"Man in the clinic!"

Abortioneering is a fairly female-dominated field, and when I hear the classic "But what about the menz?!" whining about consent from the "father" or when I see a male partner trying to force a woman into or out of an abortion, I'm completely OK with not involving that sex in the Abortioneering process. But in the real world, I do work with a couple of men who are 100% feminists, champions of women, in favor of abortion access on demand, and who give no credence to the idea that men should have any say in what a woman does with her own body. It seems to come naturally to them and I've never heard any complaints from them, but I have to wonder about what elements of the job get to them because they aren't immune. And they're still a part of the world where patriarchy rules and men don't talk about feelings, especially about feelings of working in an abortion clinic where there are vaginas. And that's got to be difficult. I love my Abortioneer brethren like I do my sistren, and I want them to feel supported and appreciated.

So, I'm curious, Abortioneers: Are any of you of the male persuasion? Do you work with a token male or two? What have your experiences been?

Close your eyes and imagine something for me

welcome to your new home

What if you moved to another country and had no family there, and your first language was one that very few people in your new home had even heard of, and you spoke very little of theirs? You might be relieved and happy to find someone who shared your mother tongue and your host country's language, someone who could help you navigate this new place as well as be a friend who understood where you came from.

You might start dating this person, move in with him, end up relying on him in most aspects of your life. He might be a lot older than you, take advantage of your dependence, control your access to food or transportation or a phone, and refuse to use birth control. 

What if you got pregnant? What if you got pregnant and had always looked forward to having children and this person who had final say in your life was not a fan of the idea? And what if you couldn't get your own job or lease or even typical social services -- shelter, healthcare, food for an infant -- because your immigration status wasn't clear? What would you do? 

You might decide that, as much as you'd rather have a child, the only feasible course of action is to seek an abortion, just like he is telling you. You might have to rely on him to translate during the counseling session, and there's really no point trying to say how you really feel, because he already knows it, and he won't translate it to the counselor, and anyway what you'd rather do doesn't change what you must do. 

After the abortion you might try to spill your guts, in spurts, and using a combination of elementary vocabulary and charades, to the various staff in the recovery room. Unfortunately, if you talked to me, I might have a really hard time understanding the full extent of your situation, and try to comfort you with tissues and talk about the hope of having a child when you're in better circumstances -- not realizing that the road to better circumstances isn't visible from here. (It's a lot harder for me to write about this failure to listen well than to read J's story of a failure in his early days as an aid worker: why?) But I'd notice that you kept saying you didn't feel strong enough to get dressed and be discharged yet, even though your vital signs were normal three times in a row. 

If you talked to my more perceptive colleague, she might try to ask you if you had "somewhere else to go" -- but you don't know anyone or anyplace other than this man. She might call in a counselor and make a bunch of phone calls to informal assistance resources, trying in vain to find someone who spoke the right language. The three of you might make a plan to have you come back in a few days for "a check-up" and hope that this guy at least respects medical orders and will give you another ride to the clinic. 

All of this, to our regret, would happen after the abortion that you wished you didn't have to have, because while antis are lately fixated on stopping "coerced" abortions, they are apparently completely clueless about the forces and circumstances that actually make women have abortions they wish they didn't have to have. When language barriers don't prevent women and girls from telling us what's in their heart, when immigration laws don't leave the most vulnerable with nowhere to turn, when men don't take the opportunity to take advantage, when families don't make their daughters believe that can't possibly come home pregnant, (you fill in the blank): that's when women will only have the abortions they want. 

Guest post: Sons

A warm welcome-back to deliverance, who joins us again with a new guest post :)

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“wishes for sons” by Lucille Clifton

“i wish them cramps.
i wish them a strange town
and the last tampon.
i wish them no 7-11.

i wish them one week early
and wearing a white skirt.
i wish them one week late.

later I wish them hot flashes
and clots like you
wouldn’t believe. let the
flashes come when they
meet someone special.
let the clots come
when they want to.

let them think they have accepted
arrogance in the universe,
then bring them to gynecologists
not unlike themselves.”

Male privilege is something I encounter on a daily basis at my job. It often comes in the form of a phone call with a curious son on the other line—“If my girlfriend and I had sex on the 8th, but she also had sex with someone else on the 12th, how could it be *my* child?!” In this process of protecting himself, he is avoiding the responsibilities which come with being a sexually active adult.

Women don’t have the option of walking away. Our bodies are bound to such consequences.

In other instances, male privilege oozes from the walls of the waiting room. Impatient sons position themselves on our comfy couches in ways which look all too forced—they appear pouty, bothered, and cast rude stares. “What takes this long? I have things to do!” If only he could know how inconvenient it is to have something unwanted growing inside of you.

When I was in college, one of my Women’s Studies professors shared with me one of her hopes for third-wave feminists: “You need to involve boys and men. We need to make them aware of how gender roles influence their own lives, too.”

Lucille Clifton and my college professor both were communicating something similar: These are our sons. We need to be teaching them better.

