Bomb Threat: Do You Tell Your Kids?

Dear Parents/Parents-to-Be/People Involved in Little People’s Lives, etc:

Remember when you could go wherever you wanted on a whim? Go out with whoever you wanted, whenever you wanted? Remember when you got a bomb threat at work and felt the only person you had to protect was yourself? Yeah…me, too!

Bomb threats and other security issues make things a little more complicated at work when you’re a sassy daddy or yummy mummy. It used to be that you just had to consider whether to tell your BFF, your partner, or your family. Now you have to wonder if you should tell your kids or not. Or maybe the neighbors or your kids’ teachers. Yeah, it’s complicated. And I often think about Dr. Tiller and others and wonder how they talked about it as a family (or did) and if they had to make contingency plans and how they handled it and how their kids felt.

Our doctor is pregnant. It’s her first child and we recently had a series of bomb threats at work. Fun, I know. So, obviously, a lot of us have been on edge. Our doctor has definitely kept her cool, but since I’m a parent too, I just couldn’t help but be curious about what’s been going on in her head. We had a nice chat during lunch yesterday and she admitted that it’s been sobering to put her now ill-fitting bullet proof jacket on while looking at her growing tummy. We’re not best friends, so I was expecting her to tell me her deepest thoughts or anything, but I was grateful for her frankness and though regular staff don’t have to wear bullet proof jackets, some of us have been more reluctant to drop off our kids at school in the morning…

I haven’t told my kids anything and I haven’t figured out yet when or if I will. I don’t know what the line is for me (but I know I need to figure it out). Some of my co-workers have told their children and most of those kids seem concerned. Some are begging their parents not to go to work. Though I think it’s a very personal decision when and who to tell, I think the severity of the threat might help warrant when to tell your kids. If it’s on the news or you’ve got police/Federal Marshal protection going on, then it’s probably smart to tell your family. At the same time, hopefully parents have devised a plan on how to support their kids, answer their questions, and allow some kind of outlet for them to talk (maybe agree on your kid being able to talk to at least one other person outside the family). It’s already stressful for us abortioneers and knowing others’ feelings about it – though important – can make it more stressful. Especially if there is pressure to quit. One of my co-workers did just do that. She’s a new mom and just was simply not willing to risk her safety or that of her family. I’d be lying if the thought hasn’t crossed my mind, either.

All I know is that we need to be better at supporting abortioneers duing security threats. They’re fucking scary and they can scare the shit out of families. I feel like I have to be strong and not act scared or worried (at work AND at home) and that’s not easy. Maybe it’s just me, but I feel like I can’t show any vulnerability or else it will look like I’m not a big enough abortioneer…that I’m not ‘down with the cause’ enough …and that if I voiced my worries, I’d look like a traitor. Or, I’d look like someone who is “just a worried mom” and “overreacting.” Maybe if we parents could talk more freely about how it is scary to get bomb threats, we’d help break some kind of stigma about what it takes to be a “good” abortioneer. Or maybe I’m just being a sensitive mom….

...What do you think?

So You're an Abortioneer : The Impact on Your Kids

Here’s to our second Yummy Mummy and Sassy Daddy’s Guide to Abortioneering. Last week, we talked about how to break it to your kids that you’re an abortioneer. This week, we’re talking about how kids can be impacted by our work and tips to help them talk to others.

Kids probably won’t really talk about their parents’ work until they’re at least in kindergarten. Maybe even first or second grade. During those years, you may not have told them you’re an abortioneer. Whatever age you do tell them, it might help to offer suggestions to your child how you think they can talk about it with others. If you live in a conservative community, it might be something along the lines of what your actual position is within abortioneering (like “my mommy’s a doctor,” or “my daddy works in a lab”). When your kids get involved in sports, church events, scouts, etc. other parents will ask you about your work. You will have probably already decided how you want to handle these questions and we’ve talked about this a lot on our blog. Your community will help dictate how safe you feel about outing yourself and how much you are willing to handle any fall-out for your kids as a result.

