of me wondered: is it possible to be friendly and admire to some extent people who would actually protest at the clinic? Could I really be enjoying these people, liking them, and wanting to continue to hear their stories…even if they protested my clinic?

It was a mind fuck, let me tell you. It would be a better story if my friend confirmed to me that they were, yes, in fact quite conservative and frequently attended pro-life gatherings. The story doesn’t end that way: I was told they were super liberal and would never protest a clinic. I apologize if my story is now a bit anti-climatic, but still, I think it’s a good story. I think it tells a few things (aside from that I have a warped brain): we want to reach out and connect with others; we want to find common ground (even though I don’t think there’s common ground on abortion); there’s this desire to see past differences, beyond values, even, if there are many other things you agree on (maybe that’s the common ground thing); and mostly, I think it shows how by doing the work we do, we can get very worried and concerned about how others in our community view us/see us. It can cause us to be guarded. Not completely open. And we might lose out on relationships with others as a result. I was not as candid with this couple as I could’ve been - or even wanted to be – because I wasn’t sure who they were!

Do you guys have experiences where you feel not quite as open to others, especially strangers, in social situations, because of your work?

Friends of Abortioneers

Today I outted myself as an abortioneer to one of my friends. I’ve given hints that I do abortion work; I told her I worked at a clinic “like Planned Parenthood” and once let it slip that there were creepy protesters that annoyed me. (Oh, and there’s that time I asked her to discreetly find out that if some of the guests at a recent dinner party were super conservative and conservative enough to protest.) We managed to have lunch together this afternoon and I mentioned something about stress at work…blahblahblah. She asked why I didn’t talk about it and I got squirmy, told her I was uncomfortable, that I wasn’t sure if she knew “what I did,” and didn’t want to upset her. She started to laugh and said, “Um, I’m not a rocket scientist, but I’m no dummy either. I pretty much put the pieces together that you work at an abortion clinic.” Fairly painless other than the fact I felt a bit idiotic.

I adore this friend. Our kids play together. Maybe that’s why I was worried about how she’d react. I supposed I feared I’d lose a friend: I mean, I know abortioneers who’ve been dumped by friends for their work at the clinic. It could’ve happened to me, too. Thankfully, it didn’t…

Lesson learned, though. Maybe I shouldn’t always be so slow to talk about myself. To open up. To share about my real life. It only adds to the isolation that we sometimes can feel from being an abortioneer.

Abortion Funnies

We all need to laugh a lot. It's good for you. Even the Mayo Clinic says that it helps relieve stress not just in the short-term, but also the long-term. Doing frontline abortion work has its inherent stress. So, our gift to you, our fab readers, is some cartoons to make you laugh.

Have a wonderful, happy day!


We're so proud our blogger, Mr. Banana Grabber, got the whole Siri thing stirred up...internationally! I find it a sign of success that as a result, there are the following photoshopped pics where Siri is overcompensating for not finding abortion clinics...



I had this conversation after my abortion...



And another someecard...Anyone who is already a mother might recognize this passing thought!



The way it goes, sometimes....!

Shitty Jobs: They Exist Here, Too

Abortioneers can have shitty jobs. Most of us do the work because we care. We look to the greater good. We are motivated by helping others (and if you’re not, you won’t last long as an Abortioneer). Most of us are grossly underpaid and grossly overworked. Most of us have co-workers who are incredible and inspiring. Hopefully, we have bosses and doctors who give a shit and don’t take the crazy stress out on their employees.

Those of you who work in clinics are pretty amazing, really. You get up every day and go to work in the face of protesters that scream at them. You hold onto complete strangers' secrets and carry them as your own. You put up with threats. You get isolated socially because it's hard to talk about your job. You hold hands. You wipe tears. You smile. You're brave. Sometimes you get into the safety of the clinic to face unhappy, burnt-out, unkind co-workers or, worse, bosses. Yes, they exist. They exist everywhere, don’t they? Why should abortioneering be any different?

