why can't all women just conform?

Sometimes I wonder if anti-abortion protest is really only about the fetus. That unknown being, that potential life, that is growing inside of a woman's body. There can be so much passion and conviction behind the anti-choice movement. There can also be a tremendous amount of hate, violence, and fear mongering. Is it all for the fetus? If the anti-choice movement fought as hard for infant and child rights as they do for fetal rights, I would have to say yes. But, unfortunately, that is not the case.

The anti-choice movement will go to great lengths to make sure that unwanted fetus/child is born. Who cares what the mother wants to do or what is in her best interest-that fetus MUST be born. But then what happens after that child is brought into this world? To put it bluntly, the anti-choice movement doesn't really give two shits. If they did, they would fight equally as hard for healthcare for all children, outstanding education for all children, safety for all children, and general quality of life for all children. They would fight for increasing access to prenatal care and decreasing maternal mortality. But they don't. Their battle has already been won.

So this begs the question-why the passion to bring this infant into the world when they honestly don't care what happens after the pregnancy is over?

In my opinion, it is about control. Control over women's bodies, control over their sexuality, and punishment for their inability to conform to what women should do-give birth. If history tells us anything, women have always been punished for their inability to conform. For example, women who refused to conform to religious doctrine were stoned, burned at the stake, and drowned. Hundreds of thousands of women were murdered for being accused of sorcery and witch craft. Or in plainer terms, their inability to conform.

It is no surprise that those who protest abortion the most are intensely religious--following scripture that has traditionally viewed women as second class citizens with rights equal to a donkey's. They believe that women who are impregnated must continue that pregnancy, regardless of how they feel, what they want, and if the pregnancy is safe for their bodies. It is what they are created to do, what they are supposed to do, and anything against that is a sin. Laws are created to force women to conform or perhaps scare them into conforming. It is interesting to also address that the majority of anti-choicers are men--traditionally those that lead the procession of conforming women into activities that are against their choice. And those women who don't believe in a women's right to choose? They are the conformed, believing women should do as they are told and what there bodies were made to do.

I am thankful, however, that we have grown as a society and species to allow women to make their own choices...and this time, we won't be murdered for it (although clearly, that is not true of our providers). I am thankful for the men and women who may have their own beliefs with regard to abortion, but have chosen not to push, or attempt to conform, others. I am thankful for those that are religious, but view abortion as a divine right or a private decision. I am thankful for my fellow abortioneers who will continue to fight for the rights of all women.

We still have a ways to go before we can truly live our lives without fear of forced conformity by those who think a woman's body is theirs to own and dictate. However, if the anti-choice movement believes women will fall in line and conform to their beliefs and structure, they are very much mistaken.

Bundle of Joy

A woman at my job is pregnant, and boy, is she lovin' it.

She brought in fancy chocolates to break the news a few months ago, passed up a luxurious business trip to protect the little one, and decided to take an extra two months of maternity leave. You can tell by her glow, her smile, the way she bounds through the hallways grasping her precious cargo how insanely happy she is. It's a perfect set-up: healthy middle-aged woman, married, great job and two (two!) doctoral degrees. Slap a baby on top and you've got one hell of a parfait. And what a tender mom she'll be! Charged with office plant maintenance while some colleagues were away on business, I watched her clutch a vase of bamboo to her chest, walking steadily so as not to spill a drop of water and deprive the poor plant. Motherhood certainly agrees with her.

So then I thought: why aren't all pregnant ladies so pleasant to be around? Isn't pregnancy a miracle, a gift?

Behold: The Pregnancy Merriment Flowchart! *



* Not to be used for diagnostic purposes.

Abortion is a Blessing

Unfortunately, it's uncommon to hear religious leaders in the US speak frankly about abortion from a supportive standpoint; however, Reverend Katherine Ragsdale, an Episcopalian priest of 17 years and now the President and Dean of the Episcopal Divinity School, has done so for years. She has sat on the board of NARAL, The Religious Coalition for Reproductive Choice, and The White House Project. Though I am personally non-religious, I am grateful for her wisdom and her support, especially after Dr. Tiller's murder.

I, too, believe abortion is a blessing for those who choose to have one. My abortion several years ago was a blessing. I don't know what I would've done, or who I would be, if I had continued that pregnancy. I may very well still be in a terrible relationship overrun by emotional and verbal abuse, quickly heading towards physical abuse. I would never had met my husband or had my beautiful child, who was planned, wanted, and is very much a blessing. So, I just want to thank Rev. Katherine Ragsdale and other religious leaders who support and understand a woman's private decision to have an abortion. Below is an excerpt from a powerful sermon.

