"Stop the hate"

PETA activists throw paint. Anti-choice protesters throw weird little plastic fetuses. Gay-rights advocates throw...glitter bombs.

I really tried to resist the urge to add my commentary that if Newt is all about "liv[ing] in a free country," it's interesting that he's not in favor of the freedom to love and marry nor the freedom of choice. But ANYWAY.

One of my mentors told me about this video last night as we also talked about fear. Antis fear strong women and autonomy and a complex right to choice and reproductive justice that they don't fully understand. Abortioneers don't fear antis as much as we fear the loss of our rights and our beliefs and options.

I don't think that much about bombs when I go to work, but recently, I made a dark joke to a loved one and she responded, "Oh my God, I never considered that danger for you. Be careful!" It's simultaneously encouraging and horrifying that I can joke about something like that, and it's sobering to be reminded that it's a reality.

Last night, my mentor mused, "You should just throw a glitter bomb at the protesters," and I like her style. Shouldn't we all subvert what bombs are and how fear is expressed, keep it light as we deal with the heavy, and "feel the rainbow"?

"With all that you have to deal with..."

"Can I ask you a question? With all that you have to deal with, why do you still do this?"

"Because I remember when it was illegal for women to make this decision. I don't want to see those days come again. And also when a woman comes to me and says that she doesn't know what she would've done without my help...I know I'm doing the right job."

Sounds totally cheesy, right? Like, 100% fresh-squeezed saintly shit, not from concentrate.  (Ack, I'm already mixing my metaphors.) No one ever says stuff like that outside of movies. Probably anyone watching "If These Walls Could Talk" at this point rolled their eyes at the pro-abortioneer bias of the movie, because doctors don't talk like that.

And the part right before that, where Dr. Cher finally gets through the crowd of protesters and into her office, and takes off her coat and then her bulletproof vest: another eyeroll. Who actually uses those? Get over yourselves, filmmakers -- amirite?


"There are all sorts of dangers [for] postal workers, firemen, police officers -- everything has a risk to it. I would prefer, personally, to have a challenging, stimulating and emotionally and spiritually rewarding career that is short rather than having a long one that is filled with ho-hum, mundane mediocrity -- feeling as if you don't make any difference to people."

Dr. Tiller said that. I often have these moments of sharply realizing, all over again, how much we lost when the antis murdered him last year. Many of my friends say that brilliant blue-sky days always remind them of hearing the news that day; isn't that shitty? And I feel that way about Memorial Day weekend in general: from now on it's a time to remember one veteran in particular.

After Barnett Slepian ― an abortion provider in suburban Buffalo, New York ― was murdered in 1998, police brought the Carharts bulletproof vests. They wore them until, as Carhart drily noted, "we realized that the antis usually shoot providers in the head."

And then they killed Dr. Tiller, who wore a vest to work but was shot in the face at church. So his friend Leroy Carhart was right. But that doesn't mean Dr. Carhart has stopped providing abortions. Even if sometimes he carpools to work with U.S. Marshals.

Dr. Hern hasn't stopped either, but his blinds are always drawn and he never sits with his back to a window in a public place and every morning he checks the clinic roof for snipers. And at my clinic the (far less famous) doctors call ahead to let us know they'll be standing outside the back door in two minutes, the nurses are circumspect when registering their home addresses with the state, we get rides to work in others' cars during high protest times.

A lot of older doctors and nurses started learning to provide abortions when they were either mostly or entirely illegal. I think they got murdered less then, because antis tend to get violent when they start losing their legal domination. But they sure had to deal with the police. Why would those providers have risked prison, and today's providers risk death, to offer a relatively low-paying service that universally lacked in prestige among their colleagues?

Almost to a one, the providers who talk about it cite reasons like this:

and this: 

Gerri Santoro, dead in a hotel room at 29, leaving behind two daughters; she never made it to the emergency room, but doctors saw countless others like her, particularly in septic wards.