We’re all so scared to talk about the shit that exists within our work because we want to portray an image of the altruistic feminists who fight hard for the cause, never give up on women needing abortions, and never give up on their employees. That doesn’t always exist. The reality is, just like in any other job, there can be fucking shitty managers. Fucking shitty co-workers. Fucking shitty work environments. And guess what? We hatehatehatehate talking about it because we:
1) Don’t want to get outted to our employers (and possibly face getting fired)
2) Don’t want to fuel the antis who read our blog and will say, “See! You guys are suffering because of the evil work you do!”

I’m sick of both of those things. My dear, dear co-blogger, Sparky, just wrote about how she’s having a hard time at work in this post. She’s brave. I admire her. She spoke out. Our work is hard. It’s easy to get burned out. We givegivegive of our hearts and sometimes our employers don’t really give much back to us in terms of support. Sometimes our employers tend so much to the “business” part of our business, that they forget the heart of it. They forget that without passion, without advocacy, without caring for more than the bottom line (and without having employees who do, to their core, have these qualities), they will have a very cold business. They will lose those who care the most: who are motivated by making a difference in women’s lives. Some of my friends are getting lied to by their bosses: being promised that they would always have a job/not get a paycut/not get laid-off/that they’re too valuable to ever lose; then all of the above happens. And employees who are rude to patients, rude to other employees, who suck the heart out of a clinic stay behind.

I understand Sparky. I’m burned out, too. I’ve been burned out. And I realize that sadly, where I work, there are lots of unhappy people who probably are just waiting to get out. Maybe they want to find a replacement before they quit. I’m looking for a new gig. I’m loyal to abortion work, but I’m no longer loyal to my clinic. Hard to be loyal around those who aren’t loyal to you or who you can’t really respect.

So, we’re sorry to those of you who are struggling at work. It totally sucks. If employers dump so much stress on their staff on top of the inherent stress that already exists doing this work, they’ll lose all their best people (they’ll either quit or they’ll get so disenchanted and angry that you won’t want them anymore). What a terrible thing to squash the passion and the love of the work out of your employees or co-workers.

In my opinion, abortion clinics should be a place of love. When they aren’t anymore and there’s nothing you can do about it, it’s time to get out.

Abortions "To Go": Modernizing Abortion Services

We had a client yesterday who asked if she could get in and out of the clinic within an hour or so. I told her it wasn’t possible since the sedation alone would require her stay about thirty minutes after her abortion just to make sure she was feeling okay…let alone all the paperwork and labwork we’d need to do prior. She still wanted to get in and out within a maximum of two hours. She was busy and had a lot to do.

I think some clinics have entire abortion appointments that last about two hours. At our clinic, it usually takes four. I mean, of course, the abortion only takes a couple minutes, but women are usually waiting around FOREVER. I often think there’s something wrong with how either we schedule people or how we organize the appointment flow since sometimes people are at our clinic for even more than five hours. Patients complain a lot about this and I can’t blame them. It’s not like our waiting room is super comfortable or welcoming (sadly, I find this is true in a lot of clinics).

On one hand, as abortioneers, we want to spread the message that abortion is a simple and common procedure (it is!), but we make women wait ages in either over- or under- heated waiting rooms between labwork, counseling, and their abortion. They fill out millions of pieces of paper that ask for a lot of the same information repeatedly. We definitely are sending mixed messages: if abortion is simple and common, why would you be in the clinic for over three hours?

The abortion-to-go girl is right, in my opinion. If a patient is totally sure of her decision (most are by the time they come in, or else they just don’t show up for their appointment…usually), then we should be able to accommodate them and get them through their appointments quickly. That might mean clinics need to think outside the box a little and be more creative in scheduling and in how they process appointments, but they should do that then. Let women fill out their paperwork online, for example. (Or clinics should move to electronic medical records!) What if patients could make payments online before their appointment? I think clinics are so far behind technology now…imagine if a client could even book her appointment with her iPhone because the clinic has an app for that. I think it could happen.

Anyway, I really think we can all do better at actually providing abortion services in a more quick and efficient manner while holding onto warm and kind staff (who of course will be more kind and warm if patients are happy and not complaining!). What do you guys think?