Because, well, there will be fall outs. Your kids will be impacted by your profession and it’s best to be as realistic and prepared as possible. You’ll want to set some guidelines for yourself. If your kid gets called a baby killer at school, what will be your response? (Call the school? The teacher? Talk to the parents of that child? Ignore it? Just talk to your child?) Before you had kids, you might’ve felt fine telling most people you’re an abortioneer. You might not feel quite the same after having kids because you don’t want your kids to be harassed. There are horror stories, including kids being called:
- baby killers
- parents being called baby killers
- kids not allowed to play with certain friends anymore
- being basically shunned from activities

These can be hard lessons for kids...and us, too! It’s also a life lesson though: a lesson in being picky about who are friends are, what a friend means, and how to stand up for yourself. This is where your family values come in and it will be super important for you to convey the life lessons you want your children to learn under these circumstances. Some kids can become very confident and find their own voice – when they’re ready – to stand up for their own beliefs on abortion. When in high school or so, they’ll probably feel they can defend abortion without outing you at the same time; instead, they’d be defending their own personal beliefs. That doesn’t mean it is easy for them, though. And I wouldn’t be too surprised if at some point, your child challenges your views. This is normal and it’s part of growing up; however, it can be hard when your teenager hates that you’re an abortioneer and wants you to quit!!

...And we haven’t even talked about if your clinic is under security threats. Be prepared to have your children and family want you to quit then, too. Again, you’ll have to decide as a family, and as an individual, how far you’re willing to go under these circumstances. Are you willing to put up with any shit that gets thrown at you? What if protesters come to your home? What if you get threatening letters? Do you draw the line in the sand when threats at work become threats at home? Or do you draw the line with threats that stay at work? You may not know until you’re in that situation. Most abortioneers I know feel very differently about security concerns at work after becoming a parent. Most are much more nervous, take it much more seriously, and are less willing to put up the shit we all put up with. You’ll also want to decide how much to tell your child about security threats. (When to tell them? Do you ever tell them? How do you teach them to be vigilant and aware of their surroundings, too, without freaking them out?)

Most of the parents I know are very cautious who they tell they’re an abortioneer to. Especially parents whose kids are very active in extracurricular activities. They maintain the vague answer, “I work at a health clinic,” blah blah. I know parents who have children in high school and college that haven’t ever been outted. I know parents who have had their small child outted. Usually, though, it came down to who the abortioneer chose to trust to out themselves to.

My instinct is to be very protective of my children. I prefer to be very, very cautious about my work and have only outted myself to one teacher. I have chosen to protect my children by rarely outing myself. You may have a different view.
Let us know what you think!

Outing Yourself to Your Kids: "I'm an Abortioneer!" First Yummy Mummy and Sassy Daddy's Guide to Abortioneering Series!

Dear Parents, Parents-to-be, People-who-hang-out-with-kids (you get the point),

Welcome to our first series in our Yummy Mummy and Sassy Daddy’s Guide to Abortioneering! To know more about this ongoing series (until you all get bored of it!), read more here. On this week’s agenda: how do you tell your kids what you do for a living?

I think this is one of the biggest things to tackle. We’ve blogged a lot about how it can be challenging to tell strangers/family members/potential romantic interests what our job is. There’s always that shock effect. We all know it: abortion work is controversial. How and when to tell our kids, then, is going to be a delicate matter, right?

(Before I start spouting off my own opinion, I want to reiterate that I’m not an expert in parenting except for the fact that I’m a parent. A flawless parent I am not.) I’m hoping that some of you will chime in with your own thoughts about this subject and that it will be interactive.

The first obvious step is to be as age-appropriate as possible while also considering your child’s character/maturity. This can be approached the same way you have your life-long sex/body discussions (we’re having those, right?). One of the coolest things about being an abortioneer parent – I think – is that our jobs, in a nutshell (ha!), are all about sex. We talk about sex every day, know the appropriate terms for body parts, etc. Hopefully, we can use this skill that we’re super trained/educated in and transfer it to open and honest discussions with our children.

