Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Where do babies go?

I am not a mom, and I don’t take the fact that I may or may not ever be one for granted. No doubt, children have a magically profound effect on our existence.

That being said…

During my first month of abortioneering, I was given two plastic fetuses—sucking their thumbs and labeled 11-12 weeks on their thick, fetus necks—by a protestor who stands in the alleyway with a basket and a handful of brochures regarding the anti-abortion, pregnancy center that moved-in on the other side.

Imagine having an abortion then leaving the clinic in a post-surgical haze only to be immediately harassed by a rosaried figure clutching a basket of dozens of plastic fetuses and a jab at your heart that their father will forgive you.

In my case, I can only imagine that abortion protestors are absurdly humorous people who are unable to conceive that abortion is a sacred (and deeply private) rite of passage.

I’ve kept the semi-precious (too precious to be viable) fetuses ever since. The first year, my sister and I played passive hide n’ seek with them. First, I put them in the cereal box so they fell into her morning bowl, and then I found them in my shoes, in place of a bar of soap, behind the dictionary on the bookshelf. They’ve become such a pivotal presence in my living room that friends acknowledge them when visiting. For several years, they rested in my sweet, stevia plant.

Right now, they suck thumbs atop a crystal bookend on this round, wooden table. My mate was rearranging the books recently and they toppled onto the table. “Oh, I’m so sorry!” He feared.

“Please don’t worry for them,” I said. “They’ve got an entire ludicrous movement behind them!” I kissed their eternal, half-brain heads, and set them back on high.


  1. It is beyond me why antichoice ppl insist on producing and handing out these things. It seems like an unhealthy obsession with the fetus which, let's be honest, is not cute in the least. What do they think a person is going to do with those little things? The very idea of holding a fetus in my hand is creepy. You propose some fun uses, provided your roomie doesn't choke on a fetus while downing a bowl of Lucky Charms. They could at least put a little hole in the back so you could wear it around your neck in a weird sort of Jesus-on-the-cross kind of way.

  2. This is great! I always wondered what to do with them. Now that I read this, I've got all sorts of horrible (as in great) ideas...

  3. Oh what fun! I could have my two post-borns play hide & seek with 'em.

  4. roflmao.. someone needs to get me some fetus dolls NOW.

  5. Hahahaha excellent! Are you familiar with king cakes for mardi gras? They come with a not-to-scale but similarly creepy plastic baby embedded somewhere in the cake. (It's supposed to be baby Jesus--the king--which just makes it all that much weirder). I have a friend who is collecting them to make a necklace and earring etc.

  6. Those plastic dolls just makes fetuses look creepy IMO.

  7. HAHAHAHA, I kind of forgot about the king cake babies and am now getting some awesome flash-backs.


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