Her Body, Her Life

Working in an abortion clinic is a job, but its also more than a job. In my job I have to answer questions for women about their bodies and personal lives. I believe that my roll is to give them as much information as I can in the short interaction we have. Women need to control their bodies and life decisions in order to control their lives. There is a great book that most of us feminist, abortioneering womyn already own and love but its worth recommending here called Our bodies, Ourselves.

The clinic I work in only does abortion into the very early second trimester. There are many reasons we can't do procedures farther including the availability of doctors who will do the procedures. The state I live in is also quite conservative in regards to abortion and attempts to pass and enforce anti-abortion legislation almost on an anual basis.


We often get call from women much farther along in their pregnancy. I try to make sure to give women as much information as possible when the clinic I work in does not offer the services she needs. I recognize that I operate as a gatekeeper who has information that people need. I often hear co-workers act as though women should not get abortions beyond 16-18 weeks. The same people make a judgement of women who have multiple abortions. I wish that every single person working in abortion care understood that our job is about making sure women know they can decide what to do with their bodies for themselves regardless of any one elses personal views.


The other day I had a 17 year old express her wish to keep her pregnancy so I wrote gave her information regarding seeking medical care and advised her to take care of herself and her body. I also spoke to a woman in her third trimester and informed her of the safe haven laws. Dozens of times a week a woman will ask me"so, whats better the surgery and the pill?" Now, personally I think if I need an abortion I would get a surgical abortion over a medical(pill). However, when I answer this question at work or even among friends, I explain its about a personal preference and offer a few reasons someone might prefer each type of procedure.

This work is about abortion, but abortion is about reproduction and women's lives. When women have control of our lives our families are strong and so are our communities.

I'm prochoice but...

I am adamantly pro-choice or pro-abortion rights. I have also struggled with how I personally feel about late term abortion of physically viable pregnancies. At one point I even decided that personally I was against it. I continued to help women obtain late term abortion even though I had personal judgments. The primary role of an abortioneer is to be objective. I didn't feel the need to inhibit women from doing what they decided they needed even if personally it didn't quite sit right with me.

There were times when I would go above and beyond to help a woman obtain a late term abortion because her story was tragic, maybe she was child or an adult who had been traumatized, maybe she just stuck out to me but for whatever reason it seemed more OK in her circumstance. I have come to realize that even when I could not comprehend why a woman waited so long it did not negate the fact that she and only she can make decisions for herself and any point in her pregnancy. I would talk to a woman when she was 8 weeks pregnant and hear back from her when she was 22 weeks pregnant and sometimes I would not understand why she let it go so long. I had to consistently remind myself that I was not living in her shoes. She had to make her life choices on her own time not mine.

Over the years I continued to struggle with my feelings about late term abortion. When a friend of mine had a baby prematurely I thought about what that meant about late term abortions. I realized that it had nothing to do with them because my friend was pregnant with a wanted child, an invited guest into her body and family. This is a completely different situation than an unwanted pregnancy.

I'm sharing these struggles here because over the years I have come to strongly believe in trusting women. Now when I'm in the clinic and a woman is too far along to have a procedure where I work I go above and beyond every time to get her whatever information and resources I might be gate keeping. Abortion is a matter of the heart and matters of the heart are never simplistic. I challenge all abortioneers to identify what judgments you might carry and to constantly be aware of how those judgments may affect the work you do each day. We all have them and if we are going to be completely objective we have to be able to identify where we carry personal judgments.

Gate Keeping Freedom

She called me with tears in her voice, the bruises on her face had only begun to swell.

She told her boyfriend she was going to have an abortion and he beat her up and took the money that she worked so hard to raise.

I thought I was talking to a grown woman, someone with kids, and years of life experience. Her voice was tired and sad. Her words were muffled, maybe because her mouth was swollen.

I asked her if she was somewhere safe now and she said, “Yes, my mom is on her way to get me.” I looked at the paperwork in front of me and realized she is 16.

I tried to carefully word my answer as she pleaded with me to help her with enough money to keep her appointment today. I promised I would do my best to help her raise the money and I wish I could make it free but I can only help with a small part of the cost.

She said, I can’t have this man’s baby, he is abusive. I agreed and assured her she would not have to. Except I can’t promise that because she will have to come up with more money on her own to get the abortion. I couldn’t say anything else though I wanted her to know that I would do anything in my power to help her get seen.

I gate-keep a fund with little room for exceptions even when a 16 year old’s boyfriend beats her up and takes her money. I am a gate-keeper because I make decisions day in and day out that grant or withhold resources from people who need them. In this case I provide assistance to women who need abortion health care and need money to access that healthcare, often that assistance and the decisions I am expected to make each day are managed within strict institutional limitations. I would love to make this young woman's procedure completely free, or help her get the procedure with whatever money her mom actually had in her pocketbook. However, I work with an organization that boxes my power in with guidelines, policies, and procedures. I work within a screwed up medical system to help people access basic health care. Sometimes I feel powerless, because I can’t help everyone and I can’t change the fact that getting an abortion often means creating money out of thin air. I can't change the fact that I gate-keep money without controlling the limitations of that money.

She was crying; her mom pulled up and she asked me to talk to her mom. I got on the phone and her mom immediately began to rehash the story her daughter had probably just called and told her. She said, I’m broke and I gave her $150 of what he stole, I might be able to scrape together another $100. Her mom was appalled that I could not help with more money. I was equally appalled at my inability to help. After a short back and forth of ideas about how to come up with money, in a rage her mom said, “so really you're just not going to help, I mean my child has just been robbed.” I told her I could try and help her locate other funds or talk to the clinic but I could not cover the money that was stolen, and then her mom got off the phone with me in a fury saying she would do what she had to do.

I could maybe get a small exception for this patient but regardless this young woman will now have to scrape together a lot more than change to get seen. She is creeping on the 12 week mark so she’s not working with a lot of time. I got off the phone and wanted to cry, I wanted to go home sick, or scream, or maybe have a cigarette even though I don’t smoke. I still want to cry.

The only thing keeping me from losing it, is that actually this isn’t the saddest story I’ve ever heard because her mom is going to do what she has to do, and this patient will have her abortion. They may go without lights or run out of grocery money but the determination in her mother’s voice verified the fact that this patient will get seen. So often the woman calling me with a swollen lip so big she can’t hardly speak, doesn’t have a mom who will do what they have to do.

I know that to do this kind of work I need to be able to leave the experience at work. Otherwise, we who believe in freedom will be burnt out and turned into ashes, who can’t help anyone, not even ourselves. The thing is so much of the experience is so personal. The women in my personal life know what I do and I get calls from my friends and extended network at work and outside of work. Women in my personal life that need information, money, abortions, and a sisterfriend to help walk them through the 400 steps to maintaining their sexual health. I am that friend to a lot of people and I love it. It makes it really difficult to leave work at work. I try to remember that at the end of the day I have done what I can to help the countless women calling me for information, money, a listening ear, or a friend.