Sermon by Rev. Katherine Ragsdale,President and Dean of Episcopal Divinity School

Let's be very clear about this: when a woman finds herself pregnant due to violence and chooses an abortion, it is the violence that is the tragedy; the abortion is a blessing.

When a woman finds that the fetus she is carrying has anomalies incompatible with life, that it will not live and that she requires an abortion — often a late-term abortion — to protect her life, her health, or her fertility, it is the shattering of her hopes and dreams for that pregnancy that is the tragedy; the abortion is a blessing.

When a woman wants a child but can't afford one because she hasn't the education necessary for a sustainable job, or access to health care, or day care, or adequate food, it is the abysmal priorities of our nation, the lack of social supports, the absence of justice that are the tragedies; the abortion is a blessing.

And when a woman becomes pregnant within a loving, supportive, respectful relationship; has every option open to her; decides she does not wish to bear a child; and has access to a safe, affordable abortion — there is not a tragedy in sight — only blessing. The ability to enjoy God's good gift of sexuality without compromising one's education, life's work, or ability to put to use God's gifts and call is simply blessing.

These are the two things I want you, please, to remember — abortion is a blessing and our work is not done. Let me hear you say it: abortion is a blessing and our work is not done. Abortion is a blessing and our work is not done. Abortion is a blessing and our work is not done.

Your mom should share her story

Conundrum –

I work at a human rights non-profit, a clinic, a local fund. I am going to school to become a family doctor. I escort women into the clinic. I am a community sex educator. My title willfully includes the word abortion. I talk about abortions at family holidays, happy hours, the work place, in church, in bed. I use condoms. I don’t use condoms. I take hormonal birth control at the restaurant table if I am in a restaurant when it is time to take my birth control. I note my cycle milestones on my calendar in my kitchen where anyone who visits me can see. I love sex and it feels so good because I’m soft, curvaceous, tender and connective, hormonally-charged and passionate.

If I became pregnant tomorrow morning, I am 90 percent certain I’d have an abortion, and I’d only tell one soul within my entire tightly-knit abortion-embracing community: my dearest local friend, my likely driver.

Why so secretive, so shameful, so cold?

None of the above.

I’d be overwhelmed and wouldn’t feel like sharing.

There is a common movement of pro-choice activists who believe that women who have abortions must share their stories. I have seen many women positively compelled and inspired, joyous and grateful, open and daring, cohesive and resolved in their exploration and declaration of their fertility experience in this lifetime to their friends and family, allies and supporters, even opposition.

I have also met a married woman who wanted to conceive a child with her husband but was also raped by her biological father the first time she met him. Genetic testing in her second-trimester proved her nightmare so she and her otherwise anti-choice husband had a dreadful experience but a meaningful abortion.

She shouldn’t have to share her story to realize her dreams.

Furthermore, there is a deeply viral and deadly movement of anti-abortion hate zealots that delight and engage in threatening the lives of anyone who says boo about abortion that does not first declare their firm belief that conception is god’s work and eggs are fetuses are babies are exultant over the life of any sinful and used woman. Her only purpose—to serve Man his babies on a golden, sugar-crusted plate.

Ho hum. Share your story at your own risk.

The thing that will make this all less complicated?

Less liars and bullies and abusers. Less sexist, chauvinist pigs or anyone who appeases sexist, chauvinist pigs in any single way.

Most to the point: less Antis.

Plan C?

One of my friends saw someone wearing this shirt recently. He thought it was pretty funny, I mainly found it disturbing. We got into an argument over if the shirt was good or bad. He was on the "good" side -- he thought that the shirt's underlying message is See? This is what happens if you don't have Plan B. And, while the shirt is pretty offensive, it is still making people think about abortions, bringing up a topic that most people don't talk about. The thought of a woman using a hanger to self induce an abortion is a horrifying thought to most, thus making abortion at a clinic seem safe/nice. Right?

...or not? Because the shirt is also supposed to be funny. Women being reduced to self inducing abortion isn't exactly hilarious, and many women die from botched back alley abortions of the coat hanger variety every year, which is really sad and heart breaking.

I also found a bunch of different abortion t-shirts on the internet:

What do you guys think? Is the Plan C shirt good or bad? What about abortion shirts generally? What makes an abortion shirt okay? The "I had an abortion shirt" has been divisive amongst many people, even pro-choicers because some people see it as being flippant. I think it's kind of cool to be able to be that open about it though? What say you?

