Hello from the Haven Coalition

I have written in a few posts about the organization I volunteer with as a patient host, the Haven Coalition. I realized that in all my time writing as an abortioneer here I have probably not written enough about this awesome network of patient hosts. I did write a patient hosting FAQ here, but I thought I would share some excellent media stories about our organization and our history. We are always looking for new volunteer hosts (contact info here) and also willing to talk to people in other cities about getting their own volunteer hosting network started.

So, if you have some free time I highly suggest checking out these great pieces written about our org:

In Salon: here

In NYMag: here

and Brooklyn Rail: here

...and finally, here is a link to join our Facebook page: here

Happy Reading! I would also love to hear about any other DIY or grassroots efforts in your town that provide support to women.

Medical Tourism

I have hosted women from small towns within my own state, women from nearby states, and even a woman from Canada. They come to my large metropolitan city because they are past the legal limit in their state, or there just simply is not a provider trained or willing to perform abortions in the second trimester where they live. For example, the woman from Canada was within the legal limits, but there was not a provider, so her public health insurance PAID for the entire cost of her procedure in OUR country!

I always ask the women if they have been to New York City before. Some of them live only a few hours away and I sort of assumed they had been to NYC on a field trip, family trip, or getaway. However, as far as I can remember, every woman I have hosted said she had never been to NYC until the present trip.

We usually leave the clinic in a cab, which for many of them is the first time in a cab. The cab drivers here are fast and tend to weave a bit, which is not the best environment for an often-queasy woman going through a 2-day abortion. One woman was mesmerized by the TV screen built into the cab that had a map displaying showed our location. The women all stare out the window and ask every block what landmarks we are passing and if we will see famous buildings or people…usually people they know from reality TV or celebrity gossip magazines.

I have had a few women assume they will feel fine the afternoon after their procedure and they tell me they will go shopping, eat at a famous restaurant, or try to get cheap tickets to a Broadway show. I try not to break their hearts, but I am honest that they probably will want to stay off their feet and get some rest. They insist they will be fine and I usually keep my mouth shut.

I think about my first time visiting NYC when I was a small child. We ascended the Statue of Liberty, ate in Chinatown, climbed rocks in Central Park, and saw “Cats” the musical. My memories are so positive, and filled with love from my immediate and extended family. I can’t imagine what it would be like to have my first NYC memories consist of hours in a waiting room, sleeping at a stranger’s apartment, and lying in stirrups with unfamiliar medical staff. It pains me to think about how these women experience NYC for the first (and possibly only) time. I don’t think this is how they ever imagined a trip to the Big Apple.

I hope they find their way back to NYC again, in a different circumstance, at a different time. I would love for them to see this city on their own terms and not in a post-anesthesia haze. NYC is symbolic to so many people for so many reasons, and I like to think that the city plays a role in shaping women’s lives. They come here to take charge of their lives and they return home to Rochester, Albany, or even Ontario, as new people (or renewed people).

Alicia Keys sings it best:

Concrete jungle where dreams are made of,
There's nothing you can’t do,
Now you're in New York!!!
These streets will make you feel brand new,
the lights will inspire you,
Let's hear it for New York, New York, New York

Abortioneer gone AWOL

I’m graduating from graduate school in three weeks. When I applied to my public health program almost three years ago I wrote my personal statement about my abortion clinic. I will be starting a part-time public health doctoral program in the Fall and I also wrote my personal statement for this application about abortion. Yet, the full time job I have accepted is working with persons living with HIV/AIDS. There were a lot of factors that went into my decision to accept an ostensibly non-reproductive health job. I did not make the decision quickly or lightly, but I still feel some sadness that I won’t be working day-to-day in reproductive health and specifically abortion. I know a job is not necessarily a lifetime commitment, but I do envision staying somewhere for awhile. I can also pursue whatever I want in my doctoral program and dissertation, but it doesn’t feel like enough. Part of me thinks I was a fraud on my personal statements for going on and on about how I wanted to learn skills and gain knowledge to improve this field. But, how could I have known when I applied where I would end up three years later?

Then I think back to the times when I was a full-time paid abortioneer. I worked at a non-profit clinic usually 50 hours a week and even during my time off I was immersed in abortion (rallies, volunteer positions, fielding phone calls from staff, baking fetus cookies, etc). Frankly, I got burned out. It was too much. When I moved up here for school I started abortion patient hosting as a way to stay connected, but not too connected. I get to compartmentalize my abortioneering and host when it works with my schedule. These last few months I have held an internship on a teen pregnancy prevention program which has brought me back to the field I love, but I sit in an office and plan evaluations and interventions. There is little talk of laminaria, or medical abortions, or LMPs, or even fetus jokes.