Raising Abortion Money Creatively

Recession. Tough economic times. We all hear about it. All the time. It’s daunting and scary. Many have lost jobs. Unemployment rate has increased. It impacts clients, too; it’s harder to come up with money for abortions now. I used to hear that patients were able to borrow money more easily from friends and family than they are able to now. More and more, you hear how people’s support networks are being drained. Women have to be more creative with raising funds…like in the photo at the beginning of this post.

I think having a keg party to raise money for an abortion is one of the most brilliant ideas I’ve ever heard and I’m so going to tell all my patients who need money for their procedure about it! The thing is, though it’s funny, the keg abortion fundraiser probably was a real event. There’s a website called Texts From Last Night where you can submit funny (most likely real) text messages. Those that are especially humorous get posted by area code. You can also search under many keywords, like abortion. Love it!

A shortlist of some of the more creative ideas I’ve heard from patients for raising money are:
1) Yard Sale
2) Bake Sale
3) Church collection
4) Student loans
5) Tax returns
6) Borrowing small amounts of money from multiple people (like $25 from four people = $100)
7) Selling rims from a car
8) Selling stuff off Craigslist
9) Braiding hair/hairstyling (utilizing a talent to earn extra money on the side)
10) Cleaning houses

Sadly, we hear about all the tragic things people have to do, too, like sell food stamps, their wedding/engagement ring, their kids’ toys, etc. Hopefully some of these ideas will help your patients come up with creative ways to save money towards their abortion…

Any other suggestions?

Susan G. Komen Idiots

Seriously, this Susan G. Komen stuff is offensive and crazy. So many of us have dealt with breast cancer first hand. My grandmother died from breast cancer. Even had a double mastectomy, but that ugly cancer spread to her lungs. A friend from high school, in her 20's, died from breast cancer. I'm sure most of you can relate.

Why the fuck Susan G. Komen would ever try to defund any organization that helps detect breast cancer, is beyond me. Beyond all of us. And we all know there is no correlation between breast cancer risk and abortion. Even the CDC and WHO...oh, and the National Cancer Institute have said so. RH Reality Check's Editor-in-Chief, Jodi Jacobson, wrote a great piece here. What's uber scary about this, is that she points out that they've hired individuals who are blatantly anti-abortion and politicize abortion themselves. Like their new VP who was quoted writing on her campaign blog (oh, and she was endorsed by fucking Sarah fucking Palin), "I will be a pro-life governor who will work tirelessly to promote a culture of life in Georgia.... I believe that each and every unborn child has inherent dignity, that every abortion is a tragedy, and that government has a role, along with the faith community, in encouraging women to choose life in even the most difficult of circumstances.... since I am pro-life, I do not support the mission of Planned Parenthood." Her name is Karen Handel and is the former pro-life gubernatorial candidate for Georgia. Seriously? Read more here.

I'm so frustrated by all this fucked-up bullshit, that I can hardly write straight about it. There will be better articles than mine. And Vegan Vagina wrote a very good one yesterday. I used to feel good when I'd buy products that went to support the Susan G. Komen foundation. Fuck that shit now. I will refuse to support them in any way.

Screw 'em.

Laughter is the Best Medicine

Happy Friday, dear readers! We all need a bit of cheer sometimes, so thought we'd try to brighten up your almost weekend by sharing some of our favorite abortion funnies. A huge thanks to someecards which just rocks. So, for starters, we think those of you who get stuck in traffic will enjoy this one!


Sadly, this one seems to sum up our government at the moment!


OMG! Honetly, an Abortioneer must've come up with this one...


An Abortioneer might've made this ecard, too. Might actually be a great blog post sometime!


Because that would happen...(sarcasm)


Feel a bit unsure about whether to post this one or not since I don't agree that there are people who "should" have abortions; however, I love the point that this makes...(15 year olds are able to get on the pill, but can't get Plan B OTC? Puuhhhhlleeeaaaz.)


Ha!
(my favorite funny of the day!)