There Will Always be More Dr. Carharts

I'm not an optimistic person.  I'm good at pretending to be, but that doesn't mean I believe myself.  After Dr. Tiller's death, I assured everyone I knew, as loudly as I could, that there will always be abortion and there will always be providers and there will always be access, and I would make sure of it.  But 10:30 Tuesday night found me on the phone sobbing to my mom about how Dr. Tiller's death and the closure of his clinic signified the end of an era and the end of access.  

And yet, I faced Wednesday morning like normal, with a smile on my face and a ribbon in honor of St. George on my lapel, because it would do no good for me to stop.  I can't even conceive of leaving abortion work behind--whether it's legal or not.  And today's announcement that Dr. Carhart will continue to provide third-trimester abortions in Kansas showed me that I'm not the only one.  For every outspoken abortion advocate I know, there are ten more silent ones.  It might be a young guy who stays quiet at his conservative workplace, but anonymously Twitters about injustices surrounding abortion access in his off hours.  It could be a mother who never talked openly about her abortions, but who lived every day since then giving thanks for her experiences in 1971 (yes, 1971) and making periodic donations to clinics.  And I work directly with doctors who are just as passionate and hardworking and brave as Dr. Tiller and Dr. Carhart are, but who are less apt to be in the spotlight.  I have the privilege of knowing that they're available and they're on our side, even though no one would ever identify them at the grocery store.  And as much as it pains me to see an anti-choice woman have an abortion, come to terms with it, and leave the clinic STILL not admitting that she's pro-choice, that tiny shift in her consciousness is a tiny bit of hope that the world of the Abortioneers will go on.  

Trickery

The Pill Kills

This campaign is going around the country holding anti-contraception rallies, decrying the horrors of the birth control pill (BCP). Not only does the BCP kill real live babies, but it also kills grown women who take them. Apparently we've lost millions of women to the pill right out from under our noses, thanks to their fatal side effects. Not sure what these are, exactly, but lots of heart and blood stuff, the meanings of which are unclear to me; they just sound like really bad things that BCPs could do. Additionally, the BCP causes "spiritual" and "relationship" side effects, opening the door to marital infidelity and tempting youth into acts of illicit and possibly illegal sex. And you haven't even heard the worst side effect of BCPs: intolerance to contact lenses.


WHY GOD, WHY?!

As an aspiring researcher, allow me to dispel the dangers of the abuse of scientific research as in the TPK campaign:


1. The three-page list of physical side effects came from three sources only: footnotes 4, 7, and 8. In fact, this entire campaign is informed by 13 resources, only THREE of which were featured in peer-reviewed journals and FOUR of which were published in religious or anti-abortion media. Also, it seems that nobody informed the brains behind the TPK campaign that newspaper articles do not count as scientific literature.


2. Major source 4 is, of course, a biased source (Eternal Life publications), rendering its findings less-than-credible. All peer-reviewed (read: worth its salt) literature must declare conflicts of interest as a prerequisite for being read by a panel of unbiased experts prior to publication. Considering that this source was not published in a peer-reviewed medium, it's likely crap.


3. Sources 7 and 8 are the drug information inserts from Ortho Tri-Cyclen and Ortho Tri-Cyclen Lo pill packs. That is, these are fully disclosed to users of the BCP, as are the risks associated with the pill when combined with certain other pharmaceuticals and medical conditions. As a user, I am fully aware that if I am predisposed to heart/blood problems (I'm not), then I should not take the pill. I also should not smoke or wear contact lenses.


4. NONE of the "research" cited for this campaign uses a longitudinal or cohort study design, meaning that NONE of these findings can determine causality. To say that BCP "causes" any of these problems simply because they share even the most tenuous relationship is a flagrant abuse of research methods and disrupts the integrity of scientific research. For shame.

No need to continue. Just thought I'd point out that there is no theoretical or scientific bases for many of the claims presented in the campaign, much as with anti-abortion campaigns. One that really gets my goat: post-abortion stress syndrome. Anti-abortion activists claim that abortion causes a host of mental health problems, including depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts. See, they interviewed a bunch of women, asked if they had abortions, and then asked if they had any of those problems. And lo, women who had had abortions in the past also tended to have mental health conditions. Jiminy Crickets!


Consider, you non-scientific nutjobs:

1. Directionality! Flip the script, would you; maybe women who suffer from mental conditions are more likely to have abortions. I can think of a few reasons (just a few) why person with a mental illnesses wouldn't want a baby.