Below is my little outline of age appropriate examples of what you can tell your kids when talking about your job and abortion. This is inspired by personal mommy experience, stories from other abortioneers, and the book “Talking to Your Kids About Sex: Turning ‘the talk’ Into a Conversation for Life,” by Dr. Laura Berman (love her – but not her angle on abortion in this book. Ugh):

• Age 2-3: “My job is to help girls.”

• Age 4-5: “I help girls and women.” (They might ask why. These kids like to ask why a lot.) If they do, you can say, “I like helping people. My job helps me do that. It’s kind to help others.” Or you can insert any other value you want to teach your child here.

• Age 5-8: Building on helping girls and women, you could say a little more specifically what you do. Examples could include: “I help the doctor at work,” “I pay the bills at work,” “I help girls find money to see the doctor,” “I help make appointments so girls can see the doctor,” etc.

• Age 8-9: Again, building on the previous stories, you may want to start adding that the girls/women you see have a problem and you try to help them solve their problems/support them. The statement can be that simple. Your child will probably ask what kind of problems the women are having. An example could be, “Some of the girls are having a hard time making a choice in their life and we help them with that.” You could also say that the women are pregnant and are having a problem. Depending on how inquisitive your child is, they may or may not press you. If they do ask for more information, you can continue to be vague, answering only their specific question(s), “Sometimes there can be problems when women are pregnant.” This could be a very good age to discuss some of the problems that can happen in pregnancy: sometimes there are fetal indications and you could simply state this. “There are times when there are problems with babies. It might not be safe for the woman to stay pregnant.” At this age, your child should know the basics of sex and how women get pregnant. You very well may have already discussed this before age eight. During this age group, you could've talked to your children about the values you want to instill (when people should have sex, have babies, get married, etc.). If you've already had talks about that, then this would be the perfect opportunity to discuss that people don't always make the same choices you think are best (and maybe why?). This helps set the stage for them to understand life isn't black and white.

• Age 10-11: Your child most likely knows about abortion. If not from you, from the media or friends. It’s important before this age to set the stage for abortion. It may be very hard for them to understand why anyone would not want to continue a pregnancy. Society and the media make it clear that women should always be happy when they’re pregnant. We know that is not always true; if you've had ongoing discussions with your kids that people make different choices in life and that there are consequences for those, they might be able to better understand why an abortion could take place. One approach is to simply tell your child this. You can bring up the fact that some women are raped and become pregnant: they did not ask to become pregnant. You can also talk about how pregnancy is something that can sometimes be controlled, and sometimes it isn’t. Sometimes women do not want be pregnant for many reasons. It’s probably easiest to discuss the obvious reasons why they wouldn’t want to be pregnant. I believe it’s important to call an abortion an abortion.

I think this is an appropriate age to tell your child that you help women obtain abortions. Validate any feelings your child has about this. Answer, as best as possible, their questions simply and honestly, while letting them know they can ask you questions at any time. You may feel your child is not ready for this at age; it depends on your child, how you communicate, and perhaps, even, how long you've been an abortioneer for. (If your child has been raised in an abortioneering family, then it would not be difficult to discuss it at this age, I think.) Be aware that at whatever age you do "out yourself" to your child, it's very normal they will worry about your safety at the clinic, especially if there has been media attention surrounding violence aimed at abortioneers. We can discuss this at another time.

• Age 11+: I think at this age, you'll want to continue your discussions about choices in life, about our bodies, about pregnancy, contraception and abortion. This ties into the whole theme that
"life is complicated" and that the reality is: shit happens. (You may not believe life is complicated.) My firm belief is that it’s vital to try to raise optimistic, but realistic children. Sometimes things are hard. We make mistakes. Or we can be victims. We have choices, but sometimes they only take us so far. This is life. Sugar coating it does not provide our children with the coping mechanisms to deal with disappointments and mistakes in the future. There’s a balance here and you’ll have to find this yourself. I realize I am talking about my own personal view here.

