Who is the man?

When I told my dad I was going to be an Abortioneer, he did not bounce off the walls. I was nervous to tell him at first, because he is a man of few words when it comes to serious issues. He will talk your ear off about a diesel engine, or about Beethoven's 9th. But when it comes to things that are controversial or painful, he responds generically in a monotone that would lead you to believe he couldn't care less, even when in fact the issue hits very close to home.

Instead, he told me that it was great. His words were along the lines of "I'm glad that you will be working in a capacity to help the less-fortunate." Bland, true to form. But I detected in his voice a quiet pride in his daughter's compassion towards others, the same that she inherited from her parents and grandparents. Still, I can only hope to be as much of a freedom fighter as my dad, who once took two bullets defending a revolutionary political figure during an assassination attempt. The attempt was successful, but my dad survived.

I can't say if I'll ever take a bullet for the next Dr. Tiller, but I'll know that if I ever do it's because I picked up a little of my dad's courage, fearlessness, and sense of urgency in doing what's right. I'm the bad mutha shut-yo-mouth I am today because of him. Stubborn, but only because I know the deal.

Love you daddy, and I thank you for all.

Sunday Douchebaggery Interlude

Take a gander at this shit:

"The billboard depicts an Alamogordo businessman, [Greg] Fultz, 35, holding what appears to the outline of a baby in his arms as he is looking down at it. Next to the picture, in large print, is the statement, 'This Would Have Been A Picture Of My 2-month Old Baby If The Mother Had Decided To Not KILL Our Child!'"

Last week the woman targeted by this billboard brought suit against Mister Douchebag, on the grounds that he's violating her privacy and causing emotional distress. The judge ruled in her favor, ordering the billboard to be removed and granting the plaintiff an order of protection. Thank goodness.

Further gross details and aspects:

A) As Greg "Douchebag" Fultz admits in the rest of his letter, he is "not sure" that his ex actually had an abortion! He doesn't have proof so is guessing. The plaintiff says she miscarried.

B) Of course, whether or not she had an abortion remains HER business alone, anyhow! We don't need to explore her medical history to determine whether she did or did not "deserve" this.

C) Aside from the violation of privacy, to me this also sounded like a violation of the Freedom of Access to Clinic Entrances (FACE) Act, which prohibits intimidation to prevent people from receiving or providing reproductive health services. Unfortunately, it's not that straightforward; it turns out the language of the law forbids the use of "force, threat of force or physical obstruction" -- so, although I'd argue that this could constitute intimidation with a chilling effect on care-seeking ("If I have an abortion my manipulative douche of an ex may put up a billboard about me, like what happened to that woman in New Mexico"), a judge might not agree. But I still wonder about all the things that happen when women have good reason to fear stigma and public excoriation; one woman who survived the dangerous care at Kermit Gosnell's illegal practice (but not without lasting injury) said that she initially headed to Planned Parenthood but turned around when she saw the protesters.

D) Bonus grossness! Mr. Douchebag is 35; the plaintiff is 20. Twenty. Twenty years old! Jesus Christ, that adds a whole OTHER layer of slimy sleazy selfishness to this guy's actions. As though they didn't already sound enough like intimidation and punishment for not doing what he wanted, on top of that he's nearly twice her age and she's still at practically the beginning of her life, and HE's the one who feels robbed? Because he didn't have the right to decide how the rest of her young life was going to go?

Indeed he does feel robbed. In statements to newspapers and to the New Mexico legislature, he says:

"Women have all the power when it comes to pregnancy. The men get no say when a woman wants to go and have an abortion without the say of the father. I believe that is wrong because men are 50 percent of the result of the pregnancy."

and

"I'd like to get a bill created in honor of my baby (Baby Fultz) for all fathers. My idea is to get a bill introduced that gives biological fathers equal rights as to the welfare and decisions being made of the unborn child with exceptions to those of rape and incest and other means of illegal fatherhood."

Of course, the fact that a spermatozoon and an ovum contribute equal numbers of chromosomes doesn't really mean that "men are 50 percent of the result of the pregnancy." That's not how it works; I've never seen a male partner carrying and feeding a fetus for 4.5 months. Simpleton's math aside, I do honestly want to know, exactly what would he consider "equal rights" to a decision about abortion? If one partner (or ex-partner) decides in favor of ending the pregnancy and the other doesn't, what should happen? How do you make that a 50/50 decision?