2. Social desirability bias! A TREMENDOUS impediment to cross-sectional research, social desirability bias influences respondents to give the answers that they believe researchers and the public would be most happy with. Have I had an abortion before? No way! Do I have a mental illness? You wish!


3. Respondent bias! Maybe women who are more comfortable talking about their issues with mental health are also more comfortable talking about their abortions. Maybe you just happened to get a bunch of these for your sample by some twist of fate. There is no telling how screwed up cross-sectional data can get when you deal with multiple taboo issues at once.


Yikes. Someone send these folks to public health school.

Thank You

Sitting at work earlier today, I kept thinking that I would write a “normal” blog post. Get back to writing about a patient story, or a funding story. Tonight I went to a memorial service for Dr. Tiller – I have been to a couple of others this past week. It made me want to say something on the subject.

I never met Dr. Tiller. To me his murder meant more of a general want and a need to continue to work in reproductive health, so that his death would not be in vain. It still does. And even though I was extremely saddened by what happened, and it filled me with a new fire to try to help women in whatever capacity I can, it wasn’t personal. I didn’t feel a personal connection to it until tonight. Tonight I sat at a memorial service listening to a friend of Dr. Tiller’s speak of him not only as a doctor, and a champion for women’s health, but also as a husband, father, grandfather, and friend. Someone who provided abortion services because there were women who needed these services and providing those women with health care was his duty and the right thing to do as a doctor. Because I never knew him I didn’t stop to think of him as that person, stop to think of his family.

I think of the sacrifice he gave and the sacrifice his family gave, so women could have access to safe, supportive abortion care. As I walk past a local abortion clinic daily, I now think of the staff who work there. I think of the sacrifice they are making, that their loved ones are making, so they too can help women. I think about the clinic escorts who volunteer early morning hours – Saturday, before work – to help women and their companions safely get inside to their appointments.

I want to say thank you. Thank you for putting yourselves in harm’s way. Thank you for not thinking of yourselves, but for what you can do for others.

Taking on the Torch

A week after the murder of Dr. Tiller, pro choice doctors, advocates, counselors, and health care providers are still thinking, “now what”?. During the Clinton administration there were numerous acts of violence by “pro-life” fanatics, doctors were killed and clinics were terrorized. Once Bush was in office there was a dramatic decline in “pro-life” violence, whenever the political administration is more conservative “pro-lifers” seem to settle down. With Obama in office will “pro-life” people continue to mobilize fanatics to commit these kinds of acts of terrorism? The pro-choice community must mobilize to demand access to basic health care rights, we must be willing to risk our lives, as long as “pro-life” advocates believe it’s their right to threaten to our lives.

I’m no doctor, but I am an educator, a counselor, a friend, a sister, and a resource. We have to continue to make our rights our reality. It’s not easy to commit to making our most basic rights accessible; in fact it’s much more difficult for many of my sisters. Life and circumstance does not always provide the ability to create one’s own reality. However, some of us can grab that torch and keep going forward. We will not leave our sisters in the dark, but we hold their hands and carry the torch as we all walk forward.

We need doctors who will perform abortions; young people in medical school are not choosing to perform abortions, very possibly because it means choosing to risk your life. Fifty Seven percent of abortion doctors are over the age of fifty, we need young physicians and medical students to step up to the plate and demand to learn abortion care. Some of us will be able to carry on this piece of the story in many capacities. Dr. Tiller was one piece of that story. He understood that abortion was about a women’s heart. We need people who are willing and able to risk their lives to make abortion health care an accessible choice.

At the vigil I went to, for Dr. Tiller, one woman gave her testimony regarding Dr. Tiller’s involvement in her life. She was from Wichita, Kansas and Dr. Tiller helped her birth mom choose to arrange an adoption. This woman believed abortion is a completely acceptable option even for her birth mother. However, she is here in this world because Dr. Tiller supported a woman’s choice, no matter what. Dr. Tiller also made sure the babies who were adopted were given to pro-choice families.

My mother had an abortion about four years before she got pregnant with me. When she got pregnant for the second time she was relatively young, single and unsure of what to do. She met a life long sister who offered to support my mom in any decision she made about her pregnancy. This woman offered to raise me with or without my mom’s involvement. She offered to hold my mother’s hand during an abortion or childbirth. She offered to support her in choosing to become a single parent. This woman held my mother’s torch. My mom had the support to commit to having a child because she had the support to choose any path she needed to take.

This woman is my aunt; she did support my mom in raising me and has always loved me like her own. As women, sisters, daughters, mothers, and friends we have to try and hold each other’s torch whenever possible. I am my sister’s keeper.