Hope these made you laugh! This isn't an exhaustive list for us...and feel free to share some of your own favs, too!

Have a great weekend everyone!

Working 9-5: How We Talk (Or Don't) About Abortion

We frequently discuss how to talk to friends/acquaintances/family who are not abortioneers about being an abortioneer. Or even, simply, about abortion. Though I’ve been doing this work a long time, I find I go through stages. Sometimes it’s easier to discuss abortion and other times, it just isn’t easy at all. Probably some of it depends on how much is going on at work (if it’s stressful or we’re having a lot of protesters, I tend not to want to discuss work outside work as much. Especially with people who just won’t get it anyway).

It can feel isolating to have the people who are closest to you not understand your work, your commitment to it, and your passion for it. Only recently have I been able to have conversations with my dad about abortion after years of bitter silence. Sometimes, it’s still frustrating to even talk to my husband; for example, if I have a shit day, he is quick to tell me I should just leave the clinic. He reminds me that I already have to put up with protesters and the stigma that comes along with being an abortioneer. He asks why I should stick around if my boss is being…err…unappreciative. It’s hard for me to explain to him that I’m committed to something larger (the “work”) and can put up with a bunch of bullshit in order to feel like I’m making a difference in someone’s life…and I’m motivated by that…not quite as much by recognition from my employer.

It’s stigma that really makes it so difficult to talk about our work. I haven’t even discussed it with my son’s best friend’s mom (who I have become very good friends with). We do mommy things together all the time; we take our sons to soccer practice, to basketball practice. Over the summer, our kids did gymnastics and baseball. We see each other almost every day. Still, I am vague about my work and have never used the word “abortion.” She probably knows. I’ve mentioned asshole protesters before so hopefully she’s put it all together, but we’ve never talked about it: abortion. Not once. I have no idea how she feels about it, but obviously, I’m worried or else I’d speak more freely. The reality is, though I know she’s fairly liberal, I also know she’s a small town girl, a cowgirl at heart, who likes to ride horses and is from a conservative area. (Which does not mean she would be anti-abortion!)

...So I get nervous. And I feel like I need to grow the fuck up! LOL

Abortion Stigma

God, there’s a lot of stigma around abortion. We certainly get our share of hearing the antis slur words of hate to us that propagates stigma (like in Anti-Antis post Monday); but sometimes, we fight it at work, too.

Yesterday, during a counseling session, a patient folded her arms, looked straight at me and declared, “I am not the same as the other girls in the waiting room. I’m not the same as the rest of them having an abortion.” I’ve heard this sentiment before and asked her to tell me more. She followed with, “I’m married. I have kids. I was using birth control when I got pregnant. I mean, I’m older; and I’m a professional. I’m a responsible person! I’m not the type of person who gets an abortion.” Her statements implied that the other patients were irresponsible, in non-monogamous relationships, unstable, and unprofessional. And who, exactly, is the type of person who gets an abortion?

I’ve learned not to grind my teeth and get offended when women suggest they may be better than other women having abortions because the reality is, they’re just regurgitating all that awful, untrue stigma. I turn experiences – like yesterday’s – into learning opportunities with the women and each time, I hope I don’t sound preachy. I usually handle those conversations by initially putting the focus on her and not the other patients; generally women are worried about being judged and stigmatized for having an abortion (e.g. “I’m not a bad mom. I love children! It’s just we weren’t planning for anymore…it’s such a bad time! My husband just lost his job. The economy is so bad...”). I usually say something along the lines that it sounds as though she’s a good mom who cares very much for her children, and that it must’ve been very frustrating to find out she was pregnant when she did everything she could to prevent an unwanted pregnancy (especially under her present circumstance). Almost always, women uncross their arms, soften their eyes, and take a deep breath; then, I follow-up with the lesson learned: who gets an abortion.

I tell her:

- Most women who have abortions already have at least one child.
- Over half of women who have abortions used some form of birth control the month they got pregnant.
- Most are concerned about the financial implications of having another child and/or the overall well-being of the family unit (perhaps the relationship is rocky already, for example).