We talk and write a lot about how it isn't right or normal or reasonable or legitimate that we work behind bulletproof glass and incorporate security routines into our daily life in order to do something that is both legal and very much needed by a great number of people. It isn't normal. Take a minute to think about how not-normal it is! A lot of people seem to assume it naturally comes with the territory -- "occupational hazard," as one editorialist wrote about Dr. Tiller's death, right before comparing him to a mafioso -- and then on the other hand, others somehow seem so surprised to hear that it does.

Last night I told someone that I'd probably have assumed the Dr. Cher character was an absurd caricature of an impossible saint, if only I didn't know people who actually talk just like her and indeed wear bulletproof vests to work. And at the vest thing he said "Wait, really?" People say that a lot!

But they don't then say "that's ridiculous." They often say (always in the same voice), "Oh, wow..." and trail off meaningfully (I guess). And I don't need that. Like, thank you acquaintances, but: making it socially unacceptable for my life to be in danger would be SO much more helpful than voicing your admiration for my doing something that "must be so hard" as you put it. It isn't hard! It just is what I need to do. And it's wonderful, actually. I can be profoundly useful to others, learn a lot about medicine, learn a lot about people's hearts, spend time with great colleagues who share my values and, similarly, are just doing what they need to do.

As Sparky wrote yesterday, some providers are surly, some are sexist, some are looking out for the bottom line. But by and large, those are the people who probably find this work the hardest. To most of us -- whether doctors or counselors or administrators or whatever -- it's worth it, because and because and because. But that doesn't mean we wouldn't appreciate going to work free of firebombs and shotguns. Thanks for taking note.

Remembrance

I’m grateful for vulva flower’s post yesterday, on Memorial Day, reminding us to remember the man who served so many women, yet lost his life simply because he trusted women to make the best choices for themselves. In the past several days, many different sites have dedicated blogs to Dr. Tiller. He cannot be forgotten, will not be forgotten, and his legacy lives on.

No one can fill Dr. Tiller’s shoes; yet aren’t we all fortunate that many providers have stepped-up to fill some of the gap that was left behind? Dr. Carhart is amazing. He is now constantly under the microscope and also endures dangerous threats from antis. Dr. Hern continues to work tirelessly. So do many other compassionate physicians who care deeply for women and their struggles. They are heroes. They carry on despite the fright that domestic terrorists throw upon them. Sometimes, I wish clients knew just how much these physicians put on the line for them; just like Placenta Sandwich mentioned in this post, it seems so many people just don’t get how much danger providers are in.

Yet despite danger, they continue doing this work. They continue to be brave in all things. Their heads held high, tall. Dignity and integrity fully in check. For many, when they choose do provide abortions, they also put their families at risk. I keep thinking about Dr. Tiller’s family. His wife, Jeanne. His children. His grandchildren. His dear, close friends both in and outside the abortion world. Oh, how they, too, must be missing him. I hope they know all the abortioneers out there are grateful to Dr. Tiller and to his family. It probably wouldn’t be surprising if at some point, his loved ones asked him to stop providing abortions. I don’t know if they ever did or not; I can only speak from personal experience (where I haven’t even come minutely close to the types of anti activity he and others faced, and my family wanted me to quit). If loved ones had requested this of him, it must’ve been difficult to explain to them why he wouldn’t stop helping women. It must’ve been hard for his loved ones. I hope they, too, know, we think of them.

We also think of all those who were murdered in the 1990s. Dr. Slepian. Dr. Gunn. Officer Sanderson. Brookline. Dr. Britton. So, to all of you. We remember you. We thank you. We thank your families. Ani DiFranco sings it best.

Surely I don't need to be writing this post at all. Right?

"It's time to stop treating us as two equal sides in a reasonable debate. Let's get it clear -- they are the perpetrators and we are the victims. Any discussion of how to de-escalate the situation should take place within the anti- abortion community. "We do not have anything to bring to the table," said Convisser. "We are not willing to say it's O.K. to shoot every sixth doctor or woman."

Recently I attended a conference all about abortion. It was pretty awesome. I met providers of abortion care, advocates for abortion access, researchers of abortion medical protocols -- and even some fellow abortion bloggers!