Every time I get a call from our patient hosting coordinator I smile, knowing I get to head to an abortion clinic and pick up a woman and essentially “do my thing”. I love entering the clinic…I love feeling a part of it all. I love how connected the staff are, and that knowledge that every day you leave work you significantly helped someone change their life. I remember one weekend I spent 2 days at a clinic waiting for a woman who traveled alone from Canada. The clinic had undergone some renovations and their heat was not working properly and it was January. I huddled on the floor with my laptop and books and photocopies of readings for class and I couldn’t have been happier to be studying there. I was in a room surrounded by strangers yet I felt so at home.

I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever get back into the abortion clinic as an employee. There aren’t many jobs for people with advanced degrees outside of healthcare workers. My new employer does have a clinic for our HIV/AIDS clients and I’m hoping I can grow to love it as much as I love my abortion clinics.

2-4-6-8 who do we appreciate?

I had the most amazing morning today. I had to wake up extra early and travel on busy public transit during rush hour to a corporate-area of town that I usually try to avoid, but it was all worth it! One of the abortion clinics that our hosting organization partners with held their first ever appreciation breakfast for the volunteers who work with them. This included volunteers who host their clients overnight in homes and also the volunteers who help women fundraise to pay for their procedures.

This clinic is not a non-profit, not a feminist center, and not a Planned Parenthood. They are a for-profit clinic that has impressed me time and time again with their commitment to all of their clients, not just the ones paying full cost or using private insurance. The physician who runs the clinic is visibly invested in his clients and I have been on the phone with him multiple times regarding clients and making sure their arrangements for travel and care are all set. He defies stereotypes of abortion providers and physicians in general.

I do not do this work to be thanked or appreciated, in fact that is what I love about hosting clients. I do not have to attend meetings, events, or trainings and I rarely have my face recognized as a player in the reproductive rights movement. I sometimes receive thanks from the clients I host, but not always, and that is ok with me. However, there was something very special about being appreciated this morning. I feel like what I do is usually so easy, and I really do not need a big show of thanks. If anything, I want to thank the providers, specifically the doctors, nurses, counselors, and clinic staff. They are the (s)heroes in my book and I am so thankful for what they do. I have been on that end and I know how nice it is to be appreciated.

As I said above, I don’t ask for appreciation from the clients I host, but sometimes I hear from them the night after their procedure, or a few days later, or maybe a week or two. Here’s what some of them had to say (and yes I save them on my phone for those days when I need some TLC):

(note: all messages are via text and exactly as I received them):

“Yea…Thanx 4 being concerned because I really needed it. My heart got so broken when I got home…U made me really comfy though n I appreciated it.”

“Everything went fine an were about 20 minutes from home thank u very much 4 everything we both can not thank you enough”

“It’s ZZZZ we just got home. Thank u a lot u r a very good person…”

“everything is great YYYYY is better and im back 2 work thank u again 4 everything u r great!!”

Facing my fears

In case you don’t know me personally (which you don’t, right?), I have OCD. That means Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. And no, I do not have it in the sense that I use it casually or jokingly to describe my Type A personality or fear of germs or anal-retentive nature. I have a diagnosis from medical professionals that describes my symptoms/issues/behaviors as fulfilling DSM IV criteria for OCD. Ok, now that that’s out of the way….

When I first told my close friends and family that I was going to host strangers in my home during their abortions I could see the look of fear in their eyes. Some of them asked me things like, “Are you really sure you can handle that with all of your issues?” “Aren’t you afraid someone might make your apartment messy or move things around?”, and “What if someone steals from you?”. Those were all valid concerns from the people who know me best, and trust me, I was really frickin nervous that first time I hosted. Some people might worry that a woman will have abnormally severe cramping or start passing the pregnancy in their home, but my biggest fear was that my books or DVDs would be reordered. I worried about things like food spilled or muddy shoe tracks or stray fallen hairs. I knew I could handle all the emotional aspects and counseling that came with hosting a woman during her abortion, but it was the weird little stuff that freaked me out.

So far I have not faced anything I could not handle. The thing with OCD is that people who have it know all their fears and obsessions and compulsions are irrational. I am very cognizant of how my mind works and have gone through enough behavioral modification therapy at this point to talk myself out of my worst thoughts. The OCD issue is very similar to the non-vegan food one (which I wrote about here), meaning that at some point in my life I have to put others first, and if that means I am a bit uncomfortable, well I can suck it up. I don’t love having meat or dairy/eggs in my home, but I do it because I know it makes my guests happy. I also don’t love having strangers in my intimate space, but I can overcome that anxiety for the time they are with me.