Usually they don’t know that. Why would they? Most staff that start working at the clinic don’t even know. (We get trained in it!) My hope is that clients realize they aren’t so different from anyone else having an abortion…and hopefully realize then, that they are not alone. I try to touch on stigma and state the fact that at least three out of 10 women will have an abortion by the time they’re 45, which means they probably know quite a few people who have had an abortion: they probably just don’t know it because of stigma.

I wish there was some solution to this. I don’t know what it is. I wish we could stamp out all the negative connotations about abortion and instead show the truth: someone you love has had an abortion. It’s not uncommon. Regular girls have them. It takes strength, courage, bravery, and determination. There’s nothing irresponsible about it and it’s not a frivolous choice. People who have abortions think about the future. They think about now. They think about others.

I know there are some projects out there tackling stigma...but especially now, it feels like our country is incredibly divisive. It's sad. It's scary. I hate it. And I hope it can change.

Rape.

I just can’t understand that there are people out there who don’t support abortion even when rape is the cause of pregnancy. I don’t want to understand these people and I don’t believe I could even be civil to one of them. I really don’t. (And if you knew me, you’d know I’m civil to most everyone.)

This week, my co-workers and I advocated for a young girl – 13 years old – who was pregnant and had been raped by her father. Last week, I was helping an elderly woman schedule an appointment for her 12 year old granddaughter who had been raped by a cousin. A couple weeks before that, I was trying to help a woman that lived 300 miles away to get to our clinic for an abortion after being raped by a guy 1,000 miles away. All of these girls had to travel to our site. All of them needed help coming up with the money to pay for it. Each of them was in their second trimester. One of them had been denied Plan B at a Catholic hospital after her rape, so she thought she didn’t need it and believed she wouldn’t become pregnant. Under lots of stress, she didn’t think twice about not having her period for awhile. The 12 year old had only just started her menses, so she didn’t even know/understand/think to tell anyone she wasn’t bleeding.

How anyone – ANYONE – could deny these young women an abortion is absolutely beyond me. As clinic employees and abortion advocates, it’s our responsibility to do everything in our power to be there for them, to give them resources, to help make their abortion experience empowering in some way. Our doctor who will help give rape victims a bit of control during their abortion; he will ask the women to hold one of his fingers and if at one point (before aspiration), they want him to stop so they can breathe/take a break, then they just have to pull on that finger. This works. It gives the clients a voice without using their voice. Some control in a position – literally – that could bring back horrific memories.

I don’t agree with – but can be respectful of – individuals who don’t agree with abortion for most circumstances; but I just cannot – and will never – be able to get behind someone who believes that even if raped, that abortion is wrong. Sometimes, I just wish that those individuals could meet one of these girls. Or just talk to them. And though everyone says it: if it was one of their children/grandchildren, I would hope to god they’d be supportive of her having an abortion after a rape, if that is what she chose (because I do know that not everyone who becomes pregnant as a result of rape chooses abortion).

Anyway, I just want to say to those who don’t agree with abortion even under this circumstance, need to totally go fuck off. That is all.

Protecting Secrets

I was going to write about something totally different this morning, but Daughter of Wands and Vegan Vagina have me thinking about secrets with the posts they've written this week. We live somewhat double-lives, as DoW mentioned: we give direct service to women seeking abortions, but we all have interests and lives outside abortion work. And like Vegan Vagina shared, we then write for this blog, which means we’re extra secretive because we have to protect our own anonymity from our employer (and co-workers) as well as our co-bloggers’ anonymity.

This blog began so we could discuss how amazing and challenging doing direct service abortion work is. We needed a safe outlet: a place where we could really vent and celebrate. Work isn’t always a safe place to do this, especially if we think improvements could be made in certain areas. There have been times I’ve definitely been nervous at work listening to people talk about our blog. I often worry about getting outted. Even last week, a co-worker talked about one of my own blog entries. I was incredibly scared that I may have blushed and made it obvious it was me who wrote what she was talking about. Why would we care? Because we don’t represent our employer when we write here, and we may not always agree with our employer and we may want to talk about it; some employers would not be happy with this at all. Mine is one of them. And to be totally honest, there are things I still haven’t written about because I’m so scared of being outted! (And this totally pisses me off.)