Every once in awhile I am reminded. A son comes into a session, scoots his chair close to his partner’s, and listens intently. He does not interrupt her, talk over her, or insert his own opinion wherever he feels compelled to make his voice heard.

He does, however, sincerely ask—with open and interested eyes—“What can I do to take care of her?” This kind of son sometimes asks a myriad of medical questions, about the process her body has to go through. He holds her hand, the entire time.

There are sons who are concerned about the well-being of women. There are sons who honor women. I just wish there were more.

A Man's World

Was jetting home one day last week, eager to get to the grocery store for some dinner fixins, and ignoring people on the sidewalks. Being asked to contribute money for something is not unusual in my town, and the ubiquity of shameless fundraisers rivals that of pigeons. I'm whizzing past folks in green polos, yellow vests, all variety of uniform, when I actually stopped for a nice young man in a light blue T-shirt.

"Excuse me miss, would you like to help support women's rights today?"


BTW, the T-shirt bore this logo:


It was a revelation. And when I thanked him for his manly commitment to a woman's cause, he pointed out his associates across the street, two more young hip dudes representing PP. Not a female in sight!

I was terribly excited, but he didn't see why. Why wouldn't a bunch of bros raise money for pro-choice organizations? Abortion, he reasoned, is every woman's right and every human's issue. True story! So we chatted for a few minutes, me forgetting the urgency of my dinner date and he comforted by having attracted non-negative attention (just as I approached him, a burly bearded man in a T-shirt with a bald eagle and American flag responded to his above question with a huffy "Oh, I do support women."). I made a donation and shook his hand before moving on, very pleased with what had just happened.

As a budding feminist, I am still feeling out my attitudes towards men and the abortion issue. I like to wield our go-to catch phrases like "77% of anti-abortion leaders are men; 100% will never need an abortion" and the like, but I do appreciate that men are a vital resource to protecting our rights. Even though they suck sometimes (some might argue they suck most of the time), I want to send an enthusiastic shout-out to all the men out there avoiding fatherhood as long as possible.

Thx!

Against abortion? You know what to do...

What a funny notion. What if in order to reduce abortion people lobbied for more vasectomies? So I wrote these words after seeing a photo of this bumper. As I sat here trying to dig a blog post out of my skull, I looked at the photo again and decided to visit the website in small print at the bottom of the bumper sticker.

I did it, I visited a pro-life website just to see. I mean really it was more logical than any other pro-life mantra I’ve ever heard. I’m sure vasectomies inhibit a minute number of unintended pregnancies and in turn abortions. It also holds men accountable as a part of reproduction. The debate over choice is fought over women’s bodies, quite literally.

The idea that men who don’t want to have children should get vasectomies is sort of refreshing because it places some of the responsibility on men. I am not pretending to agree with the mission of this bumper sticker or organization. This organization claims to be both pro-choice and anti-abortion, which from my point of view is not possible. There is nothing pro-choice about being against abortion. However, I am intrigued by this organization for a few reasons. Their mission is to reduce abortion through the effective use of contraception, which is definitely a step ahead of those who believe contraception is just as bad as abortion. They also claim to take a moderate stand on abortion, so they at least recognize that there are circumstances when abortion is necessary -- still not in line with my personal beliefs, but not quite as asinine as many anti causes. Really, there is nothing moderate about accepting that women have the right to control their bodies and lives. Finally, they use the money from their bumper sticker to fund vasectomies -- sort of weird, but also sort of productive, right? Snip, snip.

Abortion will never be eliminated even if every single person in the world had access to contraception and used it 100% accurately. Contraception fails, conception can and will happen and sometimes an unwanted pregnancy will need to be terminated. Not to mention that the world is a long, long, long way from every single individual having access to contraceptive technology and information on how to use it properly.

I am not endorsing this cause, just presenting it as a really interesting spin on the pro-life movement. Know thy enemy.

"Keep Ya Head Up" by Tupac

This Tupac song is always inspirational to me because it recognizes that life is hard for women, and women give our lives to our children, families, and communities every day. One day I was jammin' this song for at least the 1,000 time, and I noticed this portion of the first verse:

Time to heal our women, be real to our women

And if we don't we'll have a race of babies

That will hate the ladies, that make the babies

And since a man can't make one

He has no right to tell a woman when and where to create one

So will the real men get up

I know you're fed up ladies, but keep your head up

I love this song. The survival of women will determine the future of our world. Reproductive choice is about healing, loving, and entrusting women with their own livelihood. I could criticize the possesive language in the song, but the semantics don't matter; the song recognizes the divine nature of women's role in the future of all people.

I wear a button that says:

"Until One understands the heart of a woman nothing else about abortion makes any since at all."

-Dr. George Tiller

Murdered May 31, 2009

It reminds me that working in reproductive health and education is about healing women's hearts, "And if we don't we'll have a race of babies, that will hate the ladies, who make the babies."