Protecting Secrets

I was going to write about something totally different this morning, but Daughter of Wands and Vegan Vagina have me thinking about secrets with the posts they've written this week. We live somewhat double-lives, as DoW mentioned: we give direct service to women seeking abortions, but we all have interests and lives outside abortion work. And like Vegan Vagina shared, we then write for this blog, which means we’re extra secretive because we have to protect our own anonymity from our employer (and co-workers) as well as our co-bloggers’ anonymity.

This blog began so we could discuss how amazing and challenging doing direct service abortion work is. We needed a safe outlet: a place where we could really vent and celebrate. Work isn’t always a safe place to do this, especially if we think improvements could be made in certain areas. There have been times I’ve definitely been nervous at work listening to people talk about our blog. I often worry about getting outted. Even last week, a co-worker talked about one of my own blog entries. I was incredibly scared that I may have blushed and made it obvious it was me who wrote what she was talking about. Why would we care? Because we don’t represent our employer when we write here, and we may not always agree with our employer and we may want to talk about it; some employers would not be happy with this at all. Mine is one of them. And to be totally honest, there are things I still haven’t written about because I’m so scared of being outted! (And this totally pisses me off.)

Being the keeper of secrets for clients, carrying them on our shoulders, in our hearts, will be a job that lasts a lifetime. Even beyond our work with abortion. We know things about some women that perhaps they’ve never told anyone else. We become woven into their stories: their abortion story. And we have a responsibility in that. It’s our responsibility to be kind and to make their stories – their experiences – just a little better. So we are present. We focus on the women. We care for them. We listen, and - hopefully - trust them. And yet, we must be separate and tip toe on this very fine balance…of being a protector: of patients and of self...without becoming cynical and burned-out. It's not always easy.

I try to keep my life outside abortion quiet and peaceful and not filled with abortion stuff…which, let’s face it: is usually not quiet or peaceful. I try to protect my family from my work and clients from the protesters and myself from my employers and you just end up with this spiral of protectiveness and secrecy which can be difficult to unravel.

So, to those who do know our secrets (our dearest of family and dearest of friends who know we write on this blog), we’ve entrusted you with our utmost confidence that you, too, will protect us. And…we thank you for that!

Abortion Doulas

This past week, I had the extraordinary opportunity to witness an abortion doula at work.

We were performing a 12 week termination on a woman who had a fetal demise. The woman was teary before the procedure and definitely nervous. The abortion doula sat with her while she received her counseling, while her IV was placed, and while she waited for the procedure room to become available.

As the patient entered the room and sat on the table, the doula was with her the entire time. The doula stroked her hair out of her face, held her hand and talked to her about anything and everything. While we were performing the procedure, the two women talked about the patient’s children, the weather, and popular tv shows. Before the patient knew it, the procedure was over.

I have always been a supporter of doulas-whether for child bearing or termination-but to watch the abortion doula in action was amazing. She was so supportive of the woman. She was her advocate and her friend throughout the whole procedure. The doula completely changed how that woman will remember her experience.

Doulas should be an integral part of the pro-choice movement. They are patient advocates and their supporters. Years later, the patient will most likely not remember me or the attending, but she will certainly remember her doula.

You can read more about abortion doulas here

Moving On

I am grateful for Sparky's last post about "Dr. Rude." I, too, have run into a Dr. Rude, and it's so not fun.

What I - sadly - feel of more often is the need to advocate for patients within my own clinic. It's true that many clinics are suffering across the country. Most are seeing fewer clients. We're worried about healthcare reform and Obama selling us out. We want to keep our doors open so we can serve women. I believe, however, when a business focuses so much on the operations of running a business, and forget the women, forget their stories, forget why they're here in the first place...then they lose sight of why our work is so important, and they'll ultimately lose business, too. (Unless, of course, they're the only provider in the area!)

I was recently told, "you advocate for all the women," as if that's a bad thing. Seriously? Are you kidding me? Since when is it a barrier to be passionate about this work? Since when is it a barrier to completely care with all your heart and soul about the women we see? Since when is it bad to go the extra mile, find a little more funding for a woman, and ensure she has a safe abortion in a compassionate setting?

