Surviving partner violence isn't as simple as they make it sound

We were working with a patient living through extreme domestic violence. There was some concern that she might also be experiencing verbal abuse during the appointment itself. The security guard was asked to stay alert to the situation. Under their breath, the nurses were venting fantasies of retributive violence against the perpetrator. The counseling session was long -- such sessions invariably include attempts to verify that the patient is making as free a choice as she possibly can, discussions about involving the police, explanation of what resources exist that could support a patient (and any children) in getting away from the perpetrator.

All too often, the counseling sessions also include a heartbreaking resignation by both parties that today is not the day that things will change. We've talked (and rambled) about partner violence before, and there are lots of informative reference materials online, so I know you know about the insanely cruel catch-22 of trying to escape violence and stay safe and not go homeless or hungry. A lot of times, no counselor (including one at a DV crisis center or a specialized police unit) is in a position to "convince" someone to leave their abuser. In these times, no matter how much you've tried it will probably feel like you haven't done enough to help.

And sometimes a patient is terribly unhappy with the idea of having an abortion, but never wanted to become pregnant in the first place and had little or no choice in it. I think about this every time I hear people oppose legal abortion on the basis that "most" women are "coerced" into choosing abortion. This twists a lot of situations into one word, when actually "I don't want to but feel I have to" can mean so many different things -- including "I don't want to, but my experience tells me I'll be in greater danger if I don't, and promises of support from the system won't make a difference." Whether the abuser wants her to have an abortion or doesn't want her to have an abortion is ultimately immaterial to whether we, the abortioneers she seeks out, act on the woman's own decision to have or not have an abortion. (Certain people seem to think that if a woman weighs the situation and decides to have an abortion, and this is also what her abuser wants to happen, then we should cut off her reproductive rights to spite his face. No, the punishment for violent partners isn't an unwanted baby! It's jail time.)

It's really draining to hear outsiders say things like "So your solution is that we should have legal abortion instead of fix the system to support women?" Duh, no. Why are such people always assuming you can EITHER support addressing systemic problems OR support assisting someone who has an immediate problem and faces limited possible approaches? Total false dichotomy. I favor doing both of the above, because both are needed! How is that difficult to grasp?

The patient wasn't happy about having an abortion, but she was firm in her decision. She wasn't happy with her abuser, but not confident that she and her kids would be able to survive if she left him, either. Despite our staff's efforts, this was not the day that she could decide to find a safer life.

If you know someone is abusing children, in many cases reporting is mandated and there are channels for it and the kids get "taken away" (sometimes out of the frying pan and into the fire, sadly) and they may gain state protection in the form of an undisclosed placement location or something like that. If you know someone is abusing an adult, that isn't usually the case. She cried in the recovery room and everyone was worried and angry but we had to discharge her into the care of the person who was hurting her, because she's an adult and that's what she told us to do. It sucked. 

"Why don't you..."

Ensure women are confident in the decisions they make about their problem pregnancies
Help women leave their abusive partners so they can have that baby
Combat domestic violence
Provide women with contraceptive services to avoid unplanned pregnancies
Find a job developing more effective forms of contraception
Prevent rape and sexual violence - so that "the innocent ones" don't have to have abortions, natch
Find counseling for assault victims
Throw them baby showers so they'll have "all the supplies they need"
Offer to adopt her children so she'll have time and energy for one more
Buy her kids the damn Christmas presents so she won't have to have the abortion (What?? Please work on distinguishing between a problem and its symptom, OK?)
Help her with the cost of a new baby
Pay their utility bills
Help them find safe cheap childcare...

*

Dear devoted denialist antis, regular know-it-alls, and well-meaning strangers/friends/family/bloggers who just think abortion "shouldn't be used so thoughtlessly": 


Thank you for your suggestions. We regretfully see that you consider yourselves geniuses for having hit on the one magic solution that no one has tried.


In order to keep this letter brief, I leave to your own heroic efforts the task of identifying which of these things we ALREADY DO that you just assumed we don't do, which of them we would NEVER DO because you are not adequately informed to dream up effective strategies ("tell her to Just Leave him!"), and which ones we would LOVE to do but lack the resources and/or magical patriarchy-busting power to do.


In fact the purpose of our reply is simply to ask you a question, since you brought it up.


Why don't you?


No, seriously. Why don't you do those things? Answer me, each of you, about your individual practices. And society-at-large, you answer me too. And when you've all answered why YOU don't do these things, I'll understand you a little better, and then one day maybe we can "discuss reasonable solutions" as you have proposed but are currently unprepared for.


We regret that we will not be working with you at this time but encourage you to submit future proposals that meet the minimum thoughtfulness standards.


Good luck,


Placenta Sandwich
VP of Irritated Blogging
The Abortioneers

Telling Stories: You're Not Alone

It's that time of year again around the world: The Vagina Monologues will probably soon be coming to a city near you. I've been thinking about the Vagina Monologues a lot and though I'm a huge fan, I do think it's very strange they don't talk about abortion when they talk about vaginas. I wish they did!