We need all people to step up to carry on the work to make reproductive choice a reality. Each of us must step up to make our rights our reality in whatever way possible. Some people will be able to go to medical school and can choose to perform abortions and provide women with information to make their own decisions. Some people will support a sister, a friend, or a stranger in working through a decision making process. Some people will work towards productive policy changes. Whatever torch you carry, this is time to step up, hold someone else’s hand, and walk forward.

In Memoriam, make a difference

This week's fund spotlight is made in awareness of the many, many women and girls who were able to recover their "hopes, dreams, potential, the rest of their lives" with the help of Dr. George Tiller, and the many who will need that same kind of help in the future. The fact that Dr. Tiller is gone from us, while heartbreaking and gutwrenching on so many levels, will not lead us to despair. We will redouble our efforts to serve women's health, and to serve each one of our clients with "kindness, courtesy, justice, love and respect".

Dr. Tiller's clinic often treated women who could not afford the high cost of their complex procedures, often with the help of national and local funds, but also often by waiving a significant portion of the fee. His was a compassionate practice that recognized the injustice -- and the medical trauma -- suffered when vital health care, though legal and available, is not accessible or affordable.

A coworker of mine once helped a young girl and her mother raise enough money to travel some 1,500 miles to get to Women's Health Care Services. By the time they arrived in Wichita, paid for their hotel room, and paid the "second consulting doctor" as required by Kansas law, almost all of their money was gone. I will never forget that a religious pro-choice organization found someone to donate airline miles to get them to Kansas, that the mother waited by the phone all day to find out if her small loan application had been approved, that my coworker waited by the phone all evening to find out if her funding requests would succeed, that national funds and local funds in the girl's area contributed more than they could afford, that some small local funds in entirely different regions agreed to pitch in, or that the clinic ended up waiving the rest of the fee when they still couldn't reach the total needed. The clinic staff, some of whom have worked for Dr. T since before I was even fertile, were instrumental in carrying out the doctor's philosophy of compassionate care by coordinating the financial arrangements for this low-income family.

The National Network of Abortion Funds writes:

In response to requests from Dr. Tiller's clinic staff, emails and phone calls we received from Dr. Tiller's friends and former patients, and a groundswell of support online, the National Network of Abortion Funds created the George Tiller Memorial Abortion Fund late in the evening of Sunday, May 31, 2009.

Within the first 24 hours of the Fund's existence, we received more than $15,000 in donations.

The George Tiller Memorial Abortion Fund will provide assistance to the same women Dr. Tiller served: women seeking abortions in their second-trimesters, women facing extreme obstacles to abortion, and women who often must travel from their homes to obtain the abortion care they need. The Fund will assist with the cost of the procedures as well as the costs of travel and lodging. Notably, this Fund will be available to patients of the late Dr. Tiller's clinic, Women's Health Care Services in Wichita, at such time when the clinic is able to regroup and reopen.

To donate to the Fund in Dr. Tiller's name, please send contributions to:
George Tiller Memorial Abortion Fund
c/o National Network of Abortion Funds
42 Seaverns Ave
Boston, MA 02130

You may also donate online.

Videos to give you goosebumps

Abortion is not about babies, it's not about familes: abortion is about women's hopes, dreams, potential, the rest of their lives.

51 problems and having a baby isn't one of them

“For every woman, each pregnancy is an invited guest into her body and a welcome addition to her family.” (Dr. George Tiller, The Declaration of Reproductive Independence)

Oh, merely a few reasons why a woman may seek an abortion beyond the limits of our commonly pointless fascination with conceptions of viability:

1) Lupus

2) Hypertension

3) Diabetes

4) Esophageal atresia

5) Gastroschisis

6) Hydrops fetalis

7) Placental abruption

8) Congenital heart disease

9) Chromosomal disorder

10) Down syndrome

11) Structural/neural tube defect

12) Spina bifida

13) Anencephaly (a condition in which the brain is incomplete or missing--picture vanilla pudding)