At this age, you will probably have your kids ask you more questions about sex and you may find that their friends feel they can come to you. This is a super great thing about being an abortioneer. Many abortioneer parents are those liberal parents that other kids can talk to, or ask where to find birth control, etc. Another series....?

This was longer than I expected. If you're still reading (thank you!), then feel free to comment. Let's talk about it. What works for you? What doesn't? What's been hard? What's been good?

If you want more info about talking to your kids about sex, check out Dr. Laura Berman here. Of course, as Abortioneers, we all have loads of resources and if you decide you want more, comment and we'll provide more. (Scarleteen is a great source.)

Guest post: My Truth with Abortion

Hi everyone. We'd like you to meet deliverance, who's graciously agreed to be our guest here for several upcoming Thursdays. As deliverance says, The name means relief from something, and sometimes liberation. Please extend your warmest welcome to our friend and colleague!

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potentially problematic

Hello, dear readers and writers. This is my first post in this special sliver of cyberspace, as I will be guest-blogging for the illuminating Daughter of Wands in August and September.

I started working in the honorable field of abortion care exactly one year and a day ago. Never had I expected to become so bonded with abortion. For quite a long time abortion was, for me, a distant political issue. I was committed as an activist to do my part in protecting abortion rights, but I never had any emotional investment.

When I reflect on how I thought about abortion before my days as an insider, I understand. Mainstream messages don't convey the heart that is in abortion care. That would be radical. Instead, we flaunt, we debate, we yell, and we condemn. There is no story-telling.

It is not new for women to have their stories and lives ignored. In my work, I have been able to honor the lives of many women. I have also come to this realization: Abortion care is soulful; it deepens the heart and opens the mind.

On a daily basis I get to discuss the "big questions" -- questions about life, death, rebirth, loss, and love. Recently, I have been thinking quite a bit about the topic of parenthood and how people make the decision to become parents.

I have been seeing advertisements by the Ad Council to encourage more foster parenting. Each commercial ends with the statement, "Kids in foster care don't need perfection, they need you." So basically, as long as your kid doesn't carry your genes, there's no need to do anything above mediocre. (You can find these ads on the right side of this webpage under "Campaign Materials"):

Choosing to raise a child is a huge responsibility, but these ads make parenting seem like it's something anyone can do, and it's not all that important to strive for anything above the ordinary. Perhaps we should consider the impact we have on our communities when we don't work to raise our children in the best way we can. Also, what kind of impact does it have on a child who hears, essentially, that they don't need anything special from a parent?

In my work at the clinic, I sometimes talk with women who feel obligated to carry out a pregnancy because they aren't in desperate situations. They often feel a bit ambivalent, and figure that if they try hard enough, they could accomplish being a parent.

Shouldn't parenthood be a conscious decision, one which involves a certain amount of desire and motivation? Parenting involves raising a person -- teaching someone about the world, helping them acquire life skills, and instilling values and morals. It shouldn't have the same weight as choosing which dinner entree you want from a menu.

I am not saying I support the ever-popular argument that "It is good to have abortion because there are certain people who just shouldn't have children." But I am noticing, partly through my work at the clinic, that sometimes parenting isn't seen as a profound act.

Recently I came across a poem which made me think of one way to look at parenting. It is from a book called Earth Prayers.

"I'm going to plant a heart in the earth
water it with love from a vein
I'm going to praise it with the push of muscle
and care for it in the sound of all dimensions.
I'm going to leave a heart in the earth
so it may grow and flower
a heart that throbs with longing
that adores everything green
that will be strength and nourishment for birds
that will be the sap of plants and mountains."
-Rosario Murillo

My work with abortion doesn't always have to do with the absence of children. It does, however, always have to do with love.