VDay is coming up too - I think this week. It's all about raising awareness of the violence against women and how it's important to give voice to such things. Even during difficult, terrible times, women can still obtain power. And I'm grateful that as Abortioneers, we get to help women regain some power when faced with an unwanted pregnancy.

For us, one of the most important aspects of giving women power is access to options and choices. Sometimes, this could be as simple as telling the undocumented client who came to us for abortion services - who had been brutally beaten and nearly killed by her strict Catholic husband when he found her birth control pills - that she could regain some control over her fertility (and freedom - hopefully - at least sometimes - from being used as a human punching bag) by using Depo, an injectible birth control that her husband won’t be able to find in her dresser drawer. As you probably know, when a woman is pregnant, the risk of domestic violence increases dramatically. In fact, the time when a woman is most likely to be murdered in domestic violence is when she is pregnant. This client cried when she learned that her husband wouldn’t find any more pills and she could at least prevent a pregnancy; because as you can imagine, this woman had no power to negotiate when her body could be used for sex, under what conditions, nor did she have the power to negotiate condom use, let alone be able to discuss birth control. She was grateful. And though she had endured painful circumstances, and though controlling her fertility doesn’t mean she’ll never be abused again, she gained some power over her own body. Her own life.

I recognize she didn't go home and have a voice against her abusive husband; but for the hours she was within our clinic, she had a strong, powerful voice of bravery. I'm proud that she had a haven, a place to go to where we recognized her strength. Somewhere she could safely tell her own story. Perhaps it saved her life.

Find a V-Day event near you.

Gate Keeping Freedom

She called me with tears in her voice, the bruises on her face had only begun to swell.

She told her boyfriend she was going to have an abortion and he beat her up and took the money that she worked so hard to raise.

I thought I was talking to a grown woman, someone with kids, and years of life experience. Her voice was tired and sad. Her words were muffled, maybe because her mouth was swollen.

I asked her if she was somewhere safe now and she said, “Yes, my mom is on her way to get me.” I looked at the paperwork in front of me and realized she is 16.

I tried to carefully word my answer as she pleaded with me to help her with enough money to keep her appointment today. I promised I would do my best to help her raise the money and I wish I could make it free but I can only help with a small part of the cost.

She said, I can’t have this man’s baby, he is abusive. I agreed and assured her she would not have to. Except I can’t promise that because she will have to come up with more money on her own to get the abortion. I couldn’t say anything else though I wanted her to know that I would do anything in my power to help her get seen.

I gate-keep a fund with little room for exceptions even when a 16 year old’s boyfriend beats her up and takes her money. I am a gate-keeper because I make decisions day in and day out that grant or withhold resources from people who need them. In this case I provide assistance to women who need abortion health care and need money to access that healthcare, often that assistance and the decisions I am expected to make each day are managed within strict institutional limitations. I would love to make this young woman's procedure completely free, or help her get the procedure with whatever money her mom actually had in her pocketbook. However, I work with an organization that boxes my power in with guidelines, policies, and procedures. I work within a screwed up medical system to help people access basic health care. Sometimes I feel powerless, because I can’t help everyone and I can’t change the fact that getting an abortion often means creating money out of thin air. I can't change the fact that I gate-keep money without controlling the limitations of that money.

She was crying; her mom pulled up and she asked me to talk to her mom. I got on the phone and her mom immediately began to rehash the story her daughter had probably just called and told her. She said, I’m broke and I gave her $150 of what he stole, I might be able to scrape together another $100. Her mom was appalled that I could not help with more money. I was equally appalled at my inability to help. After a short back and forth of ideas about how to come up with money, in a rage her mom said, “so really you're just not going to help, I mean my child has just been robbed.” I told her I could try and help her locate other funds or talk to the clinic but I could not cover the money that was stolen, and then her mom got off the phone with me in a fury saying she would do what she had to do.

I could maybe get a small exception for this patient but regardless this young woman will now have to scrape together a lot more than change to get seen. She is creeping on the 12 week mark so she’s not working with a lot of time. I got off the phone and wanted to cry, I wanted to go home sick, or scream, or maybe have a cigarette even though I don’t smoke. I still want to cry.

The only thing keeping me from losing it, is that actually this isn’t the saddest story I’ve ever heard because her mom is going to do what she has to do, and this patient will have her abortion. They may go without lights or run out of grocery money but the determination in her mother’s voice verified the fact that this patient will get seen. So often the woman calling me with a swollen lip so big she can’t hardly speak, doesn’t have a mom who will do what they have to do.

I know that to do this kind of work I need to be able to leave the experience at work. Otherwise, we who believe in freedom will be burnt out and turned into ashes, who can’t help anyone, not even ourselves. The thing is so much of the experience is so personal. The women in my personal life know what I do and I get calls from my friends and extended network at work and outside of work. Women in my personal life that need information, money, abortions, and a sisterfriend to help walk them through the 400 steps to maintaining their sexual health. I am that friend to a lot of people and I love it. It makes it really difficult to leave work at work. I try to remember that at the end of the day I have done what I can to help the countless women calling me for information, money, a listening ear, or a friend.