14) Metabolic disorder

15) Severe Rh incompatibility

16) Infection

17) Lung immaturity

18) Conjoined twins

19) Cancer

20) Pharmaceuticals

21) Freak accident or severe injury

22) She was raped by a stranger

23) She was raped on a date

24) She was raped by her boyfriend

25) She was raped by her husband

26) She was raped by her father

27) She was raped by her brother

28) She was raped by her cousin

29) She was raped by her uncle

30) She was raped by her grandpa

31) She was raped by her biological father

32) She was raped by her foster brother

33) She was raped by her priest/pastor/minister/rabbi/life coach

34) She was raped by her boss

35) She was raped by her coach

36) She was raped by her neighbor

37) She was raped by her teacher

38) She was raped by a soldier

38) She was gang raped

40) She’s nine

41) She’s ten

42) She’s eleven

43) She’s twelve

44) She’s thirteen

45) She’s fourteen

46) She’s fifteen

47) She’s sixteen

48) She’s seventeen

49) She’s pregnant with an extraterrestrial being

50) Fetal death

51) Other (also known as: none of your business unless YOU perform third trimester abortions)

artwork: The Fetus as Invader, illustration by Blair Drawson

*note to reality: trust us, fetal anomalies are not that purrrrdy

One of you will be missed...

We would add thousands upon thousands more flowers to Dr. Tiller's grave.

Onward We Will Go

Sitting at my laptop, I don't know what to write. A large part of me wants to write about Dr. Tiller, about the many vigils held across the country yesterday (and in Canada, too). Another part of me doesn't want to write anything, because I just want to go numb and pretend none of this happened. Pretend Dr. Tiller wasn't murdered. Pretend we don't live in a country where just because we are pro-choice, we have to be afraid for our lives. That we have to defend, to fight for our beliefs - often in isolation - and perhaps even die for them. I am angry and sad and sickened and I don't want to feel any of those feelings. I just want to go back to Saturday. Before Dr. Tiller was murdered.

Actually, no. I don't want to go back to Saturday. I want to go back much further than that. To a time where violence and threats and hypocrisy and death and blood and screaming and bombs didn't explode, just because abortions are performed. I don't even want to google 'abortion before violence' or something similar to find the timeline, the year in which it all changed. I think it was Brookline. I don't know. The year it all changed doesn't matter to me; but I know I want to go back before that time.

I keep remembering how it was when my clinic had 24hr US Marshal protection, approved personally by Janet Reno, because we were under such threats. Bomb threat after bomb threat after bomb threat. Ring, ring, ring went the phone. It didn't seem to ever stop. If a woman actually made it through on the phone line to make an appointment, it was anti-climactic. I worry I might've even sounded apathetic towards her, because my entire body was clenched, tightened, ready to fight, and ready - as much as possible - to hear the man call me bitch, whore, murderer, bitchwhoremurdererbabykiller over and over and over. I'd grind my teeth, we'd tap our feet, wring our sweaty hands, get massive headaches, function off adrenaline. Our hearts racing, pounding. Faces scowling. Anger and fear. Assholes!!! What they did to each of us. Some of us quit! FBI interviewing us, tapping phones, recording conversations. Hours of intrusions. US Marshalls giving us anti-terrorist methodology, creating evacuation routes, bullet-proof glass and walls. Video cameras. Suspicion. Those assholes!! Not parking my car at work. Being told to register our plates to a PO Box or the clinic so that we couldn't get traced to our homes. Being followed. Being video taped.

It's all wrong. It's wrong. It's so, so wrong! Why do WE have to go through this shit to protect women's lives? And meanwhile, we get quieter and quieter. Worried we'll make others uncomfortable. Worried we'll ruin friendships, relationships, taint future job prospects, strain families and community bonds. Forget the seemingly benign everyday relationships, like with your bank, your doctor, the place you always buy your coffee, the childcare worker at your son's daycare. They always end up asking you where you work. What the fuck do you say? How the hell do you answer that when you've got US Marshals parked outside your building and you've been told all day long you're going to be in a trillion million little pieces because there's a bomb waiting for you. Who can you trust?

And who can you talk to about all this? Your mother? Your brother? Your partner? "How was your day?" Such an innocent question; but you can't answer. You can't tell them. How the hell do you tell your mother, who is already against abortion and thinks you're wrong, that you've been called bitchwhoremurdererbabykiller all day long and you've been interviewed by the FBI and you can't leave your car at the office and you're learning alternative routes home and you've got the US Marshal's cell phone numbers in your pocket and you're scared shitless and you don't know what to do; but you KNOW you have to get up and go to work tomorrow because the women need you. THEY NEED US! And we can't give up and we can't back down and we can't shut our doors and we cannot let them win!

And Dr. Tiller dies. Murdered. And yet we're peaceful. And show love. And don't want to hurt others. We just want to do our jobs. We just want to save women's lives. We just want to be there for them and show compassion. And to TRUST them to make decisions for themselves. Trust that they know what's best for them. It honestly doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure this out.