And guess what? Someone did steal from me once. They stole a bath towel. I was upset that they had taken advantage of me, but was not really bothered by the actual towel loss. I really thought it over and realized they must have really needed a towel and at this point I am able to not be upset about it and I am still comfortable hosting without the constant fear of theft. This same person also ate lots of messy junk food on my pullout bed and got food and drink everywhere. It was a bit stressful for me that night but I never let on…and I just told myself I could do a major cleaning the next day and I did and the world did not end!

Ok, so I lost a towel. However, I should mention that many of the women I have hosted have gone out of their way to clean up after themselves or to insist that they put the pullout bed away and fold all the linens. I usually take women back to the clinic around 7am and the last thing I want them worrying about at that hour is making the bed (and I would remake it anyway after they left, right?).

I host women because there is a need. I host women because I love being there for them. I host women because it is a way to overcome my OCD one woman at a time.

All Quiet on the Western Front

I haven’t hosted any abortion clients in months. It feels eerily quiet. Why isn’t there a demand for abortion hosting? Are women able to afford hotels suddenly? Are women terminating their pregnancies earlier and do not need to travel to my city for 2nd tri procedures? Or, are women not even raising enough funds for an abortion and never make it here? I have no idea. All I can do is wonder.

What happens when volunteers aren’t needed? When we don’t get to flex our hosting muscles as frequently as we hoped or planned? How do we retain interest and stay motivated?

How many of us have showed up at a volunteer gig only to be under-utilized or ignored? I wish there was a way to know why the phone has not rung in months, or why my pullout couch goes unused. Where are all the women in need? Am I any less of a volunteer if I am not actually hosting?

Everything you wanted to know about abortion hosting but were too afraid to ask

I know that sometimes us abortioneers take for granted that we understand the ins and outs of all things abortion and we leave our readers confused or seeking information. In past blogs we have written about the basics of 1st trimester procedures, 2nd trimester procedures, medical abortions, etc. I wanted to take the opportunity to go over some commonly asked questions about abortion hosting. Listed below are the questions I get most often, but feel free to ask about anything I forgot in the comments section.

How do women get connected with volunteer hosts?

Women usually do not get linked up with our service until their first day at the clinic (the women we host are almost always having 2-day second trimester procedures). When they arrive at the clinic they often find out that the cost of their procedure is more than they anticipated and they no longer have hotel money. Every now and then women know in advance that they will need hosting but it is usually the day of that everything transpires. The clinic staff will screen the woman to make sure she is a good fit for volunteer hosting and then the clinic staff will contact our volunteer hosting service to let us know there is a woman who needs to be hosted that night.

How do women get to your apartment?

I always go to the clinic to meet the women at the end of their first day. The law requires that women have someone pick them up from the clinic after being administered anesthesia. In addition, many women are not familiar with my city and would have a hard time navigating to find my apartment. When I go to the clinic to meet them the clinic staff always introduces us and the women are eager to get out of the clinic and head to a relaxing home and eat some food. I always offer to get a cab for the women, even though I rarely take cabs myself. Luckily I do not live too far from the clinics we work with so the cab ride is not super expensive. I know this is an added cost for myself but I try to put myself in their shoes and I think it would be hard to take mass transit during rush hour after all the anesthesia and long day at the clinic.

Do you cook meals for them?

Every woman I have hosted has either wanted to order takeout or has brought some food with her. After midnight they need to be NPO (no food or drink in their system) so breakfast is not an issue. In regards to the meals, I always offer to pay and the women usually appreciate and accept the offer. The money for the meals (and cabs) comes out of my own pocket and for me I see it as similar to a monthly donation that I give to improve abortion access.

Has anyone ever started passing the pregnancy or bled on your bed?

No! I have heard 1 or 2 stories about this but it has never happened to me. I knew when I signed up for this gig that it is a possibility, but it is one I am willing to accept.

Aren’t you worried that strangers will steal from you????

It definitely crosses my mind, just like it would cross my mind if I left my car door unlocked over night. Any person is at risk for being mugged or having property stolen from them at any time anywhere. I like to have faith in people and not assume the immediate worst. If I lived my life expecting the worst out of people that would be pretty shitty of me, right? Most of the women I have hosted (and their guests) have been extremely appreciative and truly thankful for my hospitality.

How do you feel about hosting the male partners?

