I had a relative in town all week...

...and I just have some questions for my fellow abortioneers.

Is this how it usually goes down for you?


Sub-questions:

• Which one of you avoids bringing it up -- you or the relative(s)?
• Which one of you subtly changes the subject?
• Which one of you decides to end the conversation?
• Which one of you lets the other person have the last word, and/or decides to leave it at "agreeing to disagree"?

...Or do you just have an all-out fight?
...Or is everything hunky-dory with all your relatives? (Congratulations!)

These aren't rhetorical questions, I'm just curious about the whole spectrum of experiences (from people I know personally, it's already quite broad). So tell me how it is for you.

Friends Of The Abortioneers: a gripe

Not long ago, my BFF told me that "on second thought, [I] probably shouldn't meet" one of his new friends because she had briefly expressed anti-abortion sentiments (something like "Well not that I support abortion") the last time they hung out. I asked my friend if he had said anything to respond to her...like, oh, say, "Well, I do support abortion rights, so you don't have to make any disclaimers around me." Or that his best friend provides abortion care and is a perfectly okay person. I don't know.

He said no, he hadn't said anything, and I realized I was hurt. He's known me for years, knows how important abortion is; why isn't that worth rocking the boat with someone he's just met? And why wouldn't you want to state your position early on -- what if this new friend simply assumes that's an OK thing to say to him, or to say in general? I even wondered if she's said it in front of women who, unbeknownst to her, have had abortions and now might never feel comfortable mentioning it.

I felt hurt even though I don't know this woman and don't particularly need to. I feel hurt when my mom lets her psycho friend be vocally anti-abortion in her presence, or when my dad seemed visibly relieved that I was going back to school and he could tell the relatives we were visiting that his daughter "works in public health." It's not outright rejection, but their silence isn't just about abortion as an abstract concept; it's like they're avoiding sticking up for me. And it bothers me even though I don't always stick up for myself.

Am I ashamed? Don't I want to educate people? Why wouldn't I always stick up for myself?

No; No; and, Because. No, I'm not ashamed. Okay, Yes I do want people to "be educated" about abortion, but No I don't want to do it in my local pharmacy or the video store I rent from every weekend. And maybe -- sometimes -- I don't want to be the one to do it. Maybe it would be nice if other people did some educating. People who could say "Someone I'm close to works in an abortion clinic, and from what I can tell it's an important part of healthcare that we shouldn't stigmatize or demonize." People who are far enough away from actually doing the work that, if they said this, it might make someone uncomfortable, but not make someone violent. People who are far enough away from the work that a bad reaction might make them disappointed, but not break their soul yet again.

~

If I were someone else, I might have been offended that my BFF thought I was too narrow-minded to hang out with someone who opposes abortion -- and I recognize that some people reading this might feel that way too. But I know that he was looking out for me, because I am that narrow-minded; or, less facetiously, because over the years I've decided that my time is better spent with people who can get their head around the fact that I find my work meaningful and valuable, and not wasted on those who need to be gently led back to Square One at potentially great personal risk.

I make exceptions for my grandparents, my middle-school teachers, my parents' close friends; I'll be social with them and skirt the subject. (Although I sense that if I have to see my mom's psycho friend again I'm going to snap.) I also make exceptions by not bringing it up with people I meet at parties, bars, or other noisy places where I am trying to have fun, not an upsetting high-decibel "debate," and don't plan to know you in the long-term. Or if a stranger on the bus wants to chat -- do you know that someone I know was followed on her commute home by an anti? After some instructive mishaps, I now make exceptions when meeting friends of friends, too. I don't like making a friend's evening awkward just because I responded to "So what do you do?" and their other friend couldn't pass up the chance to be rude.

On the face of it, maybe it doesn't sound fair for me to give myself all these passes but hold my family and friends accountable for their silences. But I don't care, actually. They could be my allies: their expenditure and risk in speaking up would be so low compared to mine. They ought to.

A written response to your ignorance:

In my family everything is a political debate, EVERYTHING. Very few of us agree on things like welfare, health care, elected officials, or abortion. I try to avoid these debates, they irritate me, people become angry or emotional and nobody really actively listens to each other so they are pointless as far as I'm concerned. When alcohol is involved they are usually more than pointless, more like ridiculously unproductive, sort of like taking steps backwards because everyone just become more strongly entrenched in their own opinion and NOTHING is going to challenge it no matter how incoherent that person's logic may be.

The other day one of my very polite, very sweet, non-debating male cousins used the "N" word. He's a cute 20 year old white boy from the south raised in a relatively liberal family. I love him, really he is one of the most enjoyable people in my family. I responded by telling him I didn't think it was appropriate for him to use that word. He said he just didn't get that. We didn't get deep in it but I told him that the use of that word to degrade black people is not some ancient part of history but people who were around when white people used that word as a form of verbal terror are still alive and kicking, and some aren't even that old. He didn't really respond, and I hope I gave him something to think about.

So, what does this have to do with abortion? For kicks I then asked him his opinions on abortion. I really had no idea what he would say. He says "well if a girl is dumb enough to get pregnant she should have to bear the responsibility of her actions." Not a surprising answer. I let him continue before I responded. He continued talking about these dumb girls who go around fucking every guy in town. He rambled about this and then went on a tirade about stupid girls who try to sue their boyfriends for money for their abortions. At this point I said, "dude, that does not happen." He said "I know girls that have tried that" and insisted that it does.

I told him I worked in abortion care for 4 years, it does NOT happen and if these "stupid girls" threaten to sue their idiot boyfriends, and their boyfriends believe its possible it sounds like they're the dumb one in the situation. He actually agreed once he realized it really doesn't happen. I mean, hello it would take nearly the whole pregnancy to get the case in court, not to mention she would lose. I remember a woman who had to wait until her second trimester to get an abortion, because she was 2 months away from 18 and she went to get a judicial bypass but the judge said since she already had a child she would probably regret it. So, she stayed pregnant for another 2 months until her 18th birthday. The bottom line is the American court system is not going to make men pay for abortions, the same courts can't get most men to pay child support and when they do it takes years to win that battle. Abortions are pretty time-sensitive.

I then followed up and said, what about someone whose been raped or molested? His response was, "yeah, well they should get an abortion if they want it." I dropped it at this point because I didn't want to debate, and it was clear that women's health and sexuality is just too complex for some people's ignorance. I can think of 1001 reasons why that one individual should be able to get her abortion, in fact daughter of wands listed 51 of those reasons in a blog several months ago. It's not productive to judge which individuals have the right combinations of reasons that make an abortion OK. I try to think of the kind of ignorance my cousin expressed as just that, pure ignorance; he does not have enough information or life experience to understand the complexities involved in women's health and reproduction. I wish that people could accept that they don't have to get it, they just need to be willing to let people live and make their own choices without judgment or questions. Of course, to give my cousin credit, I asked for his opinion, he did not pass judgement on someone else, but his opinion made it clear he has a judgment of young women who face unintended pregnancies.

Abortion=Empowerment=Information

Many women I know and respect immensely too would describe themselves as pro-choice but have issues with late-term abortion. The other day I spoke to another cousin of mine who is a young mom. We discussed late-term abortions and I told her, "you know if a woman is willing to go through having a late-term abortion she obviously needs it, and doesn't need a child regardless of the circumstances." She agreed, no questions asked. I was not really surprised, but my cousin would not identify herself as a feminist nor is she an activist or highly educated. However, she gets it because she is a young woman who has struggled with her own choice to be a mom. It made me question why so many pro-choice, feminist, activist people can't just get that it's an individual woman's decision, no questions asked, no matter what the circumstance.