And I can't let this go. I can't let this work go. I've tried. I've tried to stop doing this work. But I cannot. I cannot. It is in every fiber of my being. It hits me to my core. It's part of who I am. And, so I walk to a candlelight vigil, searching for a familiar face. No one. But it's quiet and beautiful and sad. I hear a man singing. His guitar gently strumming, aching. The song? 'How to Save a Life.' I cry. And a non-familiar face smiles, tears in her eyes, and helps me light a candle. I'm not alone. We're not alone. We must go on. We must go on.

"For two women shot to death in Brookline, Massachusetts" by Marge Piercy 1995

How dare a woman choose?
Choose to be pregnant,
choose to be childless,
choose to be lesbian,
choose to have two lovers or none,
choose to abort
choose to live alone
choose to walk alone
at night,
choose to come and to go
without permission
without leave
without a man.

Consider a woman's blood
spilled on a desk,
pooled on an office floor,
an ordinary morning at work,
an ordinary morning of helping
other women choose
to be or not to be
pregnant
means she has fallen
into death.

A woman young and smiling
sitting at a desk
trying to put other women at ease
now bleeds from five
large wounds, bleeding
from her organs
bleeding out her life.

A young man is angry at women
women who say no
women who say maybe and mean no
women who won't
women who do and they shouldn't
If they are pregnant they are bad
because that proves
they did it with someone
they did it
and should die.
A man gets angry with a woman
who decides to leave him
who decides to walk off
who decides to walk
who decides

Women are not real to such men
they should behave as meat
such men drag them into the woods
and stab them
climb in their windows and rape them
such men shoot them in kitchens
such men strangle them in bed
such men lie in wait
and ambush them in parking lots

such men walk into a clinic
and kill the first women they see.

In harm's way:
meaning in the way of a man
who is tasting his anger
like rare steak.
A daily ordinary courage
doing what has to be done
every morning, every afternoon
doing it over and over
because it is needed
put them in harm's way.

Two women dying
because a man chose that they die.
Two women dying
because they did their job
helping other women survive
Two women dead
from the stupidity of an ex altar boy
who saw himself
as a fetus
who pumped his sullen fury
automatically
into the woman in front of him
twice, and intended more.

Stand up now and say No More.
Stand up now and say We
Stand up and say We will not be ruled
by crazies and killers,
by shotguns and bombs and acid.
We will not dwell in the caves of fear.
We will make each other strong.
We will make each other safe.
There is no other monument.

Dr. George Tiller, 1941 - 2009

Dr. Tiller was one of the best abortion providers in the country. The world has lost an amazing doctor. He was a deeply compassionate and caring person who helped women who had nobody else to turn to.

He is a hero and he will be missed every single day.

UPDATE: Megan Evans at RHRealityCheck, in one of those too-true posts, honors Dr. Tiller and also writes:

If you are in the DC area, there will be a vigil to honor the life of Dr.George Tiller from 6:30pm at the White House (LaFayettePark side) on Monday, June 1st. We will honor Dr Tiller and all that he has done providing safe, legal abortion for thousands of women. Bring a candle with you and any words you would like to share.

your regularly-scheduled blogger is on emotional hiatus

Dr. George Tiller shot and killed this morning.

it's times like this when i get really inarticulate and all i can think of to say is FUCK YOU, ASSHOLES.

The documentarian is an abortioneer

Every rare once-in-a-while an abortioneer comes along with the sheer and immaculate ability to fashion a show that is both heart-wrenching and humorous, haunting and inspiring, meaningful and immediate. Angie Young is a hot hero and we are not one bit surprised her film is a 2009 Rosebud Film Festival Nominee, showcased Saturday, June 27, 2009 at the Rosslyn Spectrum Theater in Arlington, VA.

She says what we are trying to say--with background music and mad citations. Take a look. Be intrigued. Find inspiration and commonality and at least one more enlightening perspective in this documentary worth owning, sharing and giving to everyone you ever found sitting on a fence or dreamin' bout the olden days or interested in social trends, humanity, accessible health care, evolution, hope, etc, etc, etc...

Perspective

It's not uncommon for me to counsel women who are on the cusp of the gestational limits for abortions in my state.  That means they can tell me about their "babies'" kicks and their predictions about the "babies'" sex based on his or her behavior thus far.  I put "baby" in quotes because I speak the abortioneers' language of fetuses and craniums rather than babies with heads.  I also have friends with infants, and as I followed their pregnancies, I found myself referring to the 24 week baby and pointing at the tiny, very human fingers in the ultrasound.  Friends of friends even give birth to babies at 25 weeks, and they survive.  In my state, women can also have abortions at 25 weeks.  After counseling women who elect later-term abortions, I once tried to talk myself into being disturbed.  I tried putting myself in their shoes and wondered whether I could talk myself out of having a second trimester abortion.  