Speakers included lawyers who prepare court cases defending the right to abortion from encroachment by state legislators; counselors whose experience assisting abortion patients stretches back to before Roe v. Wade; and the women of the Chicago Abortion Fund representing their efforts at grassroots advocacy for patients by patients, which was incredibly cool.

You know who else was there? Security guards, lots of them, and police officers with explosives-sniffing dogs. Not because they were called in to investigate something, just, you know, every day of the conference as a routine precaution. There was a panel staffed by First-Amendment lawyers, criminal prosecutors, and law enforcement experts. It was all about how to respond to violence and harassment against abortion clinic staff and patients, and what threats are and aren't actionable. You could tell some of the abortioneers in attendance were relieved by the rare chance to talk about what they were enduring and to be around others who understood.

Curious what sorts of activities have been documented? Or what threats aren't actionable (or whether it depends on a particular judge's mood on a particular day)? You might be surprised. You'd definitely be disgusted. No matter what your political stripe, I'm pretty sure you think of yourself as a decent person who wouldn't stalk people, threaten harm to their families, kill their pets and destroy their homes and workplaces in order to get what you wanted. You might even go so far as to say, "Hey, that sounds like, um...terrorism?"

Or would you?

Does your movement accept someone who firebombs women's clinics? How about someone who bursts into them with a shotgun and murders whoever he sees first? Someone who conceals explosives underneath an overturned flower pot, maiming a nurse and killing the security guard who stops to straighten it?
Someone who burns down a doctor's house and barn, killing horses and a dog and a cat? Someone who shoots a hero in the fucking face in his fucking church?

How about the people who visit clinic builders' neighbors with photoshopped fetus posters or greet nurses by name at the door of their own homes? The people who park outside my friend's apartment building night after night, or the ones who followed my patient as she drove home from her appointment? The ones who line the sidewalks outside of clinics and jeer, insult, shove, and elbow pregnant women and their partners and their mothers and the people helping them get inside the clinic? Who say creepy but just-vague-enough shit to clinic counselors as they walk in to work, on the phone at work, in the mail at work?

Not the same, you say? They're only expressing their concern and compassion for the innocent? Protected free speech? I wonder what you'll say when yet another one of those "sidewalk counselors" is added to the list of those arrested for harming born, life-living women and men.

I hate that I have to choose between talking about this so that everyone will know, or reassuring my parents and siblings and partner and best friend that I'm fine, my clinic is fine, we have police-caliber security staff and bulletproof glass and a relatively quiet neighborhood populated with relatively friendly businesses. But those ARE the options, because quitting this work is not an option.

I'm fine, my clinic is fine. I just need to: take a different route to work each day, live in a walk-up, never be a homeowner, not shop online, marry a police officer, not have kids or pets, never be famous, not write about my school or my neighborhood or anything about my family, not tell people I meet about this wonderful blog for fear they might connect the dots. You want to talk about common ground? I'm doing lots to meet you there. What are you doing to prevent my murder?

Media Friday!

As you may or may not be aware, there is going to be a huge protest at Dr. Carhart's clinic this weekend. This is the first full scale gathering of this nature since Dr. Tiller's assassination, so obviously, we are all a bit nervous how this is going to go down. Anti-choicers are claiming they'll be "peaceful," but you know, I guess that depends on what peaceful means to you. Personally, I think screaming, shouting, harrassing, and threatening is the antithesis of peaceful, but hey, maybe that's just me. *Insert bitter glare toward the religious right*

Rachel Maddow recently interviewed Dr. Carhart on this matter.

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

To Dr. Carhart and his staff - you are all in our thoughts and prayers. To the wonderful counter-protestors showing up to support Dr. Carhart, please be careful!