We are given the option as hosts to pass on hosting a woman if she comes with a male guest (but don’t worry we will find a host who is open to hosting male partners). Many of us have tiny apartments and often these are studios with little privacy. In my first few months I said I was not going to host any women who had men with them, mainly because I will still getting used to hosting and was not 100% comfortable with an unknown male in my home. The clinics do a good job of screening for women who might be in an unsafe situation where the male partner could be abusive or could create a dangerous situation. If one partner wants the abortion and the other does not, this can lead to intimate partner violence (I think all of us who work in abortioneering have seen this in one form or another). It would not be safe for a volunteer host to have a couple in their home who might get violent due to the circumstances around their abortion. About six months ago I got a call to host a woman and her boyfriend and as I have mentioned before, they were the best guests I have had so far (my Beefaroni guests!).

What do you and the women (and their guests) do all night?

We talk a lot. We talk about their lives and my life and their abortion or not their abortion. We talk about future birth control methods, we talk about their gay brother, we talk about their career dreams of being a nurse, we talk about how they want to lose weight after the abortion, and we talk about celebrity gossip. We talk about my veganism and we talk about their children. We talk about the next day and what they can expect from the procedure and the weeks after. We watch the few TV stations that come in through my antenna; American Idol is a favorite. We watch my Netflix DVDs of Glee and we even once watched “Boys Don’t Cry”. Women go on walks in the park near my apartment and they go on my porch to smoke or they spend the entire night on their cell phone. Or they pass out right after dinner. Every woman has different needs and wants different things from me, and I do my best to provide.

Nice to MEAT you

Today’s Abortioneers post is brought to you by the letters V.E.G.A.N. That’s right, as mentioned briefly in my first post (and by my handle), this Abortioneer is powered by a plant-based diet and it is high time I wrote a post about it. A quick history on my food choices: I grew up in a mainly vegetarian household and sporadically ate meat throughout my life. A few years ago I decided to go completely vegetarian and then a little over a year ago I moved to a 100% vegan diet and lifestyle (not buying leather, fur, etc). Coincidentally, I became vegan around the same time I became an abortion host.

Looking back on the past year I see how my views have already evolved around the issues of animal rights and how uncomfortable I am with meat and animal byproducts. A year ago my beliefs were still forming and I was not as educated as I am now about the issues related to animal cruelty and factory farming. That being said, when I began hosting women and their guests a year ago I had no problem with them eating meat in my home.

The normal routine is that when I pick them up from the clinic I immediately ask them if they are hungry (they always are--most of them have not eaten due to being put to sleep for laminaria insertion). Most women choose to order takeout when we get back to my apartment and a few have brought food with them. Inevitably as they are looking through the takeout menus it comes up that I am vegan. The majority of the women don’t really understand what veganism is and I try to briefly explain it. In my regular non-hosting life I often get asked about veganism and see it as a teachable moment, but not in these circumstances. If women seem hesitant to order meat or feel bad, I urge them to order absolutely whatever they want. In my mind I feel like their needs should always come first and I am here to accommodate them.

I remember fondly a couple that stayed with me from upstate New York. They actually offered to buy ME dinner. They returned from the store with three cans of Beefaroni, which I eagerly offered to heat up for them. Maybe it helped that Beefaroni in no way resembles any sort of real food, but I smiled through the preparation and assured them I didn’t mind. Parts of me were cringing on the inside as I heated up can after can and then the louder part of me was happy to provide this couple anything they needed or wanted. The couple admitted that they were very nervous about staying with a stranger but really had no other options due to the cost barrier of a hotel. We spent a great night together talking and getting to know each other and I don’t regret for a second making them the Beefaroni.

I love animals and the main reason I am vegan is for an animal rights. I try to live a very deliberate and intentional life that does the least amount of harm to animals. To be honest, as time goes on I do struggle with this non-vegan food issue. I don’t ever bring non-vegan food into my house. My friends and family don’t bring non-vegan food into my house. Why am I so tolerant of strangers bringing meat and dairy and eggs into my house, and even using my utensils, plates, and pans to cook this food? I don’t like having to choose one issue or cause over another.

I don’t like how PETA exploits women in their ads for the sake of animals. I don’t want to have to choose abortion clients over animals. This is something I debate often in my head…I’m not sure how to reconcile it. The women who stay with me are expecting room and board and some support related to their abortion. It would feel extremely inappropriate of me to expect a woman I just met to be restricted to vegan food (especially since many have not eaten in 24 hours). While I obviously see nothing wrong with vegan food, I understand how it could come across as intimidating or negative to someone who has never been exposed to a vegan household.