Like Moral Pilgrim, one of our avid readers/commenters, I am very passionate about patient advocacy. It's what motivates me. It's what puts a fire in me. I think about the women. I fight for them because I give a shit. I don't forget that pregnancy impacts every.single.aspect.of.their.entire.lives. I don't forget that. I treat each woman with respect and kindness. Even when I'm fucking tired and would like to go home. Even after getting it in the ear about spending time with someone who is making one of the biggest decisions of their lives. Because guess what? You spend the fucking time, you give a shit, you put your heart on your sleeve, you are compassionate and genuine...and (as if, by fucking magic!) you'll have a good clinic, with good staff, and with patients who are fucking grateful and will go tell all their friends how great xyz clinic is.

Oh. And since most of us clinics get their referrals from friends/family, it's probably not a terrible idea to forget why we're here doing abortions. Because it's not about abortion. It's not about how fast the doctor can finish his job so he can sod off home for the day. It's not about the bottom line. It's about giving a shit. It's about LIFE. I will say that again: OUR WORK IS ABOUT LIFE. It's about EVERYTHING. And if you don't get THAT, you shouldn't be doing this work. And if you're in this work just because of a paycheck, or because you can't be bothered to look for a new job in a bad economy, or because you feel you have to be loyal to your business (even though you're finished and done with it all), then this is my suggestion: move on. Get a new job. Quit wasting your time. And a note to those of us in companies where maybe we're not so excited with the current philosophy of where we work: maybe we, too, should find a new clinic where clients come first. Really. Or start our own clinics!

Activism or Advocacy

In response to being identified as a victim of right wing anti-choice violence Dr. Tiller once said, "I am a willing participant in this conflict… I choose to be here." I read these words for the first time shortly after Dr. Tiller was murdered. His life was taken as a result of the conflict he willingly participated in, becoming a martyr for choice. I have been pondering what it means to be a pro-choice advocate versus an activist.

In order to be an activist one must be willing to face conflict, we cannot hide under the many “what ifs…”. I believe confrontation often shows people’s true strength, conflict is uncomfortable and difficult more so for some than other’s. Dr. Tiller’s response to being called a victim made me ponder what it means to be a willing participant in a conflict over abortion. What does is mean to be an activist and not just an advocate? An activist intentionally makes choices and acts to create social change, while an advocate speaks on one’s behalf.

A few times in life, I have heard someone say men’s conflicts are fought over women’s bodies. I am not sure who the first person to plant this seed of thought in my mind was. Access to abortion is one way conflicts are worked out over women’s bodies. Women are the source of reproduction, thus we hold the future of humanity in our bodies. Our bodies are a source of power, both politically and economically. Women who seek abortions are criminalized in many places and even in places like the United States where abortion is legal but inaccessible women are stigmatized. Our bodies are a means of control, a means of asserting power and control. Women are often systemically raped as a tool of terrorism. This not only damages the woman psychologically and physically, but also makes her and the child she bares outcasts. These are only a few examples of how men’s conflicts are waged over women’s bodies.

In a book called The Ethical Slut, by Dossie Easton and Catherine Liszet, I read the words, “We need to politicize to protect our right to accurate and positive information about sex.” (p.94) This book is about our culture in regards to negativity towards sex and pleasure. This quote reminded me that in order to act as a willing participant in any conflict one must be willing to become political, one must be willing to take a stand and act on that stand. I can not simply advocate for access to abortion; I have to help my sisters’ access. I have to be willing to drive my sisters to the clinic, to help her find information on clinics, and lend her money when I have it. I have to support her choice no matter what and I have to be willing to motivate other people to support individuals that are beyond my personal reach. Abortion Activists work towards creating a world where reproductive health is available even when these rights are under attack.

Activism means becoming a willing participant in a conflict, and it is essential to politicize. As long as women’s bodies are terrorized and controlled by political forces, those of us who advocate for women’s rights must be willing to fight. We must be willing help educate, motivate, and mobilize others.