EDIT: Further information highlights just how much this abortion-billboard stunt is part and parcel of Mr. Douchebag's manipulative, abusive strategy. The billboard reads "Created for N.A.N.I. (National Association of Needed Information"; turns out Nani is his target's first name. He abused his then-wife and has harassed and stalked her and other exes; he created a website named after his ex where he publicized her contact information; he published gross comments and "jokes" about extreme violence toward women and toward his ex in particular; he may or may not have been lying about always wanting a child, as there are allegedly court documents concerning his child-support deadbeatery. Can't say I'm shocked, as divulging private and socially-stigmatized information is a common weapon in the abuser's arsenal; but I sure as hell remain grossed out.

Nurturing Choice

I've heard the argument for parental notification/consent laws that reasons, "Why shouldn't the parent be involved in the daughter's life and decisions and choices?" It sounds so innocuous and Norman Rockwellian when it's stated like that, but we Abortioneers all know that sometimes it's more like, "This girl is going to be beaten into next week and into the foster care system and into teenage parenthood if lawmakers require consent/notification."

But laws and barriers to reproductive justice aside, I wanted to give a shout out to the parents of all abortion patients (not just minors) who are so involved and so loving. I've always known that if I had an abortion, my mom would be my first choice as a driver/support person. Even when I was in a long-term relationship, I would have chosen her. Above anyone else, I would want her comfort and humor and company. And I have absolutely no doubt that even if it meant taking a day off from work and driving a few hours to my city, she would be there for me.

My friend had an abortion a few years ago, and she came to my clinic with her mom in tow. She, too, had a partner, and she was well above 18, but her mom was her first choice. I could tell her mom was glad to be at her side, but it wasn't easy for her. I knew from past conversations that my friend's mom was pro-choice, and she had even had an abortion and a D&C (for miscarriage management) herself, but that day was hard for her. Although I was friends with the mom, too, I didn't delve into it, but I can only assume that her tears were from memories of her experiences or from the fierce desire to protect her daughter. But whatever baggage she carried, she was at her daughter's side, trying not to cry and trying to make the day about her adult child.

I also remember fathers of clients who were or were not required to accompany their daughters to the clinic, but who were obviously distraught. They weren't distraught because their daughters were killing their grandchildren (anti-choice rhetoric, right there), but because their daughters were faced with their first major adult decisions or because it was the first time their adult daughters had come to them for help or support. They didn't have to say what was running through their minds, but it was evident from the way they softly asked me, "How is she doing?" or implored, "Take good care of her." More than one burly man had tears in his eyes.

I've also seen a mother who accompanied her very young daughter to the clinic and whose boyfriend was responsible for the pregnancy, unbeknownst (until now) to the mother. In another case, the mother's son had brokered the rape of her daughter, also unbeknownst to the mom. Both mothers were clearly heartbroken over the complexities of the situations, as well as the implications of blame that they shouldered. In each of those cases, I made it a point to take the mothers aside and hug them and whisper simply, "You're a good mom."

Thank you, endlessly, to all of the good parents who support their daughters who chose abortion or who chose parenthood or who chose adoption. And thank you to all the parents who chose abortion, parenting, or adoption in order to give better lives to their daughters and sons.

Some details of each of these stories have been changed in order to protect client privacy.

These roots were made for abortioneering

I was born into abortion. And yes, that statement is logical.

My earliest memory of being exposed to abortion was when my sister told me “We don’t get pizza from Domino’s, they are pro-life”. I didn’t know back then what pro-life meant, but I knew I didn’t want to be it (because I eagerly mimicked everything my sister did including ice skating, gymnastics, and playing with Barbies).

Years later I ended up working at an abortion clinic and I was fortunate to have the support and approval and encouragement of my entire family. I have met many abortioneers over the years that hid their profession from their loved ones and I luckily never had to be quiet about my work and passion.

Am I a direct product of my pro-choice upbringing? I often wonder if I would have been born into a pro-life family would I have ended up pro-life? Well thankfully that is a scenario I was never faced with. So here’s the rundown on my family tree:

Dad is a pro-choice neonatologist, and yes that is also extremely logical. He has spent his life taking care of babies who were born premature or ill. Oftentimes these babies were not wanted and he sees the direct result of women who were denied access to abortion and how an unwanted child impacts their health. He understands how women and girls don’t have access to family planning and he understands rape and incest. He is an advocate for women and for what they choose and that is ultimately the best kind of medicine. My dad was the first person I would call after a heartbreaking case at work. I needed someone to vent to and I knew he would understand the hard things I was constantly dealing with at the clinic.