I have gotten better at feeling out someone’s curiosity or intrigue with my veganism. I can tell when a woman wants to probe me about it and when she just wants to order her chicken lo mein. Or maybe my mention of it will plant a seed so that the next time they meet a vegan or hear about it in the news they will be more likely to listen. Stay tuned because this is a work in progress for me.

p.s. Happy Holidays to all of our readers out in abortioneer’land. If you are looking for a good read check out The Sexual Politics of Meat by Carol Adams. This is a great examination of the intersections between feminism and meat:

http://www.caroljadams.com/spom.html

Bringing abortion home

I spent two years as a paid employee at an abortion clinic. I regularly worked six days a week and often over 50 hours. There was a conscious awareness among my co-workers and I that our lives revolved around abortion even when we weren’t spending early mornings, long days, and late nights at the clinic. We constantly discussed that even when we were not at the clinic we chose to spend our time with co-workers. I’ve seen this trend among many abortioneers; we tend to flock together in our free time even after long work weeks. This is partly due to the fact that we all have a lot in common because we work in abortion (so we naturally click on things like feminism, social justice, politics, etc). I also think it is because we are like a group of soldiers serving in this war we wage (reproductive access for all!), and the best way to process our PTSD is together.

As we found ourselves spending all this extracurricular time together there was an acknowledgment that maybe it wasn’t the healthiest approach to our free time. Didn’t we need time “away” from abortion? Shouldn’t we separate our work and home life? Wasn’t it important to have other interests, hobbies, and passions besides abortion? Most importantly, didn’t we need actual time away from abortion so that we would be refreshed and renewed when we returned to our next work day?

I always tried to keep abortion at the clinic. It certainly wasn’t easy and I didn’t always succeed. I can remember countless nights out with coworkers where we always came back to a story from that week or something going on in the news about reproductive health. Ultimately my own apartment was the one refuge where I could exist without being around coworkers who would tempt me into discussing abortion.

Since starting graduate school, the only interaction I have with abortion (besides blogging, obvi) is in my home. Quite the 180! Just to refresh the readers: I volunteer for an organization that provides free housing for women who stay overnight in my city and cannot afford a hotel/motel/etc. Women most often stay overnight because they are having a multiple day abortion and have travelled from far distances. I have been hosting women (and sometimes their friends/families) for a year now and I absolutely cherish the chance to provide them with a safe and free place to spend the night when they need it most.

While I love the opportunity to host women, every time I host I am opening my home up to the unknown. I am directly confronted with abortion in my personal safe haven. I recognize how vulnerable I am by bringing women into my self-created refuge. Most women are scared and alone and vulnerable themselves and I risk my own emotional well-being every time I answer that call from our Phone Coordinator telling me that a woman needs a place to stay for a night or two.

I literally have brought abortion home. Into my serenity, my peace, my den of cleanliness and order. I have had sleepless nights--when a Haven guest snored so loud my dog kept checking on her to make sure she was ok, and when the support person of a guest spent the entire night on her cell phone trying to reach her son who had just been arrested. I spent hours helping a Canadian guest figure out how to get a hold of her boyfriend with international calling codes. I have had discussions with guests about abortion, birth control, heating pads, and post-abortion medications—mini counseling sessions taking place in my very own living room.

I think about how abortion is now a part of the most personal and private arena of my life. I can’t leave the clinic or say goodbye to coworkers at a happy hour and escape abortion by heading home. My home has welcomed abortion.

Getting to Know You

Hello readers. I wanted to introduce myself -- I'm vegan vagina, and I'm new to the Abortioneers, but not to abortioneering.

I am currently working toward a Masters in Public Health degree, so I mainly take classes and work part-time, meaning that there is little time for me to get connected with fellow abortioneers (besides this great blog!). About a month after I moved here I contacted an organization that I had read about years prior and always admired. This organization is sort of like the abortion underground railroad. The group is made up of volunteers who offer their homes and time to women who come to our large city for multiple day abortions and a) can't afford a hotel, and/or b) do not have anyone to go with them to their appointments.

I had an interview with one of the directors and within a few months I was cleared to start hosting. I host on average every other month, usually for one night. My responsibilities are to meet the woman at the clinic at the end of her first day and bring her to my home (and also bring her back to the clinic the next morning). I provide things like dinner, a bed, reassurance, birth control advice, heating pad, snuggles from my dog, and really whatever the woman requests.

That's me in a nutshell--stay tuned for upcoming thrilling tales of my life as a host and general all-around abortioneer. And yes, fear not, I will relate abortion to vegansim.