Abortion Bans: No Good, Just Bad and Ugly

The last post I wrote reminded me of another issue in area of international reproductive health. Safety of abortion procedures. It is clear that when abortion is made illegal, or at least severely restricted, abortion procedures become more unsafe. We know this was true in the US during the pre-Roe days, and it can be seen now in other countries. I found some interesting statistics on the Guttmacher website. *Taken directly from the website.*

Worldwide, 48% of all induced abortions are unsafe. However, in developed regions, nearly all abortions (92%) are safe, whereas in developing countries, more than half (55%) are unsafe.[1]

More than 95% of abortions in Africa and Latin America are performed under unsafe circumstances, as are about 60% of abortions in Asia (excluding Eastern Asia).[1]

(“Facts on Induced Abortion Worldwide.” Guttmacher Institute. October 2008. Web. 08 July 2009. < http://www.guttmacher.org/pubs/fb_IAW.html>.)

I remember reading an article about the danger of ectopic pregnancies in South America – that I now cannot find. I did find this one, which is similar, http://www.boston.com/news/world/latinamerica/articles/2006/11/26/nicaragua_abortion_ban_called_a_threat_to_lives/. Here is the third paragraph from this article.

In El Salvador, women who develop ectopic pregnancies -- when a fertilized egg gets stuck in a fallopian tube, giving it no chance of survival -- are kept under guard in a hospital. A prosecutor must certify that the embryo has died or the woman's tube has ruptured before doctors can intervene.

The article I wished I could put on here also stated that many doctors in these countries ,where abortion is banned and doctors are prosecuted, are so afraid of going to jail that some won’t end an ectopic pregnancy. How insane is that? Not only do women have to carry unwanted pregnancies, but some of them are forced to die from a pregnancy growing outside of the uterus – one that CANNOT be carried to term. SHE WILL DIE. Do they care? No. The religious talks an awful lot about the life of the fetus but doesn’t seem to care much about the life of the woman.

Now let’s look at the safety of abortions performed in the US. *taken directly from the Guttmacher Institute website*

The risk of abortion complications is minimal: Fewer than 0.3% of abortion patients experience a complication that requires hospitalization.[12]

Abortions performed in the first trimester pose virtually no long-term risk of such problems as infertility, ectopic pregnancy, spontaneous abortion (miscarriage) or birth defect, and little or no risk of preterm or low-birth-weight deliveries.[13]

(“Facts on Induced Abortion in the United States.” Guttmacher Institute. July 2008. Web. 08 July 2009. < http://www.guttmacher.org/pubs/fb_induced_abortion.html>.)

Wouldn’t it be nice if we lived in a world where all women could access safe abortion care? Let’s all see what we can do to make this a reality.

Controlling Our Destiny

Women need to be able to control our destiny. When we cannot control our own reproductive abilities we lose the ability to control our lives. Our dreams are turned into someone else’s vision. Is it even worth living if you cannot control your destiny?

Most women in the world accept that bearing children is a part, or maybe the end, of their destiny. This is not optional, they will get pregnant and have babies. For lots of women they will get married. They will spend their life caring for others. Maybe they will have the ability to pursue work outside of the home or education. Maybe they will not have a choice about working nonstop because they have to feed their children. Most women accept that they will not control their destiny, it will happen to them and they will cope with in the best way they know how.

Suicide has been on my mind. At least 3 of my patients recently threatened to or eluded to taking their own life because of their inability to control their own destiny. Many of them make it clear the thought has crossed her mind in one way or another. I can give them a number to a suicide hotline but I’m not equipped emotionally or professionally to counsel them through these kind of thoughts. Many times a woman has suggested or even insisted she will just do the abortion herself, most often because of money. My response is, “ma’am, that is very dangerous and you would be risking your life." Oftentimes a woman’s response might be something like “well, that sounds like the next best option, there is no point in living any more.”

One person could not get enough money for her first trimester procedure and she spoke to me while at work with factory machines banging in the background. She continuously called and when it became real that there just wasn’t anything more I could do for her financially, she yelled “I guess I’ll just jump off a bridge” and hung up the phone on me. I tried to reach her but never could. She didn’t jump off a bridge but maybe another child at this point feels like death.

Safe abortion is a choice, but beyond that it is a necessity. Women must be able to control our destinies. When women do not have the ability to seek safe abortions, they will often find a way to do it anyway. They will risk their lives to control their destiny. At the very least their bodies and souls will be scarred, and at the worst their children will be left motherless.