I've never had any desire to be pregnant or have kids.  I can recall being 15 years old, as far from sexually active as could be, and mentioning that I knew I would have an abortion if I got pregnant.  I have co-workers who would genuinely struggle with what to do if they got pregnant.  Some of them draw the line (for themselves) at the 13 week (second trimester) mark.  And they are all amazing, hardcore pro-choice women.  But as I considered my own hypothetical 25 week abortion, all I could think of was the desperation I would feel to get my own body back.  Call me selfish or call me self-aware, but the only one who really matters in that case is me, not my fetus.  I couldn't manage to be disturbed a bit because I know the terror and impossibility of an unwanted pregnancy.  

And then, I'm back in the counseling room, talking with a woman who is struggling with her late-term abortion, or even a woman who is struggling with her early abortion.  It's easy for me to talk with the woman who says, "No way can I be pregnant right now.  This was not a hard decision."  But it's another thing for me to stretch my mind to talk with the woman who just isn't sure.  It's not ambivalence, but it's sadness.  I consider myself dangerously empathic, but sometimes the biggest challenge of my job is getting to that place with the patient.  It takes self-training and on-the-job experience to learn that not everyone wants an abortion, but she might need one.  And to some women, it's a baby and it's a fetus.  But in the end, those are the counseling sessions that matter the most and teach me the best, and I can only thank every woman I see for risking opening up to me and opening my mind to the world outside of myself. 

To Our Googlers, Wherever You Are

why it's ok to have an abortion
tell me it's ok to have an abortion
how do you live after an abortion
how do you live with yourself after an abortion
how to live with yourself after an abortion
happy with abortion choice
happy abortion

These are some of the search terms that have led the Google-using public to our humble blog. Whoever you are, I will tell you: it's ok to have an abortion. I also want to tell you that you're not alone. In the US, 35% of women have an abortion by the age of 45 -- that's one in three women. Odds are, you know several women who have sought abortion care. And here are some strategies to, as you put it, live with yourself after an abortion:

• Talk to someone about the abortion, and about how you feel about it. It could be a friend or family member who you know will be emotionally supportive, or it could be a counselor or therapist that you see on a regular basis, or it could be a total stranger at Exhale, an after-abortion counselling hotline.
• Spend time with people who are good for you, even if you choose not to share your abortion experience with them. One of the biggest factors in a woman's wellbeing after an abortion is the acceptance and love of people around her -- not specifically about the abortion, but in general.
• Cope with the problems in your life. The other big factor in a woman's wellbeing after an abortion: her wellbeing before the abortion. If you were in a tough situation before your abortion, try to reach out to people or organizations that can help you. Other than Exhale, the referrals I give most often in my work are the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network's online hotline or a local rape crisis center, Medicaid/Health Department contact info, and the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Additional useful links: suicide help hotlines, coping with job loss, substance abuse help.
• Read about other women's experiences with abortion. There are only a handful of whole blogs out there by women going through an abortion -- perhaps because once it's over, there's naturally less to write about. This one is about the first-trimester medication procedure, this one is about the first-trimester surgical procedure, and this one is about the second-trimester surgical procedure. There's also this blog post, and the great comments, contributed by readers of Feministing, and this one at RHRealityCheck. You can also read other women's stories or share your own at Project Voice, I'm Not Sorry, or Women On Waves's I Had An Abortion. There is also a documentary called "I Had An Abortion" (not related to Women On Waves).
  

And if you are reading this and not worried about how you will live with yourself after an abortion -- what can you do for the women who are, who may have found our blog in a time of crisis, and for all the women who will have abortions soon and forever? Here are a couple of ideas, one for right now and one for every day:

• Donate to Exhale so they can expand their resources for women seeking to share after an abortion. They are trying to do some unprecedented work that would be a real leap forward in the existence of a bit of community for women who want to talk to one another instead of write and read blog posts or call a counselor.
• Combat the stigma against abortion. Another major cause of feeling like shit after an abortion: being told you should feel like shit about your abortion. Watch your words when speaking about reproductive choices -- are you judging harshly or being callous or assuming too much? -- because you never know what impact they might have on a pregnant woman or her partner or parent or friend who happens to be in your company.

And to whoever got here by Googling "fist in uteras" [sic]: WTF?