Being the keeper of secrets for clients, carrying them on our shoulders, in our hearts, will be a job that lasts a lifetime. Even beyond our work with abortion. We know things about some women that perhaps they’ve never told anyone else. We become woven into their stories: their abortion story. And we have a responsibility in that. It’s our responsibility to be kind and to make their stories – their experiences – just a little better. So we are present. We focus on the women. We care for them. We listen, and - hopefully - trust them. And yet, we must be separate and tip toe on this very fine balance…of being a protector: of patients and of self...without becoming cynical and burned-out. It's not always easy.

I try to keep my life outside abortion quiet and peaceful and not filled with abortion stuff…which, let’s face it: is usually not quiet or peaceful. I try to protect my family from my work and clients from the protesters and myself from my employers and you just end up with this spiral of protectiveness and secrecy which can be difficult to unravel.

So, to those who do know our secrets (our dearest of family and dearest of friends who know we write on this blog), we’ve entrusted you with our utmost confidence that you, too, will protect us. And…we thank you for that!

To Have an IUD or Not to Have an IUD (And then, which type?)

Desembarazarme’s recent post about IUDs here got me thinking. IUDs definitely are more popular. Not so much the ParaGard, but Mirena is. Women are often asking for it and providers are generally – in my experience – urging women to use it. I hope, too, that as long-term birth control methods become more available, that our community doesn’t swing their biases towards one method over another (but , this does seem to happen). The thing is, no method is the savior of all birth control for all women. We’re individual, unique people and different methods fit our needs: including abortion as birth control.

I’ve talked about my very own personal choice to not use hormonal birth control for over 15 years. With my current partner, we combine natural family planning with withdrawal and Plan B to control pregnancy. It’s worked for us. I’ve only become pregnant when I’ve wanted to. Despite this, I’ve actually been considering an IUD for years. When I recently discussed this with my Gynecologist and explained to him my reasons for considering the IUD, he told me that Mirena “is the birth control of choice for female OB/GYNs…even for themselves…so that tells you something,” and admitted that he’d recommend it over the ParaGard (which contains no hormones, but generally causes heavier, longer periods and cramps).

The doctor at my clinic loves the IUD, too, and inserts them immediately following an abortion for many of our clients. Many of our clients soon have them removed, though, because there is “nuisance” bleeding for a few months with the Mirena (which has a small level of progesterone) and then no period at all. (Some of us like to have our period to feel more certain we’re not pregnant, even though you can have bleeding and still be pregnant.) Personally, I’m still a bit on the fence about it and since it does cost so much money, I find it hard to just “play” with the method and see if it will work for me, only discover it doesn’t, after forking out over $500.

What do you guys think?

P.S. If you want the recipe for the IUD cookies (they are super cool!), then check out this blog here.

Abortion Girl: To the Rescue!!

To delete or not to delete: that is the question. Ever wondered if you should delete someone as your friend on Facebook? Maybe because their political stance is so opposite to yours, you could wave to each other from the different poles (but wouldn’t want to)? Maybe because they’re totally anti?

Right, so there’s this girl who I accepted a friend request from on Facebook. We must’ve gone to high school together, but I honestly don’t remember her (which I feel guilty about). Recently, she posted one of those “repost if you feel the same way” stupid things, but it was all “Dear Mommy, don’t have an abortion.” Immediately, I wondered if I should delete her. By not deleting her, am I being a hypocrite? Not a real Abortioneer? Obviously, I could’ve stood up to her – and for all women who have abortions because surely, some of her other FB friends have had abortions (like me!) – and make a comment on it. I didn’t. Bad, bad Abortioneer, About a Girl. I felt guilty about that, too.

Since then, she’s posted things like, “I will not be forced to learn a foreign language to accommodate illegals in my country.” Yuck, right? Not cool. Clearly, she has dehumanized two groups of people – those who are undocumented in our country and women seeking abortions – and still, I haven’t said a word. Why?