Mom was a nurse midwife for years. One of her first jobs out of school was at an abortion clinic right after abortion was legalized. She is the first person I go to any time I am fundraising for pro-choice causes because she is such an incredible supporter. She is the epitome of pro-choice and would never question the choice of a woman or pass judgment.

My aunt is currently a prison nurse but worked in an abortion clinic years ago. She is also a no-questions-asked advocate for women.

My half-cousin who is a generation older than me is a nurse practitioner who has worked at Planned Parenthoods all across this great nation of ours. Once when I was babysitting her daughters I ordered pizza from the above-mentioned Domino’s (they were the only number I knew to call for delivery)…when she got home she promptly threw out the leftover pizza. I have never ordered from Domino’s since!

So those are my roots…I look forward to passing on my own abortioneering to the next generation.

Plug for a fellow blogger: more on fathers

Sparky's had an unexpected travel-related contretemps these past couple of days, but that doesn't mean the pro-choice summer reading stops! I urge you to visit Every Saturday Morning, the blog of a team of clinic escorts in Kentucky, where today Dan has written on the intersection of fatherhood and escorting, and about a confrontation with

disapproving men willing to abandon their daughters during their moment of deepest emotional distress, embarrassment, and fear, and leave them to walk through this gauntlet of hatred with a complete stranger, a man who will be in her life for only a few minutes, but is willing and able to be her surrogate father.

The post is both heartfelt and heart-rending. Dan, thank you for writing about your struggle that day, and thank you for being a pro-choice dad and a compassionate escort. And happy Fathers' Day to you!

My father the reluctant pro-choice hero

I suspect my dad never meant to raise a pro-choice feminist. I wonder if he had no idea what he was in for when he had a daughter. He often seems taken aback by my opinions if I don't ease into them or don't take a mild tone defending them. He's uncomfortable with abortion -- knows it's necessary in some cases, but wishes that someone else's daughter were doing the dirty work of "facilitating that." For a while, he seemed outright sorrowful that I had chosen this field.

But I must have gotten these values from somewhere. It always just sort of made sense in my head that it came from him and my mom. The particular differences of our family have always made me appreciate openmindedness and strive to respect others' background and situation. My parents value justice, rights, the common good, public health, and medical truth-telling. And it's because of them that I have always tried to understand all aspects of a person's narrative -- more than is probably possible. So I don't feel bad or wrong when my dad doesn't see it my way -- just sad -- because I know that he knows we are starting from the same values. And finally, in the past year or so, he's stopped asking if I'm considering changing specialties, and started acknowledging aloud that I've found a calling of sorts. 

And yet! Even though we've reached a point where he seems to accept the stories I share with him as good-enough reasons to continue my work, there are certain things that he doesn't seem ready to let go of. Not so surprisingly, they seem related to him as a man, as a father or a potential father: 

1) What if a minor has an abortion without telling her parents? That's wrong, and therefore "parental consent" laws are good. I would want to know if my daughter were pregnant or seeking an abortion, and it's my right as a parent to be involved in her medical care. 

2) What if a married woman has an abortion without telling her spouse? That's unfair to a husband, particularly if he has wanted a child, and therefore wrong, and therefore there should be a law against it. I would want to know if my wife were pregnant or seeking an abortion, and it's my right as a potential parent to have a say in what happens to my potential child. 

Compelling hypotheticals, but I'm forced to disagree with him every time. The number of negative situations that could be dangerously exacerbated by parental consent or "paternal" consent is so overwhelming, and so non-hypothetical, that I just can't abide by the argument that we should pass coercive laws based on the assumption that all families/couples have healthy relationships. It's not just that, fundamentally and morally, abortion is not up to a parent or partner's decision; it's also that women and girls may very well die if we let it be someone else's decision to make. Remember the 13-year-old in Pennsylvania who was hospitalized this month, because she induced an abortion with a pencil rather than comply with her state's parental involvement law. Daughters get kicked to the curb or worse for being pregnant. Adult women get shoved around and beaten up and their abusers threaten their children or pets, all to keep them under control, and impregnating a partner (child or adult) is a sadly common weapon to ensure she's stuck with him. 

That's why, if you're a parent (or partner), the onus is on you to make your relationship with your daughter (or partner) one that she knows she can trust for support in making difficult decisions, and then hope that she decides to share that part of her most private life with you. Like you're supposed to do in your relationship in general, for everything. Ensure in advance that she always knows you are there for her, for any eventuality, whether or not she'd choose what you'd choose -- like I know my dad is. That's really all you can ethically do. If you're already doing it, I thank you from the bottom of my daughterly heart.