Well, do you ever just wish you didn’t have to stand up for abortion all the time? I get sick of it. I get tired of putting my neck out there just to get it chopped off. By being an Abortioneer, did we also agree to wear the “I protect the freedom of choice” badge on our arm 24/7 for all to see? Are we all really meant to be fucking superheroes all the time? The “Defenders of Choice” On Their Way to Save the Day!!!!” (Maybe sporting a hot pink cape with a great big huge A on it. Abortion Girl to the rescue!!!) I’m tired of being Abortion Girl and I am tired of having to stand up all the time. (And don’t get me started on how pissed off it makes me that we even have to!) I’d like Facebook to be a place where we can all just get along and I can say hi to all my little friends and stalk pictures of their super cute kids. No harm in that right?

Well, I’ve now just posted a response to her anti statement. We’ll see if she replies. That will dictate if I delete her or not. She might even beat me to it. I guess, though, it kinda is our job to be the Abortion Girl.

Abortion - Mixed Feelings: We Aren't All Nicely Wrapped Packages

We know that women have abortions for many reasons. And we know some women feel a myriad of emotions about having abortions. Sometimes, they don’t; but I’m going to talk about complexity today. Sometimes the “abortion feelings” are wrapped so tightly, are so entwined with the “everything that’s going on in my life” feelings, that they aren’t separate at all. Yet, they kind of are. It’s like the ying and yang. It’s usually the “everything that’s going on in my life” that turns a woman toward abortion. Life/Abortion. One not quite existing without the other. If things were different…different decisions might be made. (Always the conundrum of life, really.)

I’m not telling you anything new; but sometimes, abortioneers like to make the abortion decision - and the feelings about the decision – nicely wrapped into a fine package of “I’m going to be okay. Everything’s fine. I am woman. Hear me roar.” But it isn’t always so simple. It’s not always wrapped up so nice and sweet, delivered into the palms of clinic workers with a smile on the face and a “here you go. You don’t have to worry about me! I’m your text book feminist having an abortion.” Sometimes, the decision is dead easy…but attached to a heavy heart. Sometimes, it’s sad. Sometimes, it’s terrifying and feels wrong. Wrong, because your life wasn’t supposed to be like this. You weren’t supposed to be one of those girls. You didn’t grow up saying, “One, day, I want to have an abortion.” But life can take twisty turns down dusty roads. Shit happens. He happened. It happened: whatever “it” is. The “it” is not the same for everyone. And trust me, we get it.

Sometimes, just sometimes, the experience – or multitude of experiences – that brought her to stand in front of us, asking for an abortion, can’t even be dealt with at the time. Just getting the abortion completed (money in hand, ride at her side, pads in the car, kids taken care of) might be all that can be handled with right then and there. Don’t fuck with her about her relationship or question if she’s sure she doesn’t want to try a new birth control method (because, this one failed. Right?). If she sighs deep, looks like she hasn’t slept, seems distant: just fucking hold her hand. Show her kindness. Let her breathe. Let her deal with the other shit when she can.

We (women/people) can’t always handle life all at once. We can’t always be expected to be strong. We can’t always be expected to carry the heavy, heavy weight bearing on us. So we take out strips of our life from our pockets and face what we can. Piece by piece if we have to. Year by year, if needed. Maybe he hurt you in ways you never told anyone. And though I don’t think women have to heal from an abortion, it might sometimes seem like it, because we may have to heal from all the hurt that surrounded “it” happening to us. And it’s not that it’s confusing: we shouldn’t have to separate, really, the possible pain/sadness/hurt/regret (that things weren’t different) about the abortion from what our life was like at the time of the abortion. To let go, to grieve what you’ve lost in your life – that “what could’ve been” – is okay. It’s equally okay to have mixed feelings about an abortion during a mixed up part of life and still feel solid and certain that abortion is the best decision, while feeling so…unraveled.

We’re women. We’re complicated. And we don’t fit in neat little boxes, wrapped up nicely, with smiles on